A half hour nap.

On my way home for lunch I decided that I was going to curl up and read for a bit, but I guess at some point my body confused reading with taking a half hour nap, because that is exactly what I did. Lately it does not seem to matter how much sleep I get it is never enough. I feel like I am eating pretty well, and keeping my self busy. I could be more physically active during the week, but I am not completely sedentary, yet my body and mind can not seem to agree to function at the same level.

It is like something is missing or has been forgotten. I am sure this is just a phase. Like all things it will balance out and I will feel more like me again. Maybe a new month will bring the calm I need after the insanity that has been September. Or maybe I will be chasing after this mystery piece of me for a while. Only time will bring answers.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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A magical place. 

I woke up miserable today. It took pretty much all morning for me to feel human again. But even with the rough start it turned out to be a wonderful day spent with old friends and new. 

This weekend I am at ladies retreat at the campground I grew up on. There are two things I look forward to each year. The auction, and taking off Saturday for lunch and shopping with my mom and friends. It was a fun escape and way to spend time together. 

After shopping and lunch, most of the afternoon was spent watching a friend hand crochet. I have many creative talents, anything with yarn is not one of them so I was mesmerized watching her work. Somehow, I ended up walking away with a hat and matching scarf. Hopefully it will be a while before I need them, but I will be excited to wear them when the time comes. 

Camp is always a magical place. It has been great to spend time here this weekend. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

To sleep tonight. 

I can not wait to go to sleep tonight. It has been one of those weeks that all I want to do was sleep. Unfortunately, this weekend will not be quite as restful as I had hoped, but it will still be a great weekend. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

16 years ago.

Every year on 9/11 I am transported back to high school. Suddenly I am the 8th grader sitting in art class without a care in the world not knowing that five hours away everything was changing.  It is surreal to think back on the feelings and emotions, the sudden temperature drop of everything around me. I was old enough to know what was going on, but not quite old enough to fully understand the long-term ramification. Tragedy and heartbreak. Loss and destruction. It it still unthinkable to me that people can knowingly cause so much pain.

Year after year I see more conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11 and it breaks my heart. I am not saying there are not un answered questions about the events and many strange circumstances surrounding that horrible day. But today should be about showing respect for those who risked their lives on the chance they could save others. Today of all days should be about a continued support for those who lost loved ones, friends and family alike. It should be about coming together, not tearing apart.

The pictures to analyze will be there tomorrow and the next, but as you look at them remember they were not empty buildings or planes. It was not a movie prop or anything controlled, conspiracy or not never forget the pain of that day and the months to follow. Many lost someone, but we all lost something.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

Unpredictable.

A neighborhood cat has decided my porch is the place to be and it has turned my apartment into a very strange battle ground. Neither of my cats are acting like themselves. The one that is usually dominate and fearless is hiding and hissing at almost anything that comes close. On the other hand the timid shy cat that hides under the bed when there is a loud noise is being outgoing and enjoying extra cuddles.

Honestly, I should not be surprised that my cats are not acting as expected about the situation. After all from my experience some people in stressful situations can be very unpredictable. I have even been surprised how I have handled the unspeakable situations I have dealt with over the past months, not to mention little moments that pop in and out at will.

Hopefully the neighborhood cat will find a new favorite spot soon and my two will be back to normal. I have been hoping and praying for the same thing for me and slowly I am feeling more and more confidant. I know that God is useing this time in my life to make me a better person able to help others in ways I never could have before. I am not so sure thankful is the word to use, but I am grateful that in time something wonderful will come out of all the pain.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

My not so little cousin. 

Time flies, it is honestly insane how fast it goes. 12 years ago on Tuesday one of my little cousins was born, but I guess I can not call her little any more. She has grown into such a beautiful creative person, and I was excited to be able to celebrate her birthday today. It was a wonderful adventure and great time spent with family. 

There were so many wonderful parts of the day, it is impossible to name a favorite. She was excited about each of her presents. We took a walk in the woods. I ate a peach right off the tree. We saw the pigs and chickens they are raising. She showed me her little art studio and we talked so much about this and that. Spending time with kids is simply the best. 

I wish I lived closer so I could spend more time with them, but unfortunately the five hour drive is too much to make all the time. For now I can’t wait for thanksgiving to spend more time with them all. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Friday. 

The past few weeks have been busy, and my temper has gotten short. But today I did not have to deal with any of it. Sometimes it is important to have a few days off from your normal routine to give you a chance to breath. Instead of work, I hiked. It was a park I had never been to with beautiful views I had never seen.

The day was a perfect way to hit reset on my temper so I can be ready for whatever comes my way. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Perceived time.

Perceived time versus actual time is such a strange thing to consider. There are so many things, good and bad that feel like they happened just yesterday. In reality, yesterday was a normal, busy day at work that had nothing extraordinary about it. Sometimes I have to actually think about how much time has passed to get me to the point I am. It has been months and months, yet more often than not it really feels like it all happened yesterday.

This week flew by in a flurry of long, busy, exhausting days that were gone in a flash. I used to dread weeks passing quickly because weekends were the most difficult. Two days of empty time with no one to help fill them. Now I look forward to every weekend. A few days that I can sleep late, get things done and take off on an adventure. I still wish someone was around to help me fill the time, but unlike before the being alone does not terrify me.

Time truly is an amazing thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

2024.

Unfortunately, I was not in the path of the total solar eclipse today, but along with my co-workers and so many others across the country I did observe part of the sun disappear behind the moon. The next eclipse that will be visible to me is in April of 2024. It will be a total eclipse from where I am now, so it will be extra exciting!

At one point of the day or another we all recounted the last eclipse we remembered. For most of us it was the one in 1994, but we all had very different experiences. Some remembered making pin hole cameras to watch the sun disappear while others remembered the funny glasses. For me it was a wonderful adventure. My mom took me out of school and together with a friend we went up to a science museum. We got to look through a telescope at the eclipse as well as take part in other events. Although I was only 6, I still remember how exciting it was, sometimes when you look back on your childhood it is the little things that mean the most.

Who knows what will happen between now and 2024. It is crazy to think of how much my life could change in the next 7 years. Whatever happens I know it will be amazing, and maybe I should keep my amazing eclipse watching glasses in a safe place for the next time, just in case.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Weekends

Weekends are not long enough.

Over all I had a productive and relaxing two days, but is simply was not enough. For the past month or so it feels like I start each week with such a negative attitude, but I guess any more a frustrating week feels inevitable. It is not the anticipated work as much as a lack of motivation and positivity. Every work day it takes more and more to get me out the door and to work, but somehow I manage to make it happen.

So here is to another week, hopefully better than the last.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.