The journey.

Never did I expect to make it through this weekend without tears, but I had hoped to make it a little farther into it before they started. I am not really scared to cry, but it is not my favorite thing do. From the beginning I have felt it is important to let my emotions out when I can, bottling them up does nothing to help me as I heal. I am sure the last of my tears have not been shed, but in time I hold hope that the sting they hold will lessen. Strength does not need to come with a hard shell, what it needs is faith that moves mountains.

This space filled with words has become my outlet to hold many of my emotions and process thoughts. I am glad I have documented my journey because it is so encouraging to see how far I have come. In some ways the time has moved slowly. There were days I felt like I held my breath all day to stop myself from crying. Other days I felt strong, but still very broken. My story feels more like something you would see as the plot of a movie or tv show and I have to remind myself that it really did happen. Each time I tell someone about it the disbelief is only halted by the look in my eyes that shows the reality.

This weekend will be good for me. There is nothing like being surrounded by family (including 5 crazy kids) to make the toughest situation alright. If I need to talk they will listen, if I need to cry there is nothing stopping me and with so many people around I am never alone.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


Long from done.

I have been struggling to decide what this blog would become. It has transformed from a place to break down my emotions and find clarity into something related, but different. I no longer face what feels like a never-ending internal battle every moment of the day. Minus pockets of time, I am able to live my life without feeling consumed. Instead, I find I am able to compartmentalize most of my pain into the moments I sit down to write. Tears are much rarer than they once were, but often happen while I open myself up on this platform.

As different as my day-to-day emotions are somethings remain the same. For example, I like to be in control over when and what I share about how I am handling things. I wish I could be more open to unexpected questions, but really all it makes me want to do end the conversation. I am weeks from one year of dealing with the ups and downs, and I find I am happier when I am able to push the negative thoughts into the background.

There is still so much mystery uncover. My story is long from done, but I truly think that there will be more sunshine and less storm clouds coming my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The truth is.

Sometimes I think I have nothing left to write, but the truth is I am not sure I will ever be done. Eventually I will move onto happier topics. There will be good things coming in my life and wonderful new adventures to be had. Maybe someday I will be attempting to describe the indescribable feeling of new love. Wonderful things are already starting to creep into my life. New friendships are taking root, old friendships are blooming and as always I am so blessed by my amazing family.

When life is at its worst, God always throws in the perfect mix of everything to get us through. The best part is that there are always happy surprises of people or events that show you that you are on the correct path and that true happiness is achievable again. Until I reach that point I will continue to hold on to the small bits of peace and look forward to a bright future.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A special place in my heart.

Unfortunately, my time at family camp is over, but it was well worth it. I sat around a camp fire telling stories and eating s’mores, spent some time at the pool, ate at the dining hall and took a walk down the creek. There were times I felt like I was a teenager without a care in the world. Although there were few people who I grew up with, it was great to talk to who I could. Camp friends will always have a special place in my heart.

The last bit of my time on the camp ground was spent talking to a friend, who I know will read this post at one point or another. We talked about how our lives have changed and encouraged each other. As the conversation went on she mentioned this blog, and that she appreciated how I openly express myself. I told her that some days I honestly feel good, others not so good, but I try each day to write my truth. We both agreed that there is no doubt that one way or another the words I write here will give comfort to more than just me.

Camp is truly a special place where time has a way of standing still, and the connections we make last a lifetime. I hate to have to go back to the real world.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Yet I forge forward.

Sometimes I sit and stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the perfect words will appear. A combination of letters that make everything that has happened and hurt me make sense. I know that a simple phrase is not enough, even a whole library would not even touch all the unanswered questions I have.

The further out I get from that awful day the more I understand that I do not have to have answers. Honestly, for some of my questions what I may find out might hurt more than not knowing. There are still days that all I can think about is the hurt, but more and more are good days that I have hope. I have no clue what path my life will take me down. If I could I would tell you that I was not worried or scared at all. The truth is not knowing is terrifying, yet I forge forward, going back is not an option.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One step at a time.

Everyday is a little bit different, but lately they have all felt the same. I am doing my best to take things one step at a time, but somehow I can never get enough steps in to move forward. I wake up with a list of goal I want to achieve each day, but somehow I always end up short and staying up far too late.

At the moment I am not sure what the answer is. I want to keep up this blog, do the dishes, go for a run, get my laundry taken care of, eat delicious food, cuddle with my cats, go to bed early, write, read and any other thing that needs to be done. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out a way to make it all fit. Maybe tomorrow I will be more successful in my plan.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

My safe place.

When I started writing this blog, I did not know what it would turn into. Honestly, I am still not sure I know. Blogging combines two things I am not very good at, keeping a journal and being open about my feelings in an articulate way. Usually I feel like I ramble through my emotions without reason. It also means all my hurt and pain can never be hidden because it will always be a search engine away.

My initial thought process in starting to pour myself into this place was for me to force myself to be honest and open about what I am going through. Not only for myself – but to show my family and friends how I am doing. There is nothing worse than being asked over and over how you are doing by people who care. It is not that I don’t want to tell them, but the truth is that it hurts to recount everything time and time again. Even good things hurt sometimes.

Another reason I write is for others. I am not the first, only or last person to have a relationship end tragically. I usually do not write specifically for the benefit of others. I try to be honest about everything in hopes that I can say something that will open up a new thought process for someone else in pain. My theory is that if people take the time to read my posts they either care about me or can relate to the emotions I am experiencing.

I do not know when this blog will end, maybe it never will. For now it is my safe place to share and record my recovery. I still have a long way to go, but I know when I get there it will be a beautiful place. For now I will keep writing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.