Why.

It seems impossible to hold myself together today. It has been such a long time since I felt so helpless. Somehow I managed to hold back the tears for most of the afternoon, but as soon as I got to my car I let them come. I do my best to block out the pain and to hold back the negative emotions, to only see the potential that the future holds, but some days it is simply too much.

Why does it all still hurt so badly? I try to convince myself that every day it gets easier, but lately things that were easy before seem impossible now. Hopefully tomorrow really will be easier, and I really will be stronger. I wish I had more answers, a way to put myself in a better frame of mind but there is no genie in a bottle or star to wish on that holds my answers. It has been a very stressful, exhausting few weeks, I am hoping that is the root of my issue. Maybe once I am back on track I will be able to manage my pain better and feel like I am moving forward again.

I am very thankful for the little ways that I found support today. There was a post on Instagram that picked up my spirits when I was barely holding it together. An unexpected compliment that my short hair looks better on me than long. The perfect song on the radio at the perfect time, and a lost file that was found. It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives and always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

To heal correctly.

I thought I was done crying. There were a few days, maybe almost a week that I didn’t shed a tear, but then they started again. Sometimes I wonder why it still hurts so much, but then I remember that things fall faster than the are built. No matter how strong you are it takes time to refit the crumbled pieces back together again. I am trying to remember that speed is a non-factor, the goal is strength and to heal correctly takes time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Empty moments.

I thought the end of the day would be so much easier by now. It is better than it was, but I am still fighting each empty moment. As much as I want time to fly by so I can say I have survived one more day, that is how much I want everything to stop so I can regain a foot hold. Sometimes it still feels like I am hanging on by my finger tips praying not to fall.

The days and weeks are going faster than I could imagine. At the same time it feels like the world is moving forward, but I am not. Facing another tomorrow is not as terrifying as it once was, I know I can make it through and handle whatever comes my way. Right now the heart ache is easier and the tears come slowly. I can not wait for the day that my heart is open and I have no need to cry.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

When I write.

Somedays the words flow easily, other times my head is so full of things it can’t settle on a single idea. Today is a little bit of a floaty day, I have been sick which always makes cohesive thoughts difficult and writing a little bit fuzzy.

At the beginning of this unfortunate adventure I was writing, or at least outlining two or three posts a day. There was so much pain coming from so many places the words flowed without stopping. Now the pain feels targeted and inconsistent. Most of the time I prefer to look past the hurt and focus on other things. However, this does not always work.

Once I sit down to write and the words start to come they don’t always make sense. Sometimes I am not sure what the point will end up being. I end up writing and re-writing until something makes sense. Honestly, I am not sure the point really matters. After all, the last 50+ posts have not been to change the world. The goal has been to help me heal and process my feelings.

This is simply a place that I can be honest with myself and share my journey with those who care. I hope someday this can become a happy place full of wonderful thoughts and no pain. At the moment this is where I bottle up all my hurt so I can smile and hold in tears the rest of the time. When I write, there are always tears.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I never knew.

You never know how strong you are until you face what feels impossible. Fortunately, this goes for good things and bad. I never knew I could run a 5k, until I did. Each time I put on my sneakers and walk out the door I remember that I will be stronger at the end of this run and the next one will be easier.

Everyday I take this lesson to heart. Everyday I hope I am stronger than the day before. I can cry a little less and handle the pain with more courage. The first few hours after the end of what I thought was forever, I was terrified I would never smile again. How could I face my family and friends? How would I ever move on?

It amazes me how quickly I overcame each immediate fear. That day I smiled and laughed. I chased kids, built castles and had fun. I was embraced by family and friends. I found comfort and strength in so many things that day. Much to my surprise, I found strength in me.

Each day I can feel my confidence growing. I hold my head a little higher and step out of my door ready to seize the day. I never knew I could be so strong until I had to be and now I know I can face anything that comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Waterproof mascara.

I’m not much for makeup. It’s fun sometimes, but for the most part I don’t see it being worth the effort. My one exception is mascara. I love mascara. It makes my blue eyes pop, and simply makes me feel pretty. On the day to day I don’t care about covering up my scars and blemishes. It feels like I can never get everything to look ok without it taking far too long anyway.

For my wedding I picked out an assortment of makeup. One thing every bride must have is waterproof mascara. I was 100% sure I was going to cry that day. Silly me, I thought they would be tears of joy, not pain. On that day my waterproof mascara stayed packed away with my other makeup, but soon it would be my best friend.

In the past few weeks my waterproof mascara has made me feel confident. I hold myself together pretty well on the day to day. I save my tears for times that I am alone. Many are shed while I write, edit and re-write. But I feel like I live in constant fear of running into someone who doesn’t know, or having something come over me so quickly that I can’t contain it. For the moments of fear I wear waterproof mascara.

I found myself in a situation not long ago where I did not use my trusty waterproof mascara and teary eyes did come. Fortunantly I was able to maintain enough composure to not have too much of an issue, but it cemented my fear. I’m not sure how long I will be using my waterproof mascara. I guess someday I will be brave enough to venture off into less secure mascara, but for now I will stick to what makes me feel more comfortable.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.