Tired of being tired

If you see a zombie wandering around, it might be me. I have almost reached a month of not enough sleep. I have no problem with the actual sleeping, more an issue of falling asleep. At first I thought it was just a fluke and would pass, now I just want it to go away. The last time I had problems sleeping it was due to an irrational fear of endings. Even as I was dealing with it I knew it was a silly fear, yet no matter what I did it stayed for quite a while. Currently, I am clueless as to what is causing my inability to fall asleep. Whatever it is, can stop any time.

 

Although I can not pinpoint an exact cause, I do have a few theories. Probably my issues stem from a combination of stress and over thinking. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to feel better and stronger I forget that these things take time. I wish I could wiggle my nose and make so many changes, but I know that is impossible. At times I feel spread so thin I am not sure what I should do and I never seem to achieve as much as I would like. All around me I see people moving forward and gaining speed with their lives, and here I sit still so unsure.

I have found that after I write a post about a problem my brain somehow finds a way to reach a state of equilibrium. My fingers are crossed that writing this post will have a similar effect, because let me tell you, I am so tired of being tired.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Race day.

img_2432Last year the Ridgewalk and Run was the first race I ran as an adult. I trained for it and worked hard to prepare myself. My then fiancé and some friends had a great day on the course and spending time with each other. This year I was not well prepared and I now have a growing pile or race bibs to prove it was not my first race. But the weather was beautiful, I still had a friend to race with and joke about our shared goal of reaching the end so we could eat.

It is crazy the difference a year can make. There are times I want to be irrationally angry, jump up and down screaming, but really what good will that do? True, without the past my life would be so very different, but that does not mean better. There are many experiences that I had because I was with him that I know make me better and will hopefully continue to be a positive thread through my life. Although it is difficult to look past all the negativity and hurt, it is always worth it because it gets me one step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A quiet day.

There are days that I would love to get a lot done, today was not one of those days. I woke up so snuggly and warm I had no desire to get out of bed, eventually I did drag my self up and was productive. My plan was to go for a short hike today and I did eventually get out on the trail but I did not do much hiking. In fact, I doubt I did more than a mile.

What I did was relax. I set up my hammock, wrote in my journal, read, and enjoyed the sound of the waterfall in the background. I was not directly off the trail so on a quiet day like today this spot was empty. I wish the weather had been just slightly warmer, because after about an hour and a half I was cold so I decided to pack up. I am sure I should have done a few more miles, but I was so relaxed I just hiked back along the water to my car.

I am sure I should have done more. There is laundry to be folded and cleaning that should have been done. The list goes on and on, but I regret nothing because sometimes lazy days like this help to balance out the insane ones. Over all I did get a few things done today that I needed to and sometimes a little goes a long way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A short week.

What is it about short weeks that feel so long. Despite today being a productive day, time seemed to go backward. One thing I am happy about is despite the not so fun week, I managed to not have much of a break down. In the past when I am tired and frustrated my emotions go out of control and I can not help but cry. My hope is that this weekend will be a chance for me to rest and reset for the upcoming week. To be honest I am not looking forward to what next week might be, but I refuse to give in to a potential bad week before it starts.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Cold and dreary.

Today was a day made for cuddles. The weather is slowly turning cold and the leaves are changing. This week has been filled with on and off rain that makes everything seem dreary. All I want to do is stay home and read, watch movies and move as little as possible. Sometimes I wish I was a bear and had an excuse to hibernate all winter long.

Unfortunately, I had to get up and go to work. In between the things that had to be done there were a few stolen moments of cuddling with my cats, which is one of my favorite ways to pass the time. In fact as I type this one cat is purring while holding an arm down making typing slightly challenging, the other is laying on my legs. Somehow they always know when I am a little down in the dumps and need some extra attention. I don’t care what you say about cats, my girls are amazing little creatures and I would not want to be without them.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

First.

Tonight was movie club night! We watches “Potiche”, and it was amazing. I love being introduced to movies that I have never seen before. This film was a French movie that was based in the late 1970’s. It is about a trophy wife who finds her way off the shelf and into the heart of her community. She proves not only to herself but to her family exactly what she is capable of.

While I was at the theater I took advantage of pre-sale Star Wars tickets! Apparently, I was the first ticket they sold in the first three days they have been available. I think I will take it as a complement, instead of a statement to my insanity. I am excited to have an epic movie day with friends and watch the entire series before the main event of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”. There may be some controversy over what order to watch the series in, but I am sure a compromise will be met.

img_2281When “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” came out two years ago I had a list of people I was buying tickets for. There was a whole group of us that went to the first showing of the movie together, it was a fun evening. This time it was just a single ticket for me, but I am still fortunate to have two friends to go with.

Sometimes, it still hits me how different many things are, yet other things remain the same. I feel so fortunate for the strong friendships I am building and that some of them are as crazy as I am. Afterall, everyone needs a little crazy in their lives.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Hurry up and wait.

I feel like my life has turned into a series of hurry up and waits. A lot of the time I am not really sure if I’m hurrying or waiting. Sometimes I think it is a little of both. There are few days that pass that I feel truly settled in the events of the day. Most of the time it still feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest. Although, the pain is much more manageable, the hurt is still there. I have truly done my best to not let the events of my past make me bitter, but sometimes that is a true struggle that I am not sure I am winning.

Every day I try to convince myself that the little things will no longer hurt. That the pain will someday disappear, but I wonder if that is really true. There are times I still feel residual pain from my childhood, lost friendships and misunderstood events haunt us all. At the end of the day we simply learn to overcome the pain and push it aside with the hope that the next time we open up the wound will stay healed and the scar will disappear a little bit more.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One less thing.

A slow three day weekend was just what I needed to regain some energy and perspective. I slept in, relaxed and attempted not to worry about anything outside of my control. Over all it was a success and like always I wish there was more time. But the good thing is tomorrow I will wake up to a clean apartment, well rested and ready for the week. Sometimes the best thing is knowing that there is one less thing you will have to worry about tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The type of day I needed.

Everyday is one step closer to healing, yet sometimes I have a difficult time remembering that. The struggles I once had are a thing of the past and new ones have replaced them. Sometimes I skim through my old posts and am amazed at how far I have come. At one time it truly felt impossible to hold the tears in, now most of the time I feel no need to cry.

It has been forever since I have had a day that I did not feel like anything had to get done. Despite that fact I had a relatively productive day. I did a little cleaning and organizing, but most importantly I relaxed. Sometimes my biggest fear is if I relax for too long everything will rush back at me and I will simply sit crying all day. Thankfully today that was not the case, it was the type of day I needed to reset and be ready for the next challenge.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The Letchworth Arts & Craft Festival

Since I was in college I have gone to the Letchworth Arts & Craft Festival over Columbus Day weekend. It is an always an amazing festival full of talented people, and this year was no exception. Like all festivals it is always more fun to go with a friend. In past years I have not always been lucky enough to have someone, but this year and last I had an amazing person to wander around with.

This morning was dreary and it looked like a horrible day for an outdoor festival, but that is a rookie mistake. Not so fun weather helps to keep the crowds a little smaller and at a huge festival like this one that is important. Despite a short patch of rain we had a wonderful day and made some great purchases.

I am loving every opportunity that I have had lately to spend with friends old and new. Hopefully the friendships will be strong and encouraging to all involved. For me they have been an invaluable contribution to my life.

Now I just need to wait another 364 days for next years festival…

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.