Thanksgiving memories.

The holidays have a way of bringing back memories. There was the Thanksgiving we had so much snow we went sledding, and the year we played car bingo and there was no winner (who knew the “Cane is Able” truck drivers would have the week off). So many years of cuddling with new puppies, playing with kids and laughing with family. I love looking back on the wonderful memories and I always look forward to making more each year.

The anticipation of the holidays this year is nothing like I thought they would be a year ago. Instead of thinking of all the good memories from the past I am having a difficult time over looking last year. I was engaged with the wedding months away. It was full of family excitement and the anticipation of a wonderful celebration that never was. Looking back it all feels like I was living in a lie and I had no clue.

 

Last year on Thanksgiving I took my wedding dress for my Aunt alter. This year I will simply try not to cry.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Good habits.

Over the past few months I have slowly fallen out of good habits. I knew it was happening, yet I did little to stop it. I was not running or working out like I should have been. I stopped making myself meals worth eating and settled for simple things like grilled cheese or pasta. Although, I always had my inkDori with me, I was not using it like I should have been. In some ways I simply became a bump on a log and did the minimum it took to get through the day.

It will take time to get back into the good habits that have carried me this far. Choosing to recognize what I am thankful for through the end of the year has helped me to truly see what I let myself become. Falling out of good habits is easy, so I know it will take time to regain the constancy I once had, but I also know that getting there will be worth it. After all, the first step to a solution is recognizing the problem.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


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Unrealistic timetables.

Today is a day that I feel like I need to pull some inspirational words out of myself. I need something to remind me that I am stronger than the hurt that still lingers inside of me, that I have grown and changed for the good. A part of me was sure by now I would feel more confidant and healed. Ten months ago Thanksgiving and Christmas felt so far away. Now I find myself days away from Thanksgiving wondering how many more tears I will have to cry.

I know that we often set unrealistic timetables for ourselves. I know that I am capable of coming out of this tunnel so much better than I could imagine and that rushing through to the end helps nothing. Time and healing have to work their way though the process at their own pace. It is an uncontrollable truth.

Over the next month I am looking forward to so many wonderful things and I am attempting to hold on to that anticipation and not the discouragement I feel inside. Time with family and friends will give me a chance to feel encouraged and hopefully push me through this emotional slump I find myself in. Time will continue to go at its own pace, and I will continue to find my strength as I learn patience.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Steadfast & thankful week 3

Another week thankful. It was a busy week that ended with a wonderful adventure with friends. I am looking forward to a lot more time with family and friends in the coming weeks with so much to be thankful for.


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Day 13:
All happy mail should be delivered on Mondays, because at the end of the day it is nice to come home to something happy. Today I got an envelope of fun from Rebecca, the owner of Grace & Salt ink. I was thankful for a wonderful surprise at the end of a not so fun day.

img_3041Day 14:
Today my beautiful new inkDori completed its trip from England to me. The two weeks it took to get here felt like forever. I was starting to get worried, so I am thankful for it’s safe delivery.

img_3399Day 15:
This evening was made
for kitty cuddles. I know
I will regret my unproductive
evening tomorrow, but I am
thankful for it today.

img_3402Day 16: 
Tomorrow we are having a Thanksgivings feast at work. I volunteered to make pies. When it comes to making pie crust, I am always thankful for my aunts fail proof recipe and the rolling pin made by my grandpa.

img_3409Day 17:
Today we had Thanksgiving dinner at work. We laughed, ate, and had a great time together.

img_3445Day 18:
Today I got an unexpected
call from a friend. It was a
welcome surprise. I am so
very thankful for her friendship.

img_3450Day 19: 
This evening was an amazing bonding experience for Amanda and I. We went to a play then meet up with her husband for froyo. I continue to be so thankful for their friendship and all the fun adventures we have planned over the next month!


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The storm.

I am glad there are not many people I can compare situations with, but sometimes I wish I had a standard to measure my experience to.All I want to do is feel strong and confidant, yet I feel more lost and confused than ever. I wish there was a way to know that the path I am on is tested and sure. That the days are supposed start to get easier, yet somehow feel worse.

What I have learned from a few others is that it is impossible to compare stories side by side. Everyone has a different circumstance, everyone has their own situation. I just wish someone could tell me when the pain will stop. I want to sleep and feel rested. I want to stop feeling alone. I am so very tired of worrying about things I thought I would never have to worry about again. I know it will be alright, that eventually this storm I am living in will pass, I just wish I knew when.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Tomorrow.

I need to stop saying “I’ll do it tomorrow”, because there is always another tomorrow. What I need to do is make a plan and stick to it. Attempting to stay motivated is difficult sometimes, but that is when pushing through is the most important. There are an infant amount of tomorrows, but there is only one today.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A light in the darkness.

There are so many things through the end of the year to look forward to. Movies and plays, time with family and friends, it should be an exciting. I am truly doing my best to stay as positive as I can, but right now I feel like I am failing. Day by day, I am struggling to find motivation. There are things that should be done, that I had planed on doing and I will make any excuse to not move.

The holidays are always difficult to get through when you feel broken, and despite my best efforts I am still not fully healed. I am hoping that currently my body and brain is taking some much-needed time to prepare for the whirl wind of the coming weeks. As much as I love my family and friends it is sometimes more difficult than I would like to admit to see them happy while I am stuck in this odd limbo. With that being said, being around them to share in their joys helps me to remember that there is light, even in the darkness.

I need to do a better job of holding onto that light.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.