Someday.

Long ago I lost track of how many days it has been since my life took a strange turn. Yet I still feel like the shadow of it has a never-ending reach and the future is too far away to touch. Sometimes I wish there was a date I could look forward to. Something defined and tangible. Even if it is 1000 days away it would be nice to know that it existed. For the most part I am past simply getting through one day at a time but I still feel a lack of something.

For now I will continue on and maybe someday I will have a happy countdown to look forward to once again. I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Unrealistic timetables.

Today is a day that I feel like I need to pull some inspirational words out of myself. I need something to remind me that I am stronger than the hurt that still lingers inside of me, that I have grown and changed for the good. A part of me was sure by now I would feel more confidant and healed. Ten months ago Thanksgiving and Christmas felt so far away. Now I find myself days away from Thanksgiving wondering how many more tears I will have to cry.

I know that we often set unrealistic timetables for ourselves. I know that I am capable of coming out of this tunnel so much better than I could imagine and that rushing through to the end helps nothing. Time and healing have to work their way though the process at their own pace. It is an uncontrollable truth.

Over the next month I am looking forward to so many wonderful things and I am attempting to hold on to that anticipation and not the discouragement I feel inside. Time with family and friends will give me a chance to feel encouraged and hopefully push me through this emotional slump I find myself in. Time will continue to go at its own pace, and I will continue to find my strength as I learn patience.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Tomorrow.

I need to stop saying “I’ll do it tomorrow”, because there is always another tomorrow. What I need to do is make a plan and stick to it. Attempting to stay motivated is difficult sometimes, but that is when pushing through is the most important. There are an infant amount of tomorrows, but there is only one today.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The attention span of a gnat

I currently have the attention span of a gnat. Not exactly where you want to be Monday evening. Hopefully I can pull myself together for the rest of the week and be productive, otherwise I might be in trouble. I did manage to get a few things done this evening, but boy do I wish I could be two people sometimes. Honestly, it is so frustrating thinking that you were moving forward in your life with someone by your side, just to be left alone again. Sometimes it is silly things, like having someone else to help with the dishes or to vacuum while you clean the bath tub. Then there are the big moments like sharing special events and making memories.

I know that if I could go back I would never want a different outcome. What happened was meant to be, this is simply a storm I had to weather. But that does not make being alone any easier.

As a side note, anyone know how to train cats to fold laundry?

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Just passing.

Sometimes I get to the end of a day and I am not really sure how I got there. It can be a sad feeling to know the day has passed, but nothing stands out to mark it as special. I am sure I have always had this kind of day, but now I seem to have a lot of them. Although I feel more stable, there are times I still feel like I am barely holding on.

This weekend is set up to be quite exciting. I hope everything works out that is supposed to, because I could use an exciting weekend.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

If I could control time.

Time moves in such strange ways. Sometimes it flies by so quickly it is impossible to keep track of it. Other times turtles move faster, but slow and steady eventually gets you somewhere. I wish I could control time. I used to think that flying or being able to breath under water was the super power to have, but now I wonder if there isn’t merit in time control.

I wonder what it would be like to bend time. If you could control it you could get an extra hour of sleep without actually losing any part of your day. You could have work slip by smoothly and enjoy lots of long lazy evenings. A transcontinental flight would feel like a blink of an eye and beautiful sunsets could last for hours.

Unfortunately there would be many negatives. By speeding up time would you be missing the reality of life? Even if it is just the perception of time you are altering how would you ever know the truth of what is going on around you? I guess for every positive there must be a negative.

The truth is that as long as time continues to move forward and I hold on to the promise of a better future time control is not necessary. I hope someday I am content in every part of my life and enjoy each moment at the speed it passes. Every day I can feel myself one step closer to this being a reality and that is a wonderful feeling.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A half hour nap.

On my way home for lunch I decided that I was going to curl up and read for a bit, but I guess at some point my body confused reading with taking a half hour nap, because that is exactly what I did. Lately it does not seem to matter how much sleep I get it is never enough. I feel like I am eating pretty well, and keeping my self busy. I could be more physically active during the week, but I am not completely sedentary, yet my body and mind can not seem to agree to function at the same level.

It is like something is missing or has been forgotten. I am sure this is just a phase. Like all things it will balance out and I will feel more like me again. Maybe a new month will bring the calm I need after the insanity that has been September. Or maybe I will be chasing after this mystery piece of me for a while. Only time will bring answers.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.