Time in the sun.

img_6428Today was a beautiful day. I read, relaxed in my hammock, got one pen pal letter ready to go and prepped for the rest. In the evening I made a quick trip to the store and got my dishes done. Truthfully, I had hoped to get more things checked off my list today, but sometimes you simply have to take what you can get and be happy about it. All in all it was a wonderful relaxing day one of this three day weekend. I am feeling recharged and ready to go another round tomorrow.

Hopefully the weather holds out and I can get more much needed time in the sun this weekend.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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My corner.

This corner of the internet has been my own personal therapist and I am so grateful for all it has done, and will continue to do in the future. Life is messy and mistakes will be made, but it is nice to know we are not alone in them. There are some days that I think I am being silly to keep up this blog. At times I fell like I am simply going through the motions each day to writing a paragraph or two. Those are the days I think maybe I should stop, that this is a waste of time for me and anyone who reads it.

Then there are days that I love having this time being apart of my routine. It gives me a place to work out my struggles and continue to come to terms with the lingering emotions that I often hate to admit even to myself. At the beginning each day was a struggle. I was scared of everything and clung to the few moments of sanity I had. Now I am thankful to being able to look back at posts and see that my version of sanity has taken hold and the days that I cry myself to sleep are few.

If you have been reading along with me you know how far I have come, and it truly is amazing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Post by post.

It really is amazing the things you learn about yourself when you are broken. I wish I could formulate a sentence that would perfectly sum everything up, but that is well beyond my ability. One thing I do know, is that keeping up this daily blog has been a huge part of getting me this far. There are many rambling posts and a few emotional breakthroughs. Some are huge leaps forward, others I stand still. There are posts like this one that I feel half asleep at the keyboard, while others were written through tears or frustration.

Looking back it really is amazing how far I have come. I am grateful for each post that reminds me I am one day further from the past and one day closer to the future.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A spark.

For the past few months I have wondered if I should continue with my daily posts. Is it worth it? Am I helping myself? Am I helping others? I think the answer to the first two questions is yes. Although my post have veered from many recovery topics I feel like they still document an important stage of my life. To the third question the answer is I am not sure I will ever know. I do get positive feedback and I do know my words are reaching others, beyond that the answer is unknown to me.

There are days that I feel like I need to write something inspirational, but of course those are the days that nothing comes. I do not claim to be a great thinker, nor do I wish to be. All I want is to help strike a spark in someone else. I hope somewhere out there a person who reads one of my posts and it helps them to know they can survive whatever their struggle is.

We all have a unique stories that are being written day by day, and we all impact each other more than we know. I think sometimes we forget that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The journey.

Never did I expect to make it through this weekend without tears, but I had hoped to make it a little farther into it before they started. I am not really scared to cry, but it is not my favorite thing do. From the beginning I have felt it is important to let my emotions out when I can, bottling them up does nothing to help me as I heal. I am sure the last of my tears have not been shed, but in time I hold hope that the sting they hold will lessen. Strength does not need to come with a hard shell, what it needs is faith that moves mountains.

This space filled with words has become my outlet to hold many of my emotions and process thoughts. I am glad I have documented my journey because it is so encouraging to see how far I have come. In some ways the time has moved slowly. There were days I felt like I held my breath all day to stop myself from crying. Other days I felt strong, but still very broken. My story feels more like something you would see as the plot of a movie or tv show and I have to remind myself that it really did happen. Each time I tell someone about it the disbelief is only halted by the look in my eyes that shows the reality.

This weekend will be good for me. There is nothing like being surrounded by family (including 5 crazy kids) to make the toughest situation alright. If I need to talk they will listen, if I need to cry there is nothing stopping me and with so many people around I am never alone.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Long from done.

I have been struggling to decide what this blog would become. It has transformed from a place to break down my emotions and find clarity into something related, but different. I no longer face what feels like a never-ending internal battle every moment of the day. Minus pockets of time, I am able to live my life without feeling consumed. Instead, I find I am able to compartmentalize most of my pain into the moments I sit down to write. Tears are much rarer than they once were, but often happen while I open myself up on this platform.

As different as my day-to-day emotions are somethings remain the same. For example, I like to be in control over when and what I share about how I am handling things. I wish I could be more open to unexpected questions, but really all it makes me want to do end the conversation. I am weeks from one year of dealing with the ups and downs, and I find I am happier when I am able to push the negative thoughts into the background.

There is still so much mystery uncover. My story is long from done, but I truly think that there will be more sunshine and less storm clouds coming my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The truth is.

Sometimes I think I have nothing left to write, but the truth is I am not sure I will ever be done. Eventually I will move onto happier topics. There will be good things coming in my life and wonderful new adventures to be had. Maybe someday I will be attempting to describe the indescribable feeling of new love. Wonderful things are already starting to creep into my life. New friendships are taking root, old friendships are blooming and as always I am so blessed by my amazing family.

When life is at its worst, God always throws in the perfect mix of everything to get us through. The best part is that there are always happy surprises of people or events that show you that you are on the correct path and that true happiness is achievable again. Until I reach that point I will continue to hold on to the small bits of peace and look forward to a bright future.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.