A shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes the biggest leaps are made when we have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Although my situation is not as uncommon as I once thought, it is still not something that most people have experienced. Beyond that, each situation is vastly different, yet somehow shockingly the same. Each person who has been through an extreme break up can relate to one another because we have all felt our hearts being ripped from our chests and are at varying stages of repair.

I have said time and time again how fortunate I have been to have people in my life that have experienced something comparable to what I am recovering from. It still amazes me each time someone reaches out to share their stories, because I know they are opening up about a time in their life that they would rather not talk about. Whether a nasty divorce, a broken engagement, or being left at the altar the pain is unimaginable.

This week I hung out with a friend I have known for what seems like forever and his fiancé. At the end of the evening my friend and I talked about the pain of a loss few can understand. He went through a horrible divorce and understands the pain I feel. He told me about some of his worse days, and how the little positive things ended up being so huge in retrospect leading him down the path that lead to his now amazing fiancé.

For me everything still feels so close that I could not say what my worse day was, but one of the most difficult days was when I was teaching a swim lesson and had to watch my ex-fiancé swim in the next lane. Typically I hate crying in front of people. I want to be strong enough to handle everything, but the truth is most of the time I do not feel so strong. I am not exactly sure when the tears started flowing, but with someone who understood right there I let them all come out.

It is nice to have a friend to talk to that truly understands and can put into words emotions that I am still trying to figure out. I have faith that my worse days are behind me, but I know there are still many difficult days to come. The good thing is I know there is always someone I can talk, and seeing their strength makes me hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Hang in there!

I know by now I should not be surprised when something so simple comes into my life at the perfect moment. Today on my hike I came across a simple rock with the words “Hang in there!” written on it. It was as if it was there just for me. A part of me wanted to take the rock home with me, but I decided a picture was enough and I would leave the words of encouragement for the next person who needed to be reminded that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with.

Over all I am doing so much better than I could have hoped, but sometimes things still feel like they are too much for me to handle. This weekend was difficult because I had to go through some boxes of wedding decorations. I spent months collecting and making things so everything would be perfect. Sadly many of my favorite things made their way to the garbage, after all, personalized cake toppers and tie clips have little value. I wanted so badly to be able to handle it all without tears, but sometimes no matter how hard you try to hold them back the tears come.

Some days I need to remember that it is alright to simply “Hang in there!”. Better days are coming and I need to do my best to remember that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Ready to take on the world! 

It is serendipitous that I have a short vacation planned for the end of next week, because I am in need of few days off. The past few months have been a good busy and a roller coaster of emotions. It has worn me down. I had a lot of amazing experiences teaching classes, volunteering and working on some new projects, but it is time to hit a reset button and come back fresh and ready to take on the world!

July has been a crazy month. It started out with many tears, but I feel like I hit a point of strength that I had been building up to. I am 100% sure that difficult days are not gone, but every day is truly feeling easier. For example, this weekend I was asked multiple times how my wedding was and I didn’t cry once when answering. It truly is amazing how strong you can become with time, when you use bad experiences to teach you not harden you.

I am truly looking forward to an August, full of new adventures and hopefully a lot more sleep.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Faith to dream. 

Let me get this out of the way, the main speaker at camp sounds like James Earl Jones and he has an incredible amount of energy. 

This morning he preached about redemption and how God can turn our vices into fruits of the spirit. He ended by reminding us that we need to continue to fill ourselves up with the Holy Spirit because we constantly pour it out of ourselves and into others. Over all a very powerful message. 

The evening service was an emotional roller coaster for me. I have said before that I know God is working in my life and has a plan for me, but in order to get there I had to get stronger. Apparently God wanted to really drive that idea home for me today. The main topic was having faith to dream and follow through on the plans God has for us. 

Throughout the Bible God talks to the faithful in the form of dreams. Noah, Abraham and Joseph all learned about the plan God had for them in dreams. For the past few months God has begun to place things in my heart. I honestly can’t tell you where I am being lead, but I know a plan has been set in motion. Now it is up to me to continue to be steadfast and courageous. 

The speaker closed the message with an altar call for those who have a dream that has been laid on their hearts. I went up. I have a dream, but unfortunately it is too raw for me to put into words. In Gods time he will show me where he needs me, and will get me through each struggle along the way. 

I cried a lot today. Sometimes it is simply too hard to hold in all the emotions and it becomes overwhelming. But I am resilient, strong and courageous and with God on my side, unstoppable. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Why.

It seems impossible to hold myself together today. It has been such a long time since I felt so helpless. Somehow I managed to hold back the tears for most of the afternoon, but as soon as I got to my car I let them come. I do my best to block out the pain and to hold back the negative emotions, to only see the potential that the future holds, but some days it is simply too much.

Why does it all still hurt so badly? I try to convince myself that every day it gets easier, but lately things that were easy before seem impossible now. Hopefully tomorrow really will be easier, and I really will be stronger. I wish I had more answers, a way to put myself in a better frame of mind but there is no genie in a bottle or star to wish on that holds my answers. It has been a very stressful, exhausting few weeks, I am hoping that is the root of my issue. Maybe once I am back on track I will be able to manage my pain better and feel like I am moving forward again.

I am very thankful for the little ways that I found support today. There was a post on Instagram that picked up my spirits when I was barely holding it together. An unexpected compliment that my short hair looks better on me than long. The perfect song on the radio at the perfect time, and a lost file that was found. It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives and always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

To heal correctly.

I thought I was done crying. There were a few days, maybe almost a week that I didn’t shed a tear, but then they started again. Sometimes I wonder why it still hurts so much, but then I remember that things fall faster than the are built. No matter how strong you are it takes time to refit the crumbled pieces back together again. I am trying to remember that speed is a non-factor, the goal is strength and to heal correctly takes time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Empty moments.

I thought the end of the day would be so much easier by now. It is better than it was, but I am still fighting each empty moment. As much as I want time to fly by so I can say I have survived one more day, that is how much I want everything to stop so I can regain a foot hold. Sometimes it still feels like I am hanging on by my finger tips praying not to fall.

The days and weeks are going faster than I could imagine. At the same time it feels like the world is moving forward, but I am not. Facing another tomorrow is not as terrifying as it once was, I know I can make it through and handle whatever comes my way. Right now the heart ache is easier and the tears come slowly. I can not wait for the day that my heart is open and I have no need to cry.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

When I write.

Somedays the words flow easily, other times my head is so full of things it can’t settle on a single idea. Today is a little bit of a floaty day, I have been sick which always makes cohesive thoughts difficult and writing a little bit fuzzy.

At the beginning of this unfortunate adventure I was writing, or at least outlining two or three posts a day. There was so much pain coming from so many places the words flowed without stopping. Now the pain feels targeted and inconsistent. Most of the time I prefer to look past the hurt and focus on other things. However, this does not always work.

Once I sit down to write and the words start to come they don’t always make sense. Sometimes I am not sure what the point will end up being. I end up writing and re-writing until something makes sense. Honestly, I am not sure the point really matters. After all, the last 50+ posts have not been to change the world. The goal has been to help me heal and process my feelings.

This is simply a place that I can be honest with myself and share my journey with those who care. I hope someday this can become a happy place full of wonderful thoughts and no pain. At the moment this is where I bottle up all my hurt so I can smile and hold in tears the rest of the time. When I write, there are always tears.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I never knew.

You never know how strong you are until you face what feels impossible. Fortunately, this goes for good things and bad. I never knew I could run a 5k, until I did. Each time I put on my sneakers and walk out the door I remember that I will be stronger at the end of this run and the next one will be easier.

Everyday I take this lesson to heart. Everyday I hope I am stronger than the day before. I can cry a little less and handle the pain with more courage. The first few hours after the end of what I thought was forever, I was terrified I would never smile again. How could I face my family and friends? How would I ever move on?

It amazes me how quickly I overcame each immediate fear. That day I smiled and laughed. I chased kids, built castles and had fun. I was embraced by family and friends. I found comfort and strength in so many things that day. Much to my surprise, I found strength in me.

Each day I can feel my confidence growing. I hold my head a little higher and step out of my door ready to seize the day. I never knew I could be so strong until I had to be and now I know I can face anything that comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.