First.

Tonight was movie club night! We watches “Potiche”, and it was amazing. I love being introduced to movies that I have never seen before. This film was a French movie that was based in the late 1970’s. It is about a trophy wife who finds her way off the shelf and into the heart of her community. She proves not only to herself but to her family exactly what she is capable of.

While I was at the theater I took advantage of pre-sale Star Wars tickets! Apparently, I was the first ticket they sold in the first three days they have been available. I think I will take it as a complement, instead of a statement to my insanity. I am excited to have an epic movie day with friends and watch the entire series before the main event of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”. There may be some controversy over what order to watch the series in, but I am sure a compromise will be met.

img_2281When “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” came out two years ago I had a list of people I was buying tickets for. There was a whole group of us that went to the first showing of the movie together, it was a fun evening. This time it was just a single ticket for me, but I am still fortunate to have two friends to go with.

Sometimes, it still hits me how different many things are, yet other things remain the same. I feel so fortunate for the strong friendships I am building and that some of them are as crazy as I am. Afterall, everyone needs a little crazy in their lives.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Advertisements

Hurry up and wait.

I feel like my life has turned into a series of hurry up and waits. A lot of the time I am not really sure if I’m hurrying or waiting. Sometimes I think it is a little of both. There are few days that pass that I feel truly settled in the events of the day. Most of the time it still feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest. Although, the pain is much more manageable, the hurt is still there. I have truly done my best to not let the events of my past make me bitter, but sometimes that is a true struggle that I am not sure I am winning.

Every day I try to convince myself that the little things will no longer hurt. That the pain will someday disappear, but I wonder if that is really true. There are times I still feel residual pain from my childhood, lost friendships and misunderstood events haunt us all. At the end of the day we simply learn to overcome the pain and push it aside with the hope that the next time we open up the wound will stay healed and the scar will disappear a little bit more.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time and faith.

There is still a strange ache somewhere inside of me. A lot of the time it creeps up and it goes unnoticed until it feels all-consuming. Today was a day like that, actually the past few weeks have been filled with these days. At the beginning an ache like this would have me crippled feeling hopeless and crying myself to sleep. Now I feel pain but am able to work through it.

Someday I wonder when it will stop, I tell myself over and over again that eventually an end must come. At this point all I have is wishful thinking and encouragement from others who have been down their own painful paths. I am constantly encouraged and grateful for their willingness to share their stories with me. They are examples of how with time and faith a happy ending is possible.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Today.

After all that has happened today in America I feel guilty saying that I had a great day. It never ceases to amaze me how each person’s perception of a day can be so different. True last night I did not sleep very well, but for some reason I was able to function close my normal standard. For me today felt like it went pretty fast and for the most part I was productive.

With all this being said I of course felt for Las Vegas and the many people affected. For the overall country it was another horrible day in history. Honestly, this had been a pretty rough few months for Americans. Between natural disasters and the shooting today there has been a lot of trauma and loss. No part of a tragedy is good, but the way people come together in the aftermath always helps to restore my faith in humanity. Hearing stories of people coming together to help those in need shows me that not all is lost.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Something wonderful.

Today I had in-service for my lifeguarding position at the Y. There were so many new faces we were asked to go around the room and say our name and something wonderful that recently happened in our lives. I can honestly say I was not sure how to answer that question. One of the lifeguards was just crowned homecoming queen, another backpacked through Europe over the summer and a few are having great sports season. For me I still feel it is a great accomplishment to make it through a day without crying. Somehow, I didn’t think that was they type of answer they were looking for. Even beyond that, it was not the answer I wanted to give because for many of them it would require an explanation I did not feel like saying.

Sometimes. I am frustrated that I am still celebrating small victories. I know every day I am getting better and stronger, but sometimes it feels like time moves too slowly or not at all. I guess I need to remember that even small victories are worth recognizing because they all add up to a much greater whole.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Treading water.

Why exactly do people call it moving on. I feel like all I am doing is treading water. Some days are good and I am not struggling to breath, but other times it all too much to handle. Some days the water is so rough it takes all I can to not be swept under. Other times I am the one making it difficult to stay up. It is like I am testing my own limits and getting a little stronger and more confidant with each struggle.

I am sure in time the water will feel smooth and I will be willing to take a great leap of faith and move forward, until then I will continue this strand dance I am in with the water. Who knows, maybe someday someone will tell me to put my feet down, I’ll touch the ground and feel like a fool for struggling for nothing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A trio of women.

I was feeling very lonely a while ago, but it feels like in the blink of an eye I have a people coming out of the wood work. Well, maybe that is over exaggerating a little, but I am excited none the less. I have been so very blessed by this amazing trio of women that have been making me feel so wonderful. Each I met in different ways and at different times in my life.

One is an old friendship that never truly stopped, but lately we have been communicating more and more. Thank goodness for social media! We meet long ago as teenagers and have reconnected a few times over the years, but lately I feel like we have rekindled what we once had long ago. I hope that our stream of communication continues and our friendship grows

The next is an amazing girl that I have not known for long but we were instant kindred spirits. I met her for a little over a year, and what a year it has been. In that time we both planned weddings, and fortunately hers had a wonderful outcome. We drifted apart because of busyness and uncooperative schedules, but lately we have been making plans and chatting. I am thankful to have her in my life once again.

Last but never least, is a new acquaintance that I met through a friend. She is the fiancée of a guy I feel like I have known forever. She recently moved to the area and I think she appreciates my craziness. We both have a love of movies and are creative people. We have a few things in the works and I hope we continue to build a lasting friendship.

Each of these women are so unique and bring out different strengths in me. I am so very thankful and grateful that they have come into my life and are willing to put up with me. I hope the future holds more time together, lots of conversations and more fun then we ever knew was possible.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Equilibrium.

My temper has been short all day. All I wanted to do was get home so I could save everyone else from an oncoming explosion. Somehow I made it through the day and felt much better once I got home, changed into sweatpants and relaxed. I envy those who are always even-tempered, that has never been me.

After my long weekend away a few weeks ago I have had a difficult time regaining my routine. Sometimes it is nice to do things differently, but right now I think it is putting me a little on edge. I am not a fan of feeling behind and right now that is exactly how I feel. To be truthful I am not actually behind. My apartment is cleaner than it has been in a long time, I made some delicious meals this week and went on a few adventures.

Hopefully over the next few weeks I can reach an equilibrium and feel more like myself again. Until then I will do my best to remember to take a deep breath before speaking, I think it is best for all involved.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

My best each day.

I am sure from most perspectives my posts seem like just another heartbroken girl attempting to make sense of a break up. I guess you are not completely wrong, but to me I am not so much trying to make sense of the break up but to find a way through to the other side. With each passing day and each post I write I am trying to re-introduce myself to me. I know I will never have all the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from doing my best each day to make it better than the last. What the future holds is unknown to me, but I know that I can handle anything that comes my way with more strength and confidence than ever before.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A few examples.

I am now going to write the most obvious words I can think of, I have never been through a break up like this. I don’t say that because I have never been left at the altar before, or because it involved an overbearing disapproving mother, because in some respects that would be true. In all honesty there are so many ways why this ended relationship has been unique.

It was a clean break with never a though of turning back. There have been odd moments where an old habit brought him to the surface, but I have not once wanted to run back into his arms. Maybe that seems a little harsh and unbelievable, but it is the truth. The loss still hurts, because I thought what we had was a solid foundation, and we were good together in so many respects. But at the end of the day the important things were forgotten and left to blow in the wind.

Another unique thing about this break up is that I did more than simply learn from a mistake. I have grown, changed and am slowly becoming a person I never knew existed inside of me. Sometimes, I look back at my early post and take note of how far I have come. In no way does this growth take away any of the pain, but it has taught me how to handle it with a little more grace, most of the time.

These are just a few examples of the difference between this and every other ended relationship I have had. Often I wish I didn’t have to go through the pain of the past months to get to where I need to be, but the truth is we never fully appreciate the journey until we get to the destination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.