Yet I forge forward.

Sometimes I sit and stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the perfect words will appear. A combination of letters that make everything that has happened and hurt me make sense. I know that a simple phrase is not enough, even a whole library would not even touch all the unanswered questions I have.

The further out I get from that awful day the more I understand that I do not have to have answers. Honestly, for some of my questions what I may find out might hurt more than not knowing. There are still days that all I can think about is the hurt, but more and more are good days that I have hope. I have no clue what path my life will take me down. If I could I would tell you that I was not worried or scared at all. The truth is not knowing is terrifying, yet I forge forward, going back is not an option.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Fish bowl.

When something horrible happens in our lives it seems like the world should stop and morn with us. For the most part you understand, after all you are not the center of the universe. Still, it hurts that the everything continues on without you. The world spins, the days pass by and people move on with their lives

It feel like you are stuck in a fish bowl longing to be moving forward with the rest to the world. In time you find your way out of the place you are stuck and begin to move. Most of the time you move forward, sometimes it feels like you are on Willy Wonka’s elevator going every which way possible. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to crawl back in the safe space and take a break, but time has taught it is better to take the leap of faith and see what adventures await you. After all, if you never take a chance you will only miss out.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Test of time.

You know what show I really should not be watching right now?

If you guessed “How I Met Your Mother” you would be right. The whole show is about relationships. Some are successful, some not so much. Through the 4,576 min of the show are at least three canceled weddings, who knows how many break ups and one night stands, one divorce and one death. After the first major break up I was sure I should stop. When the first wedding was canceled I almost started crying, but for some reason I keep watching. I can not relate to many parts of the show, but I can appreciate the struggle and desire to find a relationship that is real and will stand the test of time.

There have been times that I have wished everything that I am going through could be scripted and could be stop and start it at will. Unfortunately, that is not real life nor is it the way to heal and move on. The redeeming quality is that the show does portray with some accuracy the pain of being left at the altar. I can also appreciate that the characters, for the most part did not immediately bounce back after heartbreak, there is a bit of a recovery process after each break up and everyone handles it differently.

For me it is interesting to hear a love story being told by someone who has known loss and never gave up on the potential of future relationships. This is something that I am trying desperately to do as well. It is impossible to know what the future holds, but I am doing my best to hold on to hope.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Puzzle pieces.

Currently my life feels like a box of puzzle pieces. However, there is more than one puzzle in the box and all the pieces look far too similar.  I am attempting to sort them out and put the puzzles together, but sometimes it is easier said than done. There are days I have all the patience in the world to find the correct pieces and put them in place, but most days I want to throw everything back in a giant pile and give up.

Fortunately, I am far too stubborn to give up. So day after day I keep plugging along with my box of jumbled pieces. I hope eventually each puzzle will become more clear and I will reach a better understanding. It is a slow process, but I know it will be worth it.

Right now my life is filled with more questions than answers. Some days it feels like there is some light at the end of the tunnel, and other times it feels endless. It is all about finding balance. Eventually I hope I can look back on the mangaled, tear stained pieces with pride because I made it through stronger and wiser.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Easy to forget.

It is easy to forget what those around us are facing. We are all a little selfish and forgetful. There are days that I need to work extremely hard to remember that conversations that go on around me are not meant to cause me pain. Most times when the topic hurts the most I try to pretend it is not really happening, but every once and I while I chime in to remind people that my pain is still very real.

Some days even I forget the reality of being left at the altar. Mostly because I am still not sure what the reality is, however, I am very clear on the outcome. There are still days it is strange to be alone, days that no one texts me but my mom, days that I have to remember that some things are not what they used to be. The absolute worst are the days that I need to tell someone that my life took an unexpected twist.

As time goes by things have a way of evolving. My reactions are not the same as they used to be, remembering to taking a deep breath before answering questions is a lifesaver. Some of my emotions have dulled and others are heightened. I keep praying to reach a balancing point and I am sure when the timing is perfect some form of equilibrium will be reached. Until then I face every day hopeful and willing to take on every challenge that comes my way. After all, there is not much more I can do.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Less and less.

This morning on my way out the door my neighbor asked me how I was doing . I responded as I always do saying I was fine. It was surprising when he said that he could tell, that I was looking better. It is nice to know that I am starting to look more confident and stronger, because that is exactly how I feel.

Less and less I wonder about him. I am starting to think more about what the future could hold for me and less what has been lost. My mind is not as scary a place to disappear in as it once was and my dreams are almost always happy. Time really is a miraculous thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Me and not a we.

Today is a day without words. I have flickers of thoughts, but they leave as fast as they come. It is a rather unsettling feeling, but one I am getting more used to. The weeks are flying by and it is strange not having a far distant event to look forward to. No anniversaries looming, or anything I have been counting the days till. Planning something I know I will do on my own is still a little strange, which is funny because I never had a problem with it before. It is still hard to remember the concept of just being a me and not a we.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Before I know it.

I feel like I should take a deep breath and enjoy the last few hours of May, because June is going to be crazy! Between a big project at work, another lifeguard class and a few other odds and ends it could be quite the adventure. Being busy is good for keeping my mind occupied, but June could take the concept to a whole new level.

As with all things I need to remember to take everything in stride, slow and steady wins the race. Worrying too much does little to help and a lot to hurt. May was busy and flew by faster than I could imagine, I am sure before I know it June will be over and I will be looking forward to the 4th of July.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

100 days ago.

It has been over 100 days, 109 to be exact. When you write the number it does not seem like many days, but to live them is a different story. 100 days ago my world was still crumbling. Some days have felt like weeks, and weeks have felt like months. Some days I wondered if I would ever stop crying. Some hours I wondered if I would ever breathe again.

100 days ago I never thought I would get to the place I am now. Most days are easy the rhythm of things is more consistent, but sometimes the ghost of a memory still sneaks up on me and the pain comes. I know it will be a while before the pain disappears for good, parts of me wonder if I will ever truly be free of it. No matter how many days, hours or years I know that what I have learned and how I have grown is good. There is still a long way for me to go, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I can over come any challenge that comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Long weekend.

My facebook and instagram feeds have been filled with people on adventures with friends or significant others. It makes me wonder what we would have done if we were still a we. Would we have stayed close to home, or gone far away. Would we have joined in with someone else’s plans or done something on our own? How long I will be left thinking about what it could have been like if things had gone differently?

For me the long weekend was not a total waste. I went hiking, did laundry, created and relaxed. Today I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned some more. My mix of relaxation and work was well worth it. I know I have a long few weeks ahead of me, so it is nice to start with my best foot forward. I honestly am not sure my apartment has been this clean in months. It truly is a wonderful feeling.

Maybe the next time a long weekend comes up I will take the opportunity to plan an  adventure for myself, everyone needs to escape every once and a while.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.