What if…

Lately the “what if” game is playing strongly thought my head. What if I never get married? What if I never have kids? What if this and what if that. I find the things that terrified me in my early 20’s no longer seem so scary. Maybe the white picket fence and two and a half kids is not what my future holds, but that does not mean I think I would be lacking anything.

Everything that happened to me gave me a unique opportunity to look at my life from a new perspective. I think I am finally getting to a place that I can the bigger picture. The lines are still blurry and I can honestly say I still have no clue where this path leads, but that is getting less and less scary. I have learned a lesson and continue to grow stronger from it. I am sure that my life will be filled with countless “what if” questions, and maybe someday I will get answers to a few of them. Until then I will continue wondering, growing and moving forward.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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All good things.

My feet are that achey sore from slowly getting back into shape. The way I am feeling right now makes me very worried about my first serious hike, but at the same time I miss this worn out feeling knowing that tomorrow I will be stronger. All good things take time and the effort is worth it in the end. I hope this is the first of countless summer days that end after many miles and sore feet.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The little girl.

There are many reason I choose to travel to visit family this weekend. I knew it would be a difficult, emotional weekend and it would be best to get away, but I also knew that a fancy vacation would not be enough. Being surrounded by family means I have all the support I need no matter how I am feeling. I can cry, laugh and talk it out no matter when the emotions hit. I am lucky to be so loved.

I could go on and on about why I choose to come to where I am, but the truth is most of it can be boiled down to one little girl. She is so special and full of life. On that day I honestly think she is the only one that could have gotten me to eat. I have many blanks from that day, but I remember her smiling face as she took my hand and filled my plate with fruit and a few other things as I stood there numb. She sat next to me and as we ate she chattering away at a steady pace. Through the rest of the day I remember her checking in on me and keeping an eye on what I was doing. Who would have thought that a five year old would be my gardian angel that day.

Today we went on an adventure just the two of us and it was so much fun! Right now I am not sure she understands how amazing she was that day. At some point in the future I hope we can sit down and discuss the many ways she and the rest of my family and friends helped start me on the road to recovery. Until then, I hope we can continue to make memories and enjoy each moment we spend together.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Driving.

Driving long distances can have a therapeutic effect. Watching the trees and buildings go by, finding the next radio station when the last one gets too fuzzy and best of all pretending you are in the millenium falcon flying at light speed as the snow is falling. It is also a time to think and reflect, to remember all the things you are thankful for and to look forward to the adventures your time away holds.

This February will be nothing like the last one.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Not ready.

There are somethings that you wait for in excited anticipation, like a vacation or special event. You count down the days and hours until you get to fly off into the sunset. No matter how you look at it time never moves fast enough, then suddenly the day arrives and you are sitting there in shock you finally made. Right now, for me is not one of those times. If there were a way to pause everything, I think today I would have figured out how. February 11, is coming up far too quickly and I am not sure I am ready.

How do you prepare for a landmark you have been dreading since the day it happened? For the past 361 days that is exactly what I have been trying to do. Now I am days away and I am scared. Not because I feel incapable of facing it, although I am not looking forward to it, but because I am not sure what comes next. I know I am stronger and wiser. The future I am working toward is truly amazing, but it is unknown. All I can do is take each wave of emotion as it comes and do my best to continue to grow and hopefully someday the unknown will no longer be scary.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Then and now.

More and more I am having flashes to what it was like a year ago and it feels like I am watching a movie that is based on real events that you know will end in tragedy. Yet you keep watching anyway hoping for a different ending. I know that day was not the end of my story. Since then I have grown in so many ways and have an incredibly long list of things and people to be grateful for. There are adventures yet to be had and a happily ever after waiting out there for me. I am doing my best to stand tall, but I am sad to say I can feel my resolve to get through this next week with few tears crumbling.

Last year is in the past. The lessons I learned from it will only make me wiser and stronger. This coming week might not be the end of emotional battle, but I do think that it is a type of ending. A part of this journey is coming full circle and I will be grateful to get to the other side.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Circles.

I wish I could stop going around in circles. My thoughts keep going in and out and in directions I never knew possible. Looping around the past and present with confusing emotions mixed in with a few tears. It has been far too long since I have felt this mixed up inside. I am hoping it is just a small wave and not the beginning of a very long emotional roller coaster of a month.

No matter what, this struggle is temporary. I am stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. There is no way I will let this bring me down.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.