Better and stronger.

Hiking was supposed to be my escape, instead almost every time something circles back around to marriage and weddings. One time I ended up taking pictures of a guy proposing, it was very sweet, but it was so difficult to hold it together. Even better, it was at the same place we got engagement pictures taken. As I walked away from them it was difficult to hold back the tears.

Today at the end of my hike there was a wedding about to start. The bride was wearing a dress almost exactly like mine, which is crazy because I did not have a typical wedding dress. Her hair was similar to what I had planned on doing and the brides maids were wearing a color very much like one of mine. Needless to say, I got out of there as fast as I could before I could notice anything else.

I have no clue how I keep walking into these situations. I expect it at work, one of my co-workers is getting married this fall, but seriously, on a hike when I am trying to escape reality for just a little while. Honestly, I am a hopeless romantic. It is great seeing people happy in their coupling, everyone deserves their happily ever after. What hurts the most is being reminded that what I thought I had, turned into a lie.

Maybe someday I will get over the sting caused by other people’s happiness. I try so hard to not be jealous, but sometimes I can not help it. Everyday it gets easier. Every time I see a happy moment I do my best to put it in perspective, and remember that someday maybe that happy moment will be mine. For now I take everything in stride and remember that I am still being made better and stronger.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Yet I forge forward.

Sometimes I sit and stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the perfect words will appear. A combination of letters that make everything that has happened and hurt me make sense. I know that a simple phrase is not enough, even a whole library would not even touch all the unanswered questions I have.

The further out I get from that awful day the more I understand that I do not have to have answers. Honestly, for some of my questions what I may find out might hurt more than not knowing. There are still days that all I can think about is the hurt, but more and more are good days that I have hope. I have no clue what path my life will take me down. If I could I would tell you that I was not worried or scared at all. The truth is not knowing is terrifying, yet I forge forward, going back is not an option.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Fish bowl.

When something horrible happens in our lives it seems like the world should stop and morn with us. For the most part you understand, after all you are not the center of the universe. Still, it hurts that the everything continues on without you. The world spins, the days pass by and people move on with their lives

It feel like you are stuck in a fish bowl longing to be moving forward with the rest to the world. In time you find your way out of the place you are stuck and begin to move. Most of the time you move forward, sometimes it feels like you are on Willy Wonka’s elevator going every which way possible. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to crawl back in the safe space and take a break, but time has taught it is better to take the leap of faith and see what adventures await you. After all, if you never take a chance you will only miss out.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Onward to summer.

I started off 2017 thinking it would be the best year ever, but not far into spring that theory was already out the window. It still shocks me how quickly things can turn upside down, but I did my best to salvage what was left of spring. Over all I think I did a pretty good job. I ran a couple of races, went hiking and started to pick up the pieces of my broken life.

Now, onward to summer! I already know of a few adventures that I am excited about. With my Empire Pass I plan on spending lots of time in the great outdoors. Hopefully I will be able to challenge myself to be better and stronger. It is so wonderful to look forward to sunny days full of potential.

True, this year is nothing like I thought it would be. In time I hope that I will look back on 2017 and realize that sometimes the best things are the unexpected. After all wonderful things tend happen when we are not looking for them.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One step at a time.

Over the past few months I have avoided certain things. Things that reminded me of him. Things that we often did together. There are some meals that I refuse to make, some places that are difficult to go, some shows that I refuse to watch. At times it makes me feel weak, like I am unable to stand up for myself, but really it is simply a way to hold back the tears.

Today I faced one of the things I try so hard to avoid. I went for a walk for no real reason but to enjoy the evening. True I have walked home on lunch, and I have gone for a few hikes alone, but this was the first time I walked around town without a purpose on the same paths we once walked together. It was strange to be alone, and unfortunately I did think about him.

At the end of my walk I was proud of myself, because I took one more step outside of my current comfort zone. It is amazing how strong and confident I am becoming. I have challenged myself in so many ways, but it is still difficult to be reminded of him. In time I know everything I avoid now will stop causing pain, but for now I will celebrate my small accomplishments. After all, we can only take one step at a time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Be prepared.

Over the weekend I spent many, many hours co-teaching a lifeguard class. The timing was awful. I had two crazy weeks of work in a row that lead up to a long exhausting weekend. This was the first time my co-teacher and I had ever taught on our own, so there were some bumps along the way, but whole of the weekend went well. We had a great group of students, that were patient with us. It will be a great class to look back on and remember.

Currently I am simply exhausted and sore, but that does not stop me from continuing to think about ways I can become a stronger more confident teacher. I never thought my life would take me down a path that I would still be lifeguarding after 15 years. But then I have learned that you never know what will happen and it is always best to be prepared.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Papa, not dad.

When I was born my Mom wanted us to be different, so she decided that my dad would be called Papa. Over the years I have confused many people because of this, but I have always loved that my Mom wanted us to be different, and so thankful she succeeded.

1919296_514593021016_54437_nThere are not many pictures of Papa and I, at least not that my mom and I were able to find when we were putting together his yearbook dedication page. We are not a very photogenic family, besides I am usually the one with the camera. This picture of us has always been one of my favorites. I vaguely remember getting that yellow umbrella and being so excited about it. I am sure Papa had a great time helping me test it out.

On and off the past couple of weeks I have attempted to plan out what I could write about Papa for today’s post, but I have yet to find the right words. I remember years and years of camp, Sunday School and all manner of other events that Papa was my Mom’s silent support running around where needed. There were countless hot pool areas sat in and cold, rainy track meets attended. He got car sick teaching me to drive and took at least one quick run home to get me my retainer when I forgot it.

The more I think about it, the more impossible it is to truly articulate everything that Papa has meant to me. He is a corner stone in the frame work of my life and is always there to suppourt me. I could never have asked for a better Papa.

Happy Father’s Day.

Eventually.

It is crazy how excused you can get. My brain is fried, but I keep pushing it farther. My body is sore, but tomorrow I will be at it again. Sometimes I wonder why I attempt to take on so much. I know in time every little bit I push myself will be worth it. I am becoming a better person, stronger and more confidant than ever. More and more I wish I knew the end game, where I will eventually be, the happy times yet to come. Until I get there I will have to go on faith that it will happen and it will be wonderful.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A sink full of dishes.

I hate having a sink full of dishes, but this week the last thing I wanted to do was to clean. It has been one of the warmest weeks of the year so far, I have been working on a huge project the past few weeks that has felt all-consuming and I am simply tired. I could really use a relaxing weekend to catch up on everything that needs to be done, but this will not be that weekend

Keeping with the trend, I continue to add more dishes to the pile. Every night I say tomorrow I will get them washed, so far that tomorrow has not come. Tonight I will add a few more to the pile and pretend like tomorrow they will get washed. Eventually everything will get taken care of, it always does, you can only hold off the inevitable for so long.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Test of time.

You know what show I really should not be watching right now?

If you guessed “How I Met Your Mother” you would be right. The whole show is about relationships. Some are successful, some not so much. Through the 4,576 min of the show are at least three canceled weddings, who knows how many break ups and one night stands, one divorce and one death. After the first major break up I was sure I should stop. When the first wedding was canceled I almost started crying, but for some reason I keep watching. I can not relate to many parts of the show, but I can appreciate the struggle and desire to find a relationship that is real and will stand the test of time.

There have been times that I have wished everything that I am going through could be scripted and could be stop and start it at will. Unfortunately, that is not real life nor is it the way to heal and move on. The redeeming quality is that the show does portray with some accuracy the pain of being left at the altar. I can also appreciate that the characters, for the most part did not immediately bounce back after heartbreak, there is a bit of a recovery process after each break up and everyone handles it differently.

For me it is interesting to hear a love story being told by someone who has known loss and never gave up on the potential of future relationships. This is something that I am trying desperately to do as well. It is impossible to know what the future holds, but I am doing my best to hold on to hope.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.