200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Out and about.

Today I did not follow my normal pattern. After work I did not drive home and fill my evening hours with this and that. Instead I went to the pool. I did not swim as far as I had anticipated, but that is ok. What I did do was talk to a wonderful lady who was swimming in the lane next to me. We talked about swimming, a bit about our jobs and some of life. I gave her some tips to save her hair from chlorine, which I know is ironic since I currently have no hair, but trust me, I know my stuff. It was wonderful to have a (mostly) non-work related conversation with a stranger.

After I left the pool I went to the store. I bought myself a sub, pulled out my inkDori and spent a little bit of time not eating on my couch. Writing some in my journal was great. I do not make enough time for it. There is always an excuse, but I need to stop making them and simply write more. After writing I did some shopping and headed home proud of my evening out.

The moral of my day is that sometimes it is good to go out of your routine and take a chance on enjoying a different kind of day. After all, you never know what wonderful adventures you will end up having.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

---

Visit Grace & Salt ink on their website at graceandsaltink.co.uk 
and follow them on Facebook • Instagram • Twitter • Pintrest

Nervous butterflies.

Sometimes I think about dating again and I get really scared. I know it is silly, but I a year ago I never thought I would have to go through an awkward first date again. Getting to know each other, not knowing what questions to ask, conversations not going as planned, or maybe not really going at all. It is awful to think about. I guess the good thing is that it is not worth dreading too much since there is no potential first date in the forseeable future. On the other hand it is nice to be in a place that I am thinking a new relationship is even being possible. Six months ago the concept was completely unthinkable to me.

There are some good early relationship things that I look forward to experiencing once again. The nervous butterflies you get every time you think of them. The excitement that comes with each date and getting to know each other is not alway horrible. Sometimes the conversation flows with such ease that before you know it all the first date jitters are gone.

Who knows what the future holds. For right now I will continue becoming the best me that I can be so when someone walks into my life I will be ready to deal with whatever first date comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Repurposed.

It is important for me to remember that things can be repurposed and enjoyed in ways other than what they were intended for. For example, my parents have a box of chocolates and other foods that were meant to be in the guest bags at the wedding. This weekend I took a few things out of it to take to work and today I took a box around and shared the wealth. We all enjoyed the snack and I made a few awkward jokes. Sometimes I have to laugh or I will start crying, and there has already been enough of that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Things.

Over the past few days I have thought of many things that I have thought of before. I have gone over conversations and come up with new witty come backs I should have said. In my head I ranted and raved conversations I would have with him today if I could. I know none of it will get me anywhere, but still day after day I catch myself run through these things in my head.

You never expect to have to defend yourself about your wedding choices and relationship days before the big day. Never would you think that the biggest betrayal would be from the person you thought you would spend your life with. The person who said they love you and want to marry you should never make you feel unwanted.

Although I have come so far there are some things that are still difficult to understand. Truthfully I am not sure there are answers that would satisfy me. Right now God is still working on healing and showing me how to move forward. Someday I hope I can look back on this time in my life and say that this was the time that set me on the path to become who I was meant to be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The last hike of August.

I am loving my Saturday hikes. They give me a chance to relax and see things from a different perspective. Being on trials is my reset button from all the emotions and stress that creeps in over the week. No matter how hard I try it seems to be impossible to not experience some level of frustration over the unexpected path my life has taken. When I am on the trails I choose the path, and I always try to choose the one less traveled.

Today I went further than I had anticipated, somewhere around 8 miles. The trails were so peaceful I did not want to stop, but unfortunately the days are getting shorter so I knew I wanted to be home long before it got dark. I am sad to say that beautifully sunny weekends are numbered. There were more colorful fall leaves on the ground today than I had anticipated. It was a little bitter-sweet. They are so beautiful, but I am not ready to let go of warm sunny days.

For a while today I sat on the sunny bank of the river with my journal catching up on past hikes and documenting a bit of today. While I was there a father was playing with his young children in the water. It was fun to hear their excitement over finding little creatures under rocks. As much as I enjoy empty trails, sometimes it is fun to watch others enjoy the day.

Today was the last hike of August, but I know September will hold more adventures and I can not wait to see what happens.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Perceived time.

Perceived time versus actual time is such a strange thing to consider. There are so many things, good and bad that feel like they happened just yesterday. In reality, yesterday was a normal, busy day at work that had nothing extraordinary about it. Sometimes I have to actually think about how much time has passed to get me to the point I am. It has been months and months, yet more often than not it really feels like it all happened yesterday.

This week flew by in a flurry of long, busy, exhausting days that were gone in a flash. I used to dread weeks passing quickly because weekends were the most difficult. Two days of empty time with no one to help fill them. Now I look forward to every weekend. A few days that I can sleep late, get things done and take off on an adventure. I still wish someone was around to help me fill the time, but unlike before the being alone does not terrify me.

Time truly is an amazing thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The “what if” game.

Busy days are the best. Today I was in the middle of multiple projects that kept me on the go all day. I was thankful to be busy, because this morning my mind was racing in so many not so positive directions. Sometimes I still get caught up in the “what if” game. What if I had only said this, or done that or been better at another thing. I always come to the same conclusion, that “what ifs” don’t matter because what happened is where I am and I would not change it even if I could.

The past months I have changed so much for the better. I am stronger, more confident and able to take on the world. Things I was too sacred to do before are becoming leaps of faith that I am taking with less hesitation. Please, understand, I am still plenty scared, but my fear tolerance has changed and now I welcome challenges in a whole new way.

How I had to get to this place in my life was not so fun, but now that I am here and am on this journey I plan to take full advantage of every benefit.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Smooth sailing.

Today was a strange in-between day that just passes by with nothing truly good or bad happening. A day of odd balance. Over the past seven months I have not had many days like this. It is nice to be at a point that I can have (hopefully) a few days of smooth sailing and no crazy emotional break downs.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.