Why is pointless.

Wondering why is pointless. The why is not the important part, what matters is how you make it through. Often I remind myself that this is only a season of my life, better things are coming. I am not sure of the truth in that statement, but I have faith that it is true. One day in the future maybe I will have an understanding of why, and maybe I will never have a clue. Either way the result will be the same, I will make it to the other side stronger, wiser and better.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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War.

Just because you know what side will win the war does not mean you can avoid the battles. There have been many times that I know what the outcome will be, but I have to go through the tears and pain to get to the other side. I knew eventually I would stop crying myself to sleep and the gaping hole in my chest would start to close. In time each battle was won and each win made me stronger.

My constant prayer has been for me to gain strength and courage. To be able to handle the internal pressures and pain with grace, and put on a strong outward appearance. For the most part I have succeeded, with a few exceptions. Sometimes emotions are not meant to be held in.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for so many reasons and it has left me exhausted and drained. There are multiple people in my life that are hurting and the worst part about it is that there is nothing I can do. There are no words I can say to make everything better, no gift I can give to make up for the pain. I feel so helpless, and I hate it.

What I can do is offer up prayers. This week I feel like I have truly been praying without ceasing. I know this war will be won, and battle after battle prayer will carry us all through with strength and courage we did not know we possessed.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes the biggest leaps are made when we have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Although my situation is not as uncommon as I once thought, it is still not something that most people have experienced. Beyond that, each situation is vastly different, yet somehow shockingly the same. Each person who has been through an extreme break up can relate to one another because we have all felt our hearts being ripped from our chests and are at varying stages of repair.

I have said time and time again how fortunate I have been to have people in my life that have experienced something comparable to what I am recovering from. It still amazes me each time someone reaches out to share their stories, because I know they are opening up about a time in their life that they would rather not talk about. Whether a nasty divorce, a broken engagement, or being left at the altar the pain is unimaginable.

This week I hung out with a friend I have known for what seems like forever and his fiancé. At the end of the evening my friend and I talked about the pain of a loss few can understand. He went through a horrible divorce and understands the pain I feel. He told me about some of his worse days, and how the little positive things ended up being so huge in retrospect leading him down the path that lead to his now amazing fiancé.

For me everything still feels so close that I could not say what my worse day was, but one of the most difficult days was when I was teaching a swim lesson and had to watch my ex-fiancé swim in the next lane. Typically I hate crying in front of people. I want to be strong enough to handle everything, but the truth is most of the time I do not feel so strong. I am not exactly sure when the tears started flowing, but with someone who understood right there I let them all come out.

It is nice to have a friend to talk to that truly understands and can put into words emotions that I am still trying to figure out. I have faith that my worse days are behind me, but I know there are still many difficult days to come. The good thing is I know there is always someone I can talk, and seeing their strength makes me hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Something wonderful.

Today I had in-service for my lifeguarding position at the Y. There were so many new faces we were asked to go around the room and say our name and something wonderful that recently happened in our lives. I can honestly say I was not sure how to answer that question. One of the lifeguards was just crowned homecoming queen, another backpacked through Europe over the summer and a few are having great sports season. For me I still feel it is a great accomplishment to make it through a day without crying. Somehow, I didn’t think that was they type of answer they were looking for. Even beyond that, it was not the answer I wanted to give because for many of them it would require an explanation I did not feel like saying.

Sometimes. I am frustrated that I am still celebrating small victories. I know every day I am getting better and stronger, but sometimes it feels like time moves too slowly or not at all. I guess I need to remember that even small victories are worth recognizing because they all add up to a much greater whole.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Treading water.

Why exactly do people call it moving on. I feel like all I am doing is treading water. Some days are good and I am not struggling to breath, but other times it all too much to handle. Some days the water is so rough it takes all I can to not be swept under. Other times I am the one making it difficult to stay up. It is like I am testing my own limits and getting a little stronger and more confidant with each struggle.

I am sure in time the water will feel smooth and I will be willing to take a great leap of faith and move forward, until then I will continue this strand dance I am in with the water. Who knows, maybe someday someone will tell me to put my feet down, I’ll touch the ground and feel like a fool for struggling for nothing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The “what if” game.

Busy days are the best. Today I was in the middle of multiple projects that kept me on the go all day. I was thankful to be busy, because this morning my mind was racing in so many not so positive directions. Sometimes I still get caught up in the “what if” game. What if I had only said this, or done that or been better at another thing. I always come to the same conclusion, that “what ifs” don’t matter because what happened is where I am and I would not change it even if I could.

The past months I have changed so much for the better. I am stronger, more confident and able to take on the world. Things I was too sacred to do before are becoming leaps of faith that I am taking with less hesitation. Please, understand, I am still plenty scared, but my fear tolerance has changed and now I welcome challenges in a whole new way.

How I had to get to this place in my life was not so fun, but now that I am here and am on this journey I plan to take full advantage of every benefit.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.