Light.

Sometimes it feels weird to not cry every day. A part of me got used to having tears be a natural part of my life. I remember days that I would take my lunch at odd times so I could go out to my car and cry. There were months that I was nervous to talk to anyone because I was worried I would break down in front of them. Even looking at my reflection was too much because then I had to face the deadness in my eyes.

Slowly days have gotten better. I can still remember watching the color return to my face and the light come back to my eyes. I no longer felt the need to hide myself. There are so many roads I could have gone down, so many times I could have stopped moving myself forward, but I am far too stubborn for that and have far too many people encouraging me. I know I am still on this road of recovery, but the light seems so much brighter and I will continue running toward it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Weakness.

I have been writing an awful lot about friends lately. I like it. The people who are in my life right now are fantastic. To me, they are the definition of a kindred spirits. Historically my friendships come in waves. Often it feels like feast or famine, but currently I have reached a middle ground. I guess this is what happens when you allow others to take care of you and see your vulnerability.

For most of my life I have attempted to portray a strength and courage that I did not always posses. I have never liked feeling weak, but one of the many lessons I have learned this year is that weakness is not letting others in, it is trying to do it all on your own. Putting on an outward appearance of strength and hiding away your pain till it eats you from the inside out it true weakness. It is the people around me, my friends who over the past months that have made me truly strong. The ones that have prayed and let me cry and have simply made an effort.

True weakness is not knowing when to get help. True weakness is not helping when someone needs you. I am forever grateful to my friends, both old and new who have been there time and time again and showed me what true strength and courage is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Someday.

Long ago I lost track of how many days it has been since my life took a strange turn. Yet I still feel like the shadow of it has a never-ending reach and the future is too far away to touch. Sometimes I wish there was a date I could look forward to. Something defined and tangible. Even if it is 1000 days away it would be nice to know that it existed. For the most part I am past simply getting through one day at a time but I still feel a lack of something.

For now I will continue on and maybe someday I will have a happy countdown to look forward to once again. I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Steadfast & thankful week 5

From a broken car window, to a new project at work and an unexpected ending to a race.This was a very strange week, defiantly one for the books.


img_3577Day 27:
Today was a cat day. I slept in, relaxed and cuddled under a blanket with a good movie. I was slightly productive, but I was thankful for a few days between traveling and going back to work.

img_3580Day 28:
This is my morning. A shattered windshield. Despite the awfulness of it I have a lot to be thankful for. Like a coworker who saw it not long after it happened, the guy from the business next door that came out with a broom to help me clean up the glass, and I am thankful for glass insurance so the replacement is free. Sometimes you have to look at the bright side of an awful situation.

img_3593Day 29:
When I first joined the Art of Film club I honestly don’t think I knew what I was getting myself into. Most of the time the movie are amazing, and sometimes they are not my taste. Thankfully, I have friends in the club with me that I am making memories with movie after movie.

img_3598Day 30:
I am thankful for another month over. True it was not a bad month, but I have been wishing for the year to be over for so long and stepping into December feels like I am almost there.

img_3639Day 31:
I am thankful for a
new challenge at work.
It should be an interesting
project hopefully everything
goes smoothly.

img_3642Day 32:
I have not been running like I should be. So when I somehow placed second in my age group at the WhonNELLville 5k I was shocked, but I was thankful for the fun surprise of winning a prize!

img_3645Day 33: 
At least once a week it is nice to have a cat like day. That you can relax and pretend there is nothing to do. Today I was thankful to have a relaxing day, after the cold race last night I needed some recovery time to be ready for Monday.

Inside jokes in the making.

Often I have found myself walking into a situation thinking that it will be one thing, then getting in the middle of it and realizing that it is something else entirely. Too many times I have been alone in these bazar moments wishing I had someone to share them with. After all, memories and inside jokes are made from unique experiences. Lucky for me, the past few times I have felt this way I was able to look beside me and see a friend sharing in the oddity of the moment and it is a wonderful feeling.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unrealistic timetables.

Today is a day that I feel like I need to pull some inspirational words out of myself. I need something to remind me that I am stronger than the hurt that still lingers inside of me, that I have grown and changed for the good. A part of me was sure by now I would feel more confidant and healed. Ten months ago Thanksgiving and Christmas felt so far away. Now I find myself days away from Thanksgiving wondering how many more tears I will have to cry.

I know that we often set unrealistic timetables for ourselves. I know that I am capable of coming out of this tunnel so much better than I could imagine and that rushing through to the end helps nothing. Time and healing have to work their way though the process at their own pace. It is an uncontrollable truth.

Over the next month I am looking forward to so many wonderful things and I am attempting to hold on to that anticipation and not the discouragement I feel inside. Time with family and friends will give me a chance to feel encouraged and hopefully push me through this emotional slump I find myself in. Time will continue to go at its own pace, and I will continue to find my strength as I learn patience.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The storm.

I am glad there are not many people I can compare situations with, but sometimes I wish I had a standard to measure my experience to.All I want to do is feel strong and confidant, yet I feel more lost and confused than ever. I wish there was a way to know that the path I am on is tested and sure. That the days are supposed start to get easier, yet somehow feel worse.

What I have learned from a few others is that it is impossible to compare stories side by side. Everyone has a different circumstance, everyone has their own situation. I just wish someone could tell me when the pain will stop. I want to sleep and feel rested. I want to stop feeling alone. I am so very tired of worrying about things I thought I would never have to worry about again. I know it will be alright, that eventually this storm I am living in will pass, I just wish I knew when.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.