Restless nights.

Today is one of those days that the words are not there. I have been sitting staring at a blank screen for too long, so I decided that something had to be written. As the days go on I think parts of me are having a difficult time deciding how I feel and it is giving me restless nights and worrying day. I am doing my best to throw myself into happy things that are within my control. Plans with friends, work, and attempting to not let myself turn into a total mess.

Why is it when you try the hardest to forget something it is all you seem to think about. In this case, I am not sure it matters if I try or not, the truth is that the emotions and pain is there, but I refuse to let it the memories consume me.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Goals.

We are now 15 days into the new year and I am batting around 50/50 on my goals. It takes time change things and re-create habits, but I know if I stick to them eventually they will take hold. I have been reading more, spending time with friends, and have attempted to be more outgoing. Parts of me wish that time could stand still for a little bit while I find a way to catch up. Another part I wishes there was a way to zoom forward to warm days in the sun.

There are some things that I truly wish I could skip past, but I know I must face them head on. So many of my goals for the year were built-in preparation for an upcoming day that I am becoming increasingly worried about. Too often I am thinking of what this time last year was like, the anticipation and excitement a world of opportunity that I will never know. The ache that was created that horrible day has long since past, but it still left a mark on me that I worry no one will ever see past.

The only thing I can do is to work each day on maintaining my goals and continuing to get stronger. There will still be good days and bad days, time with friends and family and time alone. I will continue to read and write and hopefully one day not even I will begin to see the mark left on me fade.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Hibernation.

Something about the snow has me wishing for a few more days of weekend. Overall it was a wonderful few days off, I watched a ton of movies, relaxed, read and journaled. I truly should have zero complaints about anything, yet I am longing for a bears winter of hibernation. Hopefully I wake up tomorrow morning energized and ready to face the week, and what a week it will be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A snow filled day.

There were many times this summer that I wished I has someone to hike with, but that longing for companionship had long since passed, but today I woke up to a snow covered world wishing I had someone to spend the day with. On a day like today it is always nice to camp out in front of the TV with and watch movie after movie with someone by your side. By having this person around you feel less guilty for being unbelievably lazy. There is also the added benefit of being able to talk the other person into going out in the cold to shovel.

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Unfortunately for me the cats were not convinced by my pleas to handle any of the chores of the day, they were however very into the being lazy in front of the TV and at reminding me that it was time to eat. Eventually without the help of my four legged friends I did get a few chores done. Thankfully a man a few doors down goes out with his little snow plow and takes care of the bulk of the snow removal so my efforts did not take long.

Times like this I wonder what my life will be like this time next year. If there is one thing that 2017 taught me it is that a year from now could be a whole lot different than you ever expected.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

Roller coaster.

This week has been a roller coaster. Work was a bit insane and set its self up for a pretty wild next few weeks. I got to spend lots of time with friends, even if one of the evenings was spent terrified watching Jaws. By the end of the week I am pretty sure I thought sleep was over rated, I honeslty am not sure how I made it through the day. The weather also threw its hat in the ring to add a unique note to the week, yesterday was almost up to 60°f and this weekend we there is a chance of a foot of snow.

If this up and down is going to be my new normal, I am going to need to find a way to get a lot more sleep. Thank goodness tomorrow is Saturday, a day made for relaxing and kitty cuddles while the world outside turns white.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Face masks and chick flicks

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There is no underestimating the value of good friend who comes armed with a fancy face mask and chick flicks. I am proud to say that we actually watched about 50% of the movie, the rest we talked through, but honestly that is what friends are for. I have often wished I could bottle up moments like this to save for difficult days, but I think with a friend like Amanda I have an infinite supply.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Du dum… du dum…

On movie club Wednesdays I get excited to sit back, relax and enjoy a classic.  One of the things I have enjoyed most about being in the Art of Film Club is having the opportunity to watch films that came out long before I was born on the big screen. I have not necessarily appreciated all the movies, but it is fun to say that I have seen them in the theater.

This week we watched every terrifying moment Jaws, and I can proudly say I did not scream. There were a few jumps and a gasp or two, but I was able to get through it without making a sound. This was my first time watching the thriller, and I might never go in the ocean again. Honestly, sleeping is also be off the table for a while. I think to watch a movie like Jaws for the first time in this way was an unforgettable experience. If for some reason I ever do forget, I am sure I have a few friends that will remind me of the look of terror on my face as I watched the move. I hope the next movie is a little less traumatic…

There are no sharks in the Y pool… Right? Just asking for a friend.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.