Someday.

Long ago I lost track of how many days it has been since my life took a strange turn. Yet I still feel like the shadow of it has a never-ending reach and the future is too far away to touch. Sometimes I wish there was a date I could look forward to. Something defined and tangible. Even if it is 1000 days away it would be nice to know that it existed. For the most part I am past simply getting through one day at a time but I still feel a lack of something.

For now I will continue on and maybe someday I will have a happy countdown to look forward to once again. I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Why is pointless.

Wondering why is pointless. The why is not the important part, what matters is how you make it through. Often I remind myself that this is only a season of my life, better things are coming. I am not sure of the truth in that statement, but I have faith that it is true. One day in the future maybe I will have an understanding of why, and maybe I will never have a clue. Either way the result will be the same, I will make it to the other side stronger, wiser and better.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Appreciating every moment of now.

I was walking down a trail heading back to my car today and something hit me. I was sweaty and smelly, tired and hungry and I was suddenly so proud of myself. Pretty much every weekend all summer long I have gone on adventures. I have hiked trail after trail and found a few magical places and I have learned so much about myself.

In the past I always wanted a summer like this, weekends spent outside, not being scared to make memories by myself. I always thought this would be the life I would have when I was with someone, I guess in some ways I put my life on hold waiting to not be alone. Not to say there are not many, many times this summer that I wish I had someone by my side, but I guess I have finally realized that putting off doing what I love does nothing to help me grow and become a better person.

Someday I hope I will have someone excited to hike trail after trail with me and make memories that will mean so much to both of us. At the moment that idea is just a flicker of hope in the distance that I will continue moving toward while appreciating every moment of now.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

My best each day.

I am sure from most perspectives my posts seem like just another heartbroken girl attempting to make sense of a break up. I guess you are not completely wrong, but to me I am not so much trying to make sense of the break up but to find a way through to the other side. With each passing day and each post I write I am trying to re-introduce myself to me. I know I will never have all the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from doing my best each day to make it better than the last. What the future holds is unknown to me, but I know that I can handle anything that comes my way with more strength and confidence than ever before.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A few examples.

I am now going to write the most obvious words I can think of, I have never been through a break up like this. I don’t say that because I have never been left at the altar before, or because it involved an overbearing disapproving mother, because in some respects that would be true. In all honesty there are so many ways why this ended relationship has been unique.

It was a clean break with never a though of turning back. There have been odd moments where an old habit brought him to the surface, but I have not once wanted to run back into his arms. Maybe that seems a little harsh and unbelievable, but it is the truth. The loss still hurts, because I thought what we had was a solid foundation, and we were good together in so many respects. But at the end of the day the important things were forgotten and left to blow in the wind.

Another unique thing about this break up is that I did more than simply learn from a mistake. I have grown, changed and am slowly becoming a person I never knew existed inside of me. Sometimes, I look back at my early post and take note of how far I have come. In no way does this growth take away any of the pain, but it has taught me how to handle it with a little more grace, most of the time.

These are just a few examples of the difference between this and every other ended relationship I have had. Often I wish I didn’t have to go through the pain of the past months to get to where I need to be, but the truth is we never fully appreciate the journey until we get to the destination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unsure.

I wish I understood better what level of recovery I was in. A part of me wants to say I am now fine and over it all, bring on whatever future comes my way. But another side of me is still so unsure of anything. Honestly, I think I am still somewhere in between. There is no script to follow or worn path I can walk down. I am in uncharted territory with only a compass and a vague idea of where I am going.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.