The perfect recipe.

There are different types of tears and I think I have experienced them all. The kind I hate most are the ones that sneak up on you and refuse to be held back. They leave you crippled for a short time unable to move. For me, the tears may linger, but the worst of it passes quickly. My heart aches as the tears flow, like pain from picking at a scab not quite healed.

Any more these tears are rare, but a combination of many little things this week has added up to an unfortunate bout of them. A song a co-worker played, watching someone else begin the struggle of recovery after loss, a much anticipated (and talked about) royal wedding, combined with my own emotions and stress was the perfect recipe. All week I did everything I could to say strong, but today I let enough of my guard down and it all impact me at once.

Every time I think I am stronger than my past I am reminded that the road I walk is long. When the tears come I remind myself that these are tears that I will never have to cry again. There will be more in the future, but these ones have passed.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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On edge.

My cats are not happy. Three neighborhood strays dared to come up on the porch and my girls saw them through the screen door. There was hissing then some brave hiding under the bed while I chased them away. Now my cats are having their own versions of breakdowns. One has, what I like to call, worried eyes and with good reason, is walking around on eggshells. The good reason is the other cat, who has decided that anything that moves must be out to get her. She is hissing and growling at both of us. Nothing like a little world war cat to make for an interesting evening. I have every expectation that tomorrow things will be back to normal, but for right now we are living on the edge waiting for it to pass.

Whenever something bizarre like this happens it makes me evaluate my emotions. They are much more balanced, but there are still so many answers I wish I had. I think there are more battles going on inside of me then I am willing to admit even to myself. Sometimes I catch myself crying and have no clue what brought it on. Too bad the option of hiding under my bed hissing at everything that moves is not available to me, there would be a lot of days I would take it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sticks and stones.

Sometimes my mind still wanders down a path that leads to that dreaded week last February and I end up dwelling on moments I would rather forget. Conversations run through my head and I am sad to say even after all this time the hurt is overwhelming. The feelings of betrayal and abandonment come back to me, it is times like this the tears come with an unstoppable force.

Words can carry so much more weight than we often give them credit for. Unfortunately, we all use them carelessly at times. Sometimes they cut through us like a hot knife through butter, other times like a dull saw hacking us to bits. Even words that were the sweetest in the moment can sting later on when the truth is revealed.

I guess I should be thankful that these days like this are fewer and fewer as time goes by. With each wave of emotion I know I am working out the hurt that I buried deep inside of me. Hopefully in time these stinging tears will be no more, maybe some day I will never relive that week again.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One year later.

This morning I woke up with an odd feeling in my chest. Not exactly an ache, it was more like I was unable to catch my breath. Even now after the whole day has gone by the feeling has not fully disappeared. This process so far has been long and difficult and I know I am not close to being done dealing with the residual effects. Every step I have taken since this day last year has brought me so far from where I started. I am so thankful for each person who has been a positive force during that time. Each prayer and gesture has meant more to me than I can express.

Over the past few days I have cried more consistently than I have in months, but at every tear I was so supported. I am beyond thankful for all of my family, but in particular my cousin and her family. Her five kids kept me laughing and running around so much I hardly had time to think. There were a few times that her husband did some extra running around and put the kids to bed alone so I could have some extra time with my cousin. The past few evenings we have had some chats that went far too late and I am grateful that she took the time with me when I am sure she would have rather been in bed. Some people might think they have amazing families, but I have proof that for me it is true.

One year ago tonight I cried myself to sleep and had no clue what I was going to wake up to the next morning. Tonight I might go to bed with tears in my eyes, but with a heart full of hope and memories of a wonderful weekend.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The journey.

Never did I expect to make it through this weekend without tears, but I had hoped to make it a little farther into it before they started. I am not really scared to cry, but it is not my favorite thing do. From the beginning I have felt it is important to let my emotions out when I can, bottling them up does nothing to help me as I heal. I am sure the last of my tears have not been shed, but in time I hold hope that the sting they hold will lessen. Strength does not need to come with a hard shell, what it needs is faith that moves mountains.

This space filled with words has become my outlet to hold many of my emotions and process thoughts. I am glad I have documented my journey because it is so encouraging to see how far I have come. In some ways the time has moved slowly. There were days I felt like I held my breath all day to stop myself from crying. Other days I felt strong, but still very broken. My story feels more like something you would see as the plot of a movie or tv show and I have to remind myself that it really did happen. Each time I tell someone about it the disbelief is only halted by the look in my eyes that shows the reality.

This weekend will be good for me. There is nothing like being surrounded by family (including 5 crazy kids) to make the toughest situation alright. If I need to talk they will listen, if I need to cry there is nothing stopping me and with so many people around I am never alone.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Then and now.

More and more I am having flashes to what it was like a year ago and it feels like I am watching a movie that is based on real events that you know will end in tragedy. Yet you keep watching anyway hoping for a different ending. I know that day was not the end of my story. Since then I have grown in so many ways and have an incredibly long list of things and people to be grateful for. There are adventures yet to be had and a happily ever after waiting out there for me. I am doing my best to stand tall, but I am sad to say I can feel my resolve to get through this next week with few tears crumbling.

Last year is in the past. The lessons I learned from it will only make me wiser and stronger. This coming week might not be the end of emotional battle, but I do think that it is a type of ending. A part of this journey is coming full circle and I will be grateful to get to the other side.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Circles.

I wish I could stop going around in circles. My thoughts keep going in and out and in directions I never knew possible. Looping around the past and present with confusing emotions mixed in with a few tears. It has been far too long since I have felt this mixed up inside. I am hoping it is just a small wave and not the beginning of a very long emotional roller coaster of a month.

No matter what, this struggle is temporary. I am stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. There is no way I will let this bring me down.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.