Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

More miles behind me. 

Lately I haven’t been running as much as I should be. I find that running helps me to find balance and let my body release some of its “I work at a desk job” energy. When I am on a run I am able to process things with more clarity. It is an amazing form of stress relief for when the walls are closing in on me. If I want to think, I can. If I want to forget the world, that is possible too. When I am on a run everything feels possible.

Concentrating on putting one foot in front of another, knowing that every step takes me closer to the goal is such an empowering feeling. I know how great I feel emotionally after a run, yet for some reason I have not been taking as much time to run as I should. I need to make more of an effort to get out more consistently and put many more miles behind me.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A strange week.

It is one of those days that I have too many thought and none of them really make much sense. Just a lot of floating emotions and ideas with no real connections. I will blame my current state on the strange week I had. It never really felt like I was able to catch up, but somehow everything got done. I know Sunday evening I will dread the start of the new week and the few things I could have gotten done today that I didn’t. Sometimes I find it best to cut your losses on a Friday and know that Monday morning you will have fresh eyes ready to take on anything.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Full Circle.

More and more I feel like I have gone full circle with my life. I’m back to feeling like all I do is watch the world pass me by as I sit alone. Thankfully I have never minded being alone, but sometimes I wish someone wanted to make an effort to come along side me. That is not to say I am lacking in people who care about me, because I am surrounded by many of that kind of person. What I wish I had is someone who calls or texts out of the blue just because, or who invites me for an adventure.

I have always been excellent at fitting into the in-between. Straddling lines of my interest and being forgotten in every direction. In college I was an athlete, and an art major, two things that usually do not mix very well so I was constantly lost in the gap between them. For the most part that was where I liked to be, but when it came to certain things it was difficult to be left out. So for the most part I ended up alone.

Most of the time I enjoy not having to deal with social obligations. It is nice being able to go home after a day of work and know I have no one to impress for the rest of the evening and if I choose to have ice cream for dinner no one will judge me. On the opposite site sometimes I miss engaging conversation and making dinner to share with someone else. The social aspect of my life is something I am not sure I will ever find balance with, but that will not make me stop trying. Who knows maybe next time I will have success.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Packing.

I am pretty sure that my body and mind clocked out sometime yesterday because today has been a struggle. I forced myself out of bed and to work and somehow got myself through the day. Around noon I was extremely thankful for my forethought of getting so much done on Monday. The good thing is I know everything at work is in capable hands leaving me with a few worry free days off.

Packing for a vacation is the worst. Somehow I never feel ready to go. There is always something that needs to be done before I leave and the list doesn’t seem to shrink. I feel like most of the big stuff is taken care of, work, the cats, a relatively clean apartment. All that is left is things that would be beneficial like finishing up the dishes. Hopefully I walk out the door with everything I need ready and prepared for a wonderful, and much-needed time away.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Bitter-sweet.

Time off is still a little bitter-sweet. I find myself thinking of how I would have used my vacation if we were still together. It is still so strange to remember that I am just a me. It has been a while since I caught myself in a moment that I went to messaged him something about my day. To go from talking to someone every day to silence is such an odd feeling. Whoever said that silence is deafening was dead on in their reasoning.

So far this week has been an odd in-between. The past month has been a series of ups and downs and now I am anticipating my long weekend filled with family time. So far this week I have done my best to get ahead at work so I can leave for a few days and not feel like I have left a mess for others to deal with. There are still a few loose ends I need to tie up, but in just a few days I will be on the road without a care in the world.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Weekends.

This weekend I am stuck inside teaching a lifeguard class. I am having a lot of fun, the class is made up of a great group of kids, but I wish I could simply do nothing for a little while. The week leading up to a lifeguard class always finds a way to blow up in my face. One way or another I end up ending a busy crazy week to walk into an exhausting weekend.

Sometimes I really wish I could stay in bed all day and pretend I have nothing to do, but no matter how I try it seems like there is always a list of things that needs to be done. Maybe someday the never ending list will be completed, but I would not hold my breath. When the weather is nice it is more difficult to allow myself lazy days. I feel guilty staying inside when the sun is shining and the sky is blue, but maybe next weekend I will find a way to have a bit of lazy time to let my mind reset its self.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A second half.

Weeks like this make me wish I had a second half to help take up the slack. Someone to help do the dishes and to vent to after a difficult day. Someone who could make me feel more confident when I feel defeated. This week certainly had some unexpected ups and downs, but over all it could have been worse. I wish I could have gotten more done at home, but sometimes that is not what is important. Hopefully this weekend will go smoothly and give me an opportunity to get more done than expected, crazier things have happened.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Ups and downs.

How is it that the shortest weeks at work seem to be the longest. Today was an endless list of things to and somehow, they all got done. Fortunately, I took a lunch and gave myself a break from the office. I am trying to do better at stepping away for a few minutes in hopes it will help me be more productive and happier while I am at work.

There are ups and downs to every job, but at the end of the day I do my best to remember that I am doing what I love. Monday through Friday I go to a job that I thought was just a fun hobby as junior in high school. Unlike so many, I am doing what I walked into college wanting to do. I spent four years mastering my craft and continue to learn more every day. Sometimes it is important to remember the things you are proud of because it is easy to get lost in the daily grind.

Having a passion for what I do has been a huge help over the past months. Although many parts of my day-to-day is not ideal I still get to create and put the puzzle pieces together. Daily I remind myself that everyday is a stepping stone to the next adventure, whatever it may be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Be prepared.

Over the weekend I spent many, many hours co-teaching a lifeguard class. The timing was awful. I had two crazy weeks of work in a row that lead up to a long exhausting weekend. This was the first time my co-teacher and I had ever taught on our own, so there were some bumps along the way, but whole of the weekend went well. We had a great group of students, that were patient with us. It will be a great class to look back on and remember.

Currently I am simply exhausted and sore, but that does not stop me from continuing to think about ways I can become a stronger more confident teacher. I never thought my life would take me down a path that I would still be lifeguarding after 15 years. But then I have learned that you never know what will happen and it is always best to be prepared.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.