Fish bowl.

When something horrible happens in our lives it seems like the world should stop and morn with us. For the most part you understand, after all you are not the center of the universe. Still, it hurts that the everything continues on without you. The world spins, the days pass by and people move on with their lives

It feel like you are stuck in a fish bowl longing to be moving forward with the rest to the world. In time you find your way out of the place you are stuck and begin to move. Most of the time you move forward, sometimes it feels like you are on Willy Wonka’s elevator going every which way possible. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to crawl back in the safe space and take a break, but time has taught it is better to take the leap of faith and see what adventures await you. After all, if you never take a chance you will only miss out.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Test of time.

You know what show I really should not be watching right now?

If you guessed “How I Met Your Mother” you would be right. The whole show is about relationships. Some are successful, some not so much. Through the 4,576 min of the show are at least three canceled weddings, who knows how many break ups and one night stands, one divorce and one death. After the first major break up I was sure I should stop. When the first wedding was canceled I almost started crying, but for some reason I keep watching. I can not relate to many parts of the show, but I can appreciate the struggle and desire to find a relationship that is real and will stand the test of time.

There have been times that I have wished everything that I am going through could be scripted and could be stop and start it at will. Unfortunately, that is not real life nor is it the way to heal and move on. The redeeming quality is that the show does portray with some accuracy the pain of being left at the altar. I can also appreciate that the characters, for the most part did not immediately bounce back after heartbreak, there is a bit of a recovery process after each break up and everyone handles it differently.

For me it is interesting to hear a love story being told by someone who has known loss and never gave up on the potential of future relationships. This is something that I am trying desperately to do as well. It is impossible to know what the future holds, but I am doing my best to hold on to hope.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Only Wednesday.

Some weeks fly, other weeks drag and rarely does time seem to go at the correct pace. Every day this week has felt so very long. It is strange, usually weeks that drag are slow and boring, but this week has been busy both at work and home. Maybe the last two days of the work week will fly by. Time plays such funny tricks on our minds.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The finish line.

Walking out of work today felt like I was crossing the of finish line of a week-long race. Every day felt like a continuation of the last, through the week I was battered and bruised but somehow I managed to come out on top. The hope for a beautiful weekend keep me going strong right up to the end. It feels like we have been waiting for this beautiful weather for far too long. Now that it is here I hope I can take advantage of as much of it as I can.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time will tell.

Before this week started I knew it was going to have some difficult moments. My hope is that today was the worse of it, because it was a horrible day. The kind that feels like you have joined Sisyphus in continually rolling a rock up a hill. I can not tell you how many times I watched the rock roll back to the bottom. There were a few times that I reminded myself that I have survived much worst than this.

Just as I know with time I will overcome my current struggle, I knew that the problems of today would soon pass. It’s strange how often I draw strength from that horrible day and the many difficult, emotional days that followed. I am sure there will be a much bigger reason for the pain I have gone through then getting through difficult days, but it is still encouraging to be able to tell myself with confidence that I can handle anything that comes my way. Now at the end of the day I feel somewhat secure in what I will be walking into tomorrow, but I have learned that you never truly know what will happen until you get there. I guess time will tell.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A lot of nothing.

This evening I did the bare minimum. It was nice to sit on the couch and stare at the TV or play on my phone. I am sure tomorrow I will regret the pile of dishes in the sink and the fact I wasted a beautiful evening on the couch instead of on a run, but some times it is nice to be lazy. I try so hard to do so much that it becomes difficult to manage it all. I find that some nights it is important to take some time to relax.

Sadly the dishes will still be there tomorrow and hopefully the weather will allow me to go for a run, but if not there are worse things. I have never been very good at going with the flow. I like to have an idea of what could happen, but I am trying very hard to take things as they come and not put unneeded stress on myself. The whole thing is much easier said then done, but I will keep working on it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Easy to forget.

It is easy to forget what those around us are facing. We are all a little selfish and forgetful. There are days that I need to work extremely hard to remember that conversations that go on around me are not meant to cause me pain. Most times when the topic hurts the most I try to pretend it is not really happening, but every once and I while I chime in to remind people that my pain is still very real.

Some days even I forget the reality of being left at the altar. Mostly because I am still not sure what the reality is, however, I am very clear on the outcome. There are still days it is strange to be alone, days that no one texts me but my mom, days that I have to remember that some things are not what they used to be. The absolute worst are the days that I need to tell someone that my life took an unexpected twist.

As time goes by things have a way of evolving. My reactions are not the same as they used to be, remembering to taking a deep breath before answering questions is a lifesaver. Some of my emotions have dulled and others are heightened. I keep praying to reach a balancing point and I am sure when the timing is perfect some form of equilibrium will be reached. Until then I face every day hopeful and willing to take on every challenge that comes my way. After all, there is not much more I can do.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Never enough time.

How do the days go so slow and the evenings fly by. There are days that feel like I just got home and it is already past my bed time. Sometimes I wish I could reverse things and make work speed up and create long lazy evenings, unfortunately that is not they way things work. Even on the weekends I feel like there is never enough time to do everything I wish I could do.

As much as I know that time is on my side for healing and personal growth, that is how much it is against me when it comes to feeling productive. I guess it is good I have full evenings and weekends, having too much time to think still has a tendency to push my thoughts in a negative direction. Eventually I hope I can master the ability to motivate myself to get everything done and have time to relax, but I highly doubt that will happen any time soon.

Everyday I try to find something positive to hold on to, this makes the long part of the day feel a little shorter. When I can hold on to the simple, good things I find the craziness of each day is more manageable. Work will always be work, and there will never be enough time for everything I want to do. At the end of the day I try to remember how far I have come and how I smile more every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Less and less.

This morning on my way out the door my neighbor asked me how I was doing . I responded as I always do saying I was fine. It was surprising when he said that he could tell, that I was looking better. It is nice to know that I am starting to look more confident and stronger, because that is exactly how I feel.

Less and less I wonder about him. I am starting to think more about what the future could hold for me and less what has been lost. My mind is not as scary a place to disappear in as it once was and my dreams are almost always happy. Time really is a miraculous thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Me and not a we.

Today is a day without words. I have flickers of thoughts, but they leave as fast as they come. It is a rather unsettling feeling, but one I am getting more used to. The weeks are flying by and it is strange not having a far distant event to look forward to. No anniversaries looming, or anything I have been counting the days till. Planning something I know I will do on my own is still a little strange, which is funny because I never had a problem with it before. It is still hard to remember the concept of just being a me and not a we.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.