Appreciating every moment of now.

I was walking down a trail heading back to my car today and something hit me. I was sweaty and smelly, tired and hungry and I was suddenly so proud of myself. Pretty much every weekend all summer long I have gone on adventures. I have hiked trail after trail and found a few magical places and I have learned so much about myself.

In the past I always wanted a summer like this, weekends spent outside, not being scared to make memories by myself. I always thought this would be the life I would have when I was with someone, I guess in some ways I put my life on hold waiting to not be alone. Not to say there are not many, many times this summer that I wish I had someone by my side, but I guess I have finally realized that putting off doing what I love does nothing to help me grow and become a better person.

Someday I hope I will have someone excited to hike trail after trail with me and make memories that will mean so much to both of us. At the moment that idea is just a flicker of hope in the distance that I will continue moving toward while appreciating every moment of now.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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My best each day.

I am sure from most perspectives my posts seem like just another heartbroken girl attempting to make sense of a break up. I guess you are not completely wrong, but to me I am not so much trying to make sense of the break up but to find a way through to the other side. With each passing day and each post I write I am trying to re-introduce myself to me. I know I will never have all the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from doing my best each day to make it better than the last. What the future holds is unknown to me, but I know that I can handle anything that comes my way with more strength and confidence than ever before.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A few examples.

I am now going to write the most obvious words I can think of, I have never been through a break up like this. I don’t say that because I have never been left at the altar before, or because it involved an overbearing disapproving mother, because in some respects that would be true. In all honesty there are so many ways why this ended relationship has been unique.

It was a clean break with never a though of turning back. There have been odd moments where an old habit brought him to the surface, but I have not once wanted to run back into his arms. Maybe that seems a little harsh and unbelievable, but it is the truth. The loss still hurts, because I thought what we had was a solid foundation, and we were good together in so many respects. But at the end of the day the important things were forgotten and left to blow in the wind.

Another unique thing about this break up is that I did more than simply learn from a mistake. I have grown, changed and am slowly becoming a person I never knew existed inside of me. Sometimes, I look back at my early post and take note of how far I have come. In no way does this growth take away any of the pain, but it has taught me how to handle it with a little more grace, most of the time.

These are just a few examples of the difference between this and every other ended relationship I have had. Often I wish I didn’t have to go through the pain of the past months to get to where I need to be, but the truth is we never fully appreciate the journey until we get to the destination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unsure.

I wish I understood better what level of recovery I was in. A part of me wants to say I am now fine and over it all, bring on whatever future comes my way. But another side of me is still so unsure of anything. Honestly, I think I am still somewhere in between. There is no script to follow or worn path I can walk down. I am in uncharted territory with only a compass and a vague idea of where I am going.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Nervous butterflies.

Sometimes I think about dating again and I get really scared. I know it is silly, but I a year ago I never thought I would have to go through an awkward first date again. Getting to know each other, not knowing what questions to ask, conversations not going as planned, or maybe not really going at all. It is awful to think about. I guess the good thing is that it is not worth dreading too much since there is no potential first date in the forseeable future. On the other hand it is nice to be in a place that I am thinking a new relationship is even being possible. Six months ago the concept was completely unthinkable to me.

There are some good early relationship things that I look forward to experiencing once again. The nervous butterflies you get every time you think of them. The excitement that comes with each date and getting to know each other is not alway horrible. Sometimes the conversation flows with such ease that before you know it all the first date jitters are gone.

Who knows what the future holds. For right now I will continue becoming the best me that I can be so when someone walks into my life I will be ready to deal with whatever first date comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Things.

Over the past few days I have thought of many things that I have thought of before. I have gone over conversations and come up with new witty come backs I should have said. In my head I ranted and raved conversations I would have with him today if I could. I know none of it will get me anywhere, but still day after day I catch myself run through these things in my head.

You never expect to have to defend yourself about your wedding choices and relationship days before the big day. Never would you think that the biggest betrayal would be from the person you thought you would spend your life with. The person who said they love you and want to marry you should never make you feel unwanted.

Although I have come so far there are some things that are still difficult to understand. Truthfully I am not sure there are answers that would satisfy me. Right now God is still working on healing and showing me how to move forward. Someday I hope I can look back on this time in my life and say that this was the time that set me on the path to become who I was meant to be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

2024.

Unfortunately, I was not in the path of the total solar eclipse today, but along with my co-workers and so many others across the country I did observe part of the sun disappear behind the moon. The next eclipse that will be visible to me is in April of 2024. It will be a total eclipse from where I am now, so it will be extra exciting!

At one point of the day or another we all recounted the last eclipse we remembered. For most of us it was the one in 1994, but we all had very different experiences. Some remembered making pin hole cameras to watch the sun disappear while others remembered the funny glasses. For me it was a wonderful adventure. My mom took me out of school and together with a friend we went up to a science museum. We got to look through a telescope at the eclipse as well as take part in other events. Although I was only 6, I still remember how exciting it was, sometimes when you look back on your childhood it is the little things that mean the most.

Who knows what will happen between now and 2024. It is crazy to think of how much my life could change in the next 7 years. Whatever happens I know it will be amazing, and maybe I should keep my amazing eclipse watching glasses in a safe place for the next time, just in case.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Stay positive.

What a week. I am unable to pinpoint exactly what made it so awful, I think it was a combination of things. Some may have been in my control, but others were not. I think there are some weeks that I dwell more on how different my life is now, from what I thought it would be a year ago. I know I have not moved backward, but sometimes as I sit alone on a Friday night it is difficult to remember that.

Work felt very negative this week. Not because of the actual job, more like some of the people were simply unable to stay positive. I am still struggling daily to maintain a positive attitude about much of my life so it was difficult to be immersed in such an environment. I do my best to tune it all out, but sometimes no matter how hard you try it is impossible to avoid entirely.

On the other hand, there were some very positive parts of the week. I have continued to take steps toward a new adventure. I planned some vacation days that I am looking forward to and, I have finally made it to the weekend. It is a rare weekend with no set in stone plans, which means two days of hiking, creating, and relaxing. Tonight I go to bed hopping for sweet dreams and no alarm to wake me up in the morning.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.