Measuring time.

Sometimes I have odd ways of judging how time passes. When I was a kid my family would take vacations that required long drives. At least once a trip my brother and I would ask how much longer, since actual time means little to a six-year-old we would be told time in shows or movies. We understood how long an episode of “Batman” or the movie “Cool Runnings” was and we knew by the time we were done watching we would be there.

The strange things things from childhood always stick. I often judge time in this odd way. I remember in college being asked how long it took me to complete a project, and I would give them the list of movies I watched while working on it. That was the first time I understood that this was not a normal time scale, but that has never stopped me from using it.

Over the past few months I have caught myself using odd ways to measure time and mark the passing days. Sometimes I try to remember how many bars of soap or tubes of toothpaste I have gone through. I have changed my toothbrush twice and am almost through another bottle of face wash. Somewhere around five months ago I lost count of how many boxes of tissues I have gone through. Over the past six months I have bought myself flowers around a dozen times and have managed to kill only one of my plants.

I don’t know if this is a healthy way to mark time passing, but it is how I have gotten used to watching it go by. There is no official list, and I could be off by quite a bit on my mental count, but it helps me to see that time moves forward. A bar of soap and a tube of toothpaste are being used slowly but surely just like I am getting better every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sometimes you have to fall.

Sometimes I still catch myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had gotten married. I am sure that many of the wonderful things that have happened over the past few months would not have been. More importantly I would not be on the path I am on. True, it has not been easy, but a part of me understands that sometimes you have to fall in order to get where you need to go.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A new adventure.

Often God reassures our insecurities in ironic ways. I have toyed with moving forward with an adventure for a month or so, but in the last few weeks I feel like God has been pushing me forward from so many sides. Everything combined has given me a huge amount of confidence and I hope will lead to many exciting things. I spent most of today taking a step in the planning. There is some preparation that needs to be done and more time needs to be invested before I will say too much more.

Right now I would really appreciate prayer. I feel good about what I have done so far and I know deep down this is a path I am meant to take.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

140.6 miles.

Over the last year I have watched an amazing woman prepare for a huge challenge. She has swam, biked and run mile after mile in preparation for the Lake Placid Ironman. Sunday morning she will put all her training and preparation to the test. It has been inspirational to watch her journey and an honor to lifeguard for her early morning swims.

Training for such a grueling event means a lot of sacrifice. So much of your time and energy is poured into overcoming each challenge. With the support of her family she has handled everything with an amazing amount of grace. Through weather, injury and everything in between she pushed through and made it to the starting line.

I am looking forward to following her throughout the day as she completes her 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, 26.2 mile run. She has a group of family and friends that will be there wearing “Team Luckiest” t-shirts in bright green to provide her with encouragement every step of the way. Although I will be home I too will be sending supportive prayers and well wishes as she completes the goal she has worked so hard to achieve.


Here is a link to her blog post 13 days out from the race:
http://www.ourtripod.com/2017/07/ironman-lake-placid-in-13-days-pass-me.html

I never knew.

A friend asked me to do a project for her, I am very excited and honored that she asked. Today I started some of the initial gathering of information before I dive in head first. I wrote down some verses that bring comfort, strength and courage. Many of the verses spoke to me, but a few stood out.

Psalm 119:25
I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word

Sometimes I am in disbelief over what this year has turned into. There are some things you only expect to happen in movies, so when it happens to you it takes a while for it to become real. I wish I could understand more about exactly where everything went wrong, but I think to trace it back would be pointless, after all, I would still be where I am. It is amazing how broken down I was compared to how strong and confident I am becoming.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians has played a huge roll in my recovery. I have found much comfort in its words. From day one it has been amazing the blanket of comfort I have received. Even more shocking to me is how I was able to help others so soon after facing my own troubles. God works in mysterious ways and I can not wait to see what he has in store for me next.

Psalm 119: 50
My comfort in my suffering is this: your promises preserves my life.

No where are we promised an easy life, there will be unknown struggles and pain. What we are promised is that God will be by our side no matter what. He will carry us through the hard times and celebrate alongside us in happy ones.

Everyday I am amazed of the small lessons I learn and the wisdom I gain. It is unfortunate that in order to get where I am going I had to lay low in the dust, but am becoming something much more than I ever imagined. Daily I am working to remember that it takes time to bring out the strength He is giving me, but someday I will have a new confidence that I never knew I could have.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One day at a time.

Time is such a crazy concept. I know it is always moving forward at a consistent pace, one second after another, but it does not always feel that way. There are days that it still feels like every horrible thing happened just yesterday. I know that every hour is one more step away from that moment, but that moment felt like an eternity. Someday I will get so far away that I can no longer count the days. Someday the sting will no longer penetrate so deeply.

When I want to soak up every moment everything goes too quickly. Happy moment are gone before I know it. Then there are weeks like this where Tuesday felt like Thursday, Wednesday like Friday and Thursday was torture. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I hope it is good and time finds a way to be kind.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I still remember.

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I found this amazing sign on Pinterest that says “I still remember the days I prayed for what I have now”. Someday I will make this sign, because right now there is a lot of praying for whatever the future will hold.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Perspective.

Thankfully I have felt more emotionally stable lately. I’m not saying all is right with the world, but I feel like maybe time has begun to be kind to me. Hearing about wedding stuff still stings and seeing happy family everywhere I look is not necessarily easy, but I think I am beginning to find a better perspective.

I try think about how wonderful it will be someday when I am in the position to enjoy planning a wedding with a happy ending and having a family of my own. Someday I want to be able to tell my kids or nieces and nephews about this time in my life and not be ashamed that I spent it being jealous of everyone around me. Hopefully I can tell them that I faced each struggle with streingth, courage and determination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Staying positive.

There are days that staying positive is easy. When I stay busy and have things to look forward to life is good. Currently I am somewhere in between. Every time I think I have hit a balancing point, my balance is knocked off and I find myself back at the beginning. I am very good at keeping myself busy, but sometimes I feel so much pressure to get everything done that I want to that I end up sitting on the couch staring at nothing wishing I was in a more stable place in my life.

After all these months you would think I would have a better handle on things, but sometimes it still feels like everything happened yesterday and I am just as lost as ever. Maybe someday I will not feel quite so confused all the time, but for now I will do my best to keep up with myself and stay positive.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Stronger and better.

Another weekend over.

The lifeguard class went well. I was a nervous walking into the class Friday because I have known two of the girls who were taking it since they were little. In fact, I baby sat them many years ago. Once I got over the initial nerves it was a lot of fun to teach them. At times it was difficult to remember that they are no longer little girls, and it was wonderful to see what strong, beautiful young women they have grown into.

As an instructor it is encouraging to hear that your students are leaving confident in their skills. Lifeguarding is more than sitting in a chair with a whistle getting a tan. A lot of hard work and time goes into achieving your certification. I hope that none of my students have to use their skills, but I know that they can handle any situation that comes their way.

Teaching has been such a wonderful experience and has been so good for me the past few months. It is important for me to remember that I have many skills and talent that can open unexpected doors in unique ways. True, at the end of a lifeguard class I am extremely exhausted, but I also feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. I hope I leave each of my students stronger and better than they started, because I know that is how they leave me.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.