A day that is bad.

I forgot how much tears sting and how horrible the hallow ache feels. I forgot what it felt like to dread going to bed knowing I will wake up to face the next day. I forgot what it felt like to try to do anything to keep yourself busy in an attempt to quite your mind. I forgot what it felt like to sit at the computer and type through tears.

Sometimes, despite every effort a day is simply bad. It might not actually be a bad day, but the feelings and memories that are trapped in the confines of the 24 hours is inescapable. February 11 it that for me. I wanted to face the day with confidence and strength, but instead I woke up tired, unmotivated and off balance.

Everything reminded me of pain long since dulled, yet unfortunately not completely gone. I reminded myself that each year the dread will be less, and hopefully in a few more the day will pass unnoticed. Next year the tears will come slower, the ache will be fainter and sleep will come easier. I am forever thankful that time is on my side bringing healing and strength.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Grow.

I wish the aches never came back. But there is always something to triggers tears, then all is lost to the horrible feelings that creep in. The more I attempt to hold back my emotions, the more forceful they become. Too often I think that I should be passed this, I should be strong enough, wiser and braver. The truth is there is no limit on those things. Being wiser, braver and stronger has no ceiling to reach or bottom to sink to. You always are whatever you put into it.

The ending point of my emotions that I thought existed is proving to be fictitious. Something to help me through the tears and make me feel like there a clear way though. I know this stage, whatever one I am currently in, will meet some kind of end. But I also know it will slowly blend into something new, yet it will only feel a little different. One day I hope to not have any more breaking points, at least not on this subject, but for now I will continue to take it all as it comes and grow braver, stronger and wiser.

Time truly makes fools of us all.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Meals for one.

After all this time cooking for one is still my least favorite thing and my constant reminder of where I find myself in life. My attitude toward it has gone through a few rounds of changes. From single serve microwave dinners to attempting to cook nice meals for one. There are days I am proud of the delicious meals I manage to make, but at the same time I wish I could enjoy the best of them with someone. Too often I remind myself that this is just a season in my life. Possibly, someday I will cook for two again. For now I will continue to do my best to be thankful for what I have and not long for something that is not there.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Was vs. is

There are links to almost every post for the last 567 days on facebook and twitter, but a little extra effort must be put in to read my words in their entirety. I know people rarely make the effort to push forward into such a post, because I myself rarely do. Over all 567 days I have been fortunate to receive such positive support on facebook, twitter and the posts themselves. It has been fun to watch my blog followers and post likes increase as time goes on. Hopefully this means by helping myself, I am also helping others.

Every once in a while, I read a post on facebook that reminds me why I choose to not write my recovery process directly on my wall. I knew I had a lot of “dirty laundry” that needed to be worked through, but I also knew it needed a contained place that I felt safe. Too often facebook is not safe, it is a place that we all serve as judge and jury with only half the facts.

Once upon a time facebook was a place for keeping in touch with friends at far off colleges, making plans with people across campus and updating your relationship status. Now, our friend lists are galleries of people that we try to only show our perfection, despite the truth of our own misgivings. There are people we follow for the laughs, those we feel obligated to friend and some that we are not quite sure who they are anymore but you know you met them that one time. When scrolling through my feed I sometimes reminisce about what was vs. what is.

Before I serve as judge and jury over my friends I try to remember there are always multiple sides to every story. For mine, I have attempted to be as unbiased as possible, but I know there are many times I failed. This thread of posts, words and pictures remains my safe place away from facebook. I would like to thank each of you for keeping it that way for me. Although my post lately have been far less dramatic, I want to keep my posting habits strong so when I do need to cry through the words I have this soft place to land.

Never forget how powerful words are. They have a great capacity to heal and inspire if you use them right. Think about that next time you sit down to post more than a meme on facebook.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

New.

This weekend was not all what I hoped it would be. I know there is no one else to blame but myself, and I am, for the most part ok with it. Sometimes long weekends such as this get my brain spinning in directions I can avoid most days. It is difficult to never wonder about what we would could have made this weekend, what adventures might have been had. But thankfully, now the we is a little more vague and nonspecific, to be honest I can hardly see his face in my mind anymore.

I would like to think that these changes in the way I think show some kind of progress and growth. But I might simply be fooling myself into that belief to make myself feel better for the wasted time. Either way, what is done is done. Now all I can do is make the best use of time moving forward. That is the beauty of a new week.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Going in circles.

Time seems to be strongly on my mind lately. Maybe it comes with the changing of the season, or me wondering where the year has gone. No matter what the reason, the cycle of time really is a crazy thing, in fact, it can be dizzying. We are always going in circles, looking forward to reliving favorite moments from years past, while still looking to the future. It is far too easy to forget where you are in the moment letting the here and now slip away.

I have a feeling that the next few months will fly by with insane speed. Between the anticipation of my nephew being born, to the many upcoming holidays, 2018 will be over before I know it. No matter how fast or slow it goes, I know that this year will prove to be amazing upon reflection. I am excited to see what the last few months of it holds.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Tomorrow.

This week more than others I feel like I am constantly looking forward to tomorrow. Maybe it is the upcoming long weekend, or something about the days, but tomorrow always looks more inviting. Right now I am hoping tomorrow is another chance for me to get further ahead, and enjoy a little down time in between. Tomorrow I will wake up more energized and ready to face whatever comes my way. Maybe tomorrow will be simpler, maybe something will make sense that is currently turning me upside down. Most likely it will be more of the same, after all few things change over night. If nothing else tomorrow is one step closer to the future and all that it has to hold.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Ceaseless.

Today is one of those glorious days that passed with little emotion. I remember craving days like this, now they are frequent and still feel a little strange. As much as I want to have something inspirational to say, it truly is wonderful that I felt no need to cry today and a thought never caught me off guard.

Although tomorrow might have challenges to face and most likely a few hurdles to overcome, I can go to bed without fear. This feeling is not new, but it is a breath of fresh air each time I think of what the evening used to be like. I love being able to tangibly see how far I have come on this road and I often wonder how much more I can learn. Somehow, I think the lessons are ceaseless.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

With confidence.

The thing about going on a deep cleaning spree is that you are forced to face all the little things you hid away to help you forget and move on. There was the bag behind the couch, a jar under the bed  and the folder under a bench. I did know they were there and it would have been very easy to continue to avoid them, but for the first time I faced them head on. The contents of each have been reorganized and reassigned to new places, but it did feel good to throw away at least part of contents. At the moment only one of the three items still holds more than I can handle, the rest were simply moved to a more appropriate places.

I have no clue what inspired this deep clean but as I sit at my desk typing away I feel a lovely calm. It was unfortunate to give up such a beautiful weekend to dig under my bed and re-arrange shelves but I am thankful that I did it. After all, sometimes we need to clean out all the cobwebs in order to move forward with confidence.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

New plan.

The wedding I always wanted was not the one I planned. I dreamed of an Anne of Green Gables wedding, outside on a beautiful day with lots of friends and family smiling and laughing. Instead I ended up planning a winter disaster. I told myself time and time again that the point was happily ever after, not a dream wedding. In 5, 10 or 15 years the fact my wedding was not all I wished would be of little consequence because the life we built together would be all that would matter.

Decorations changed to pine cones instead of wild flowers, and favors would now be glass icicles. Pictures would be filled with bare trees and snow covered ground instead of beautiful green and full of color. I made changes and concessions, my plan was no longer what I always envisioned and it felt like someone else’s day that I was attempting to make my own. But I was planning the beginning of a life, not something that would only be wonderful for a single day.

Despite the my drastically changed plans I thought the day would still be full of smiling family and friends, and a celebration of a new beginning. To me that was the most important part, and my daily focus as I planned. I guess I did get what I wished for. Everything was much further from perfect than I could have imagined, but it was full of the love and support of family and friends.

The pinecones were swept away, eventually winter tured to spring and a new beginning was started. Maybe someday I will get to plan my true dream wedding and it really will end in happily ever after.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.