Just let me sleep.

My brain will not give up this week. I don’t know what it is so worried about. Work actually went better than expected and nothing too terribly exciting is going on with the rest of my life. Yet I lay awake while it continues to function without giving up figuring out how little sleep I will get if I could drift off this second. Five to six hours of sleep a night is not enough, no matter what anyone says. Maybe tonight will be my lucky night to not over think, and simply sleep.

Crazier things have happened.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

More miles behind me. 

Lately I haven’t been running as much as I should be. I find that running helps me to find balance and let my body release some of its “I work at a desk job” energy. When I am on a run I am able to process things with more clarity. It is an amazing form of stress relief for when the walls are closing in on me. If I want to think, I can. If I want to forget the world, that is possible too. When I am on a run everything feels possible.

Concentrating on putting one foot in front of another, knowing that every step takes me closer to the goal is such an empowering feeling. I know how great I feel emotionally after a run, yet for some reason I have not been taking as much time to run as I should. I need to make more of an effort to get out more consistently and put many more miles behind me.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Delete.

I wish I could move on from things as easy as deleting pictures from Facebook. Some of the evidence from our relationship may have been removed, but the memories still live in my mind. I did not go through and delete everything, I figure it is important to remember where you have been in your life. Just because the outcome was not what you expected does not mean the journey was not worth the risk.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Hang in there!

I know by now I should not be surprised when something so simple comes into my life at the perfect moment. Today on my hike I came across a simple rock with the words “Hang in there!” written on it. It was as if it was there just for me. A part of me wanted to take the rock home with me, but I decided a picture was enough and I would leave the words of encouragement for the next person who needed to be reminded that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with.

Over all I am doing so much better than I could have hoped, but sometimes things still feel like they are too much for me to handle. This weekend was difficult because I had to go through some boxes of wedding decorations. I spent months collecting and making things so everything would be perfect. Sadly many of my favorite things made their way to the garbage, after all, personalized cake toppers and tie clips have little value. I wanted so badly to be able to handle it all without tears, but sometimes no matter how hard you try to hold them back the tears come.

Some days I need to remember that it is alright to simply “Hang in there!”. Better days are coming and I need to do my best to remember that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

All I can do is have faith.

There are days that I wish I could fast forward through the waves of pain and frustration. It would be so nice to finally move on and not feel like I have a cloud looming over me. I know that fast forwarding would not solve my problems and I would never be the person I am meant to be without taking everything, good and bad, one step at a time. I wish I could see the future so I knew everything I am dealing with now leads to a happy ending, but all I can do is have faith.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A strange week.

It is one of those days that I have too many thought and none of them really make much sense. Just a lot of floating emotions and ideas with no real connections. I will blame my current state on the strange week I had. It never really felt like I was able to catch up, but somehow everything got done. I know Sunday evening I will dread the start of the new week and the few things I could have gotten done today that I didn’t. Sometimes I find it best to cut your losses on a Friday and know that Monday morning you will have fresh eyes ready to take on anything.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Before I open the door.

I find myself drawn to the in-between moments more and more, the few minutes that anything feels possible. My favorite right now is right after you have driven somewhere and turned off the car, but not gotten out yet. I know it sounds silly. To me, in that moment it feels like there are endless possibilities. I could get out and go on with my day or I could sit there for just a little longer feeling safe and removed from the world around me.

In that short moment I can let my mind spiral out of control and rein it in before I open the door. Sometimes I try to drag out the in-between moment until I feel too foolish and get out of the car. My neighbors probably thought I was crazy for sitting in my car far too long a few times. In all reality, they are probably right, but at the moment it is one thing that helps me get through the day and hold myself together.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

What’s for dinner?

After all these months I still have a hard time decided what is for dinner. There are times I have to really think if a meal was something I liked or one that I made for him. It is strange how a question that should be simple to answer has become complex. Even grocery shopping is difficult, after all, how do you know what to buy when you are not sure what you like any more.

There was a point I had reached a balance with cooking for one, but I currently find myself not knowing what to do. The worst part about the whole meal issue is that I truly love to eat and cook, but lately I have dreaded it all. I know with time the pendulum will swing back and all will be right in the kitchen again. Until then I will take it day by day and maybe discover some new favorites in the meantime.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The original day.

Planning my wedding was an interesting experience. It had many levels of frustrations, one was a wedding date change. My then finance decided that he wanted to move up the wedding by seven months. At the time it was a great idea, we both wanted to begin our adventure together that much sooner, I have never wanted a long engagement anyway. It is so crazy to think of all the extra stress and frustration I put myself through to end up in a place I never thought I would be.

Today was the original date of the wedding. It has been an odd day. My calendar at work has whiteout covering the words “My wedding day”. The words may be hidden, but I still know they are there. Most of today I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn’t moved the wedding date. Would I be celebrating with friends and family right now? Would my future be completely different?

I continue to have so many questions about my failed relationship that I know will never have answers. Honestly, I am not sure I want to have answers, because the only one that can help solve the mysteries is the one person I hope I never see again. Besides, having answers will only create more questions to be answered.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.