One year later.

This morning I woke up with an odd feeling in my chest. Not exactly an ache, it was more like I was unable to catch my breath. Even now after the whole day has gone by the feeling has not fully disappeared. This process so far has been long and difficult and I know I am not close to being done dealing with the residual effects. Every step I have taken since this day last year has brought me so far from where I started. I am so thankful for each person who has been a positive force during that time. Each prayer and gesture has meant more to me than I can express.

Over the past few days I have cried more consistently than I have in months, but at every tear I was so supported. I am beyond thankful for all of my family, but in particular my cousin and her family. Her five kids kept me laughing and running around so much I hardly had time to think. There were a few times that her husband did some extra running around and put the kids to bed alone so I could have some extra time with my cousin. The past few evenings we have had some chats that went far too late and I am grateful that she took the time with me when I am sure she would have rather been in bed. Some people might think they have amazing families, but I have proof that for me it is true.

One year ago tonight I cried myself to sleep and had no clue what I was going to wake up to the next morning. Tonight I might go to bed with tears in my eyes, but with a heart full of hope and memories of a wonderful weekend.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


The journey.

Never did I expect to make it through this weekend without tears, but I had hoped to make it a little farther into it before they started. I am not really scared to cry, but it is not my favorite thing do. From the beginning I have felt it is important to let my emotions out when I can, bottling them up does nothing to help me as I heal. I am sure the last of my tears have not been shed, but in time I hold hope that the sting they hold will lessen. Strength does not need to come with a hard shell, what it needs is faith that moves mountains.

This space filled with words has become my outlet to hold many of my emotions and process thoughts. I am glad I have documented my journey because it is so encouraging to see how far I have come. In some ways the time has moved slowly. There were days I felt like I held my breath all day to stop myself from crying. Other days I felt strong, but still very broken. My story feels more like something you would see as the plot of a movie or tv show and I have to remind myself that it really did happen. Each time I tell someone about it the disbelief is only halted by the look in my eyes that shows the reality.

This weekend will be good for me. There is nothing like being surrounded by family (including 5 crazy kids) to make the toughest situation alright. If I need to talk they will listen, if I need to cry there is nothing stopping me and with so many people around I am never alone.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Then and now.

More and more I am having flashes to what it was like a year ago and it feels like I am watching a movie that is based on real events that you know will end in tragedy. Yet you keep watching anyway hoping for a different ending. I know that day was not the end of my story. Since then I have grown in so many ways and have an incredibly long list of things and people to be grateful for. There are adventures yet to be had and a happily ever after waiting out there for me. I am doing my best to stand tall, but I am sad to say I can feel my resolve to get through this next week with few tears crumbling.

Last year is in the past. The lessons I learned from it will only make me wiser and stronger. This coming week might not be the end of emotional battle, but I do think that it is a type of ending. A part of this journey is coming full circle and I will be grateful to get to the other side.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


I wish I could stop going around in circles. My thoughts keep going in and out and in directions I never knew possible. Looping around the past and present with confusing emotions mixed in with a few tears. It has been far too long since I have felt this mixed up inside. I am hoping it is just a small wave and not the beginning of a very long emotional roller coaster of a month.

No matter what, this struggle is temporary. I am stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. There is no way I will let this bring me down.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A few weeks away.

I am weeks away from the one year mark of my recovery process. My plan is to go into the next few weeks with as much positivity as I can. I wish I knew what challenges they held, but no matter what happens I know I can handle it. There is no doubt that there will be tears and some sleepless nights, but in the end this is simply another milestone that must be overtaken.

Fortunately, there will also be a few adventures and fun times with friends and family to look forward to. My hope is that the weather holds out so everything can happen as planed. No matter what I know that I have an unbelievable amount of support, love and prayers. There is nothing that can hold me down.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


Sometimes it feels weird to not cry every day. A part of me got used to having tears be a natural part of my life. I remember days that I would take my lunch at odd times so I could go out to my car and cry. There were months that I was nervous to talk to anyone because I was worried I would break down in front of them. Even looking at my reflection was too much because then I had to face the deadness in my eyes.

Slowly days have gotten better. I can still remember watching the color return to my face and the light come back to my eyes. I no longer felt the need to hide myself. There are so many roads I could have gone down, so many times I could have stopped moving myself forward, but I am far too stubborn for that and have far too many people encouraging me. I know I am still on this road of recovery, but the light seems so much brighter and I will continue running toward it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

This tear-stained road.

I still have no clue where this tear-stained road will take me, but where ever it leads will be worth it. I pray every day that the lessons I learn during this time will be able to help others. God never puts us in a situation without a purpose, and most of the time we will never truly understand the reason.

You have never been tempted to sin in any different way than other people. God is faithful. He will not allow you to be tempted more than you can take. But when you are tempted, He will make a way for you to keep from falling into sin.
1 Corinthians 10:13

The tears come slower now and it is amazing how much I have changed. The pain has started to disappear but sometimes I am afraid that the scar it has left behind will never fully be gone. Every day I hope will be able to overcome my fears of the future and be able to seize each opportunity that presents its self. This road may be long, but I will eventually reach a cross-road opening me up to a world of possibilities. I wonder what opportunities will be waiting for me there…

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.