The little girl.

There are many reason I choose to travel to visit family this weekend. I knew it would be a difficult, emotional weekend and it would be best to get away, but I also knew that a fancy vacation would not be enough. Being surrounded by family means I have all the support I need no matter how I am feeling. I can cry, laugh and talk it out no matter when the emotions hit. I am lucky to be so loved.

I could go on and on about why I choose to come to where I am, but the truth is most of it can be boiled down to one little girl. She is so special and full of life. On that day I honestly think she is the only one that could have gotten me to eat. I have many blanks from that day, but I remember her smiling face as she took my hand and filled my plate with fruit and a few other things as I stood there numb. She sat next to me and as we ate she chattering away at a steady pace. Through the rest of the day I remember her checking in on me and keeping an eye on what I was doing. Who would have thought that a five year old would be my gardian angel that day.

Today we went on an adventure just the two of us and it was so much fun! Right now I am not sure she understands how amazing she was that day. At some point in the future I hope we can sit down and discuss the many ways she and the rest of my family and friends helped start me on the road to recovery. Until then, I hope we can continue to make memories and enjoy each moment we spend together.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.



Driving long distances can have a therapeutic effect. Watching the trees and buildings go by, finding the next radio station when the last one gets too fuzzy and best of all pretending you are in the millenium falcon flying at light speed as the snow is falling. It is also a time to think and reflect, to remember all the things you are thankful for and to look forward to the adventures your time away holds.

This February will be nothing like the last one.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Not ready.

There are somethings that you wait for in excited anticipation, like a vacation or special event. You count down the days and hours until you get to fly off into the sunset. No matter how you look at it time never moves fast enough, then suddenly the day arrives and you are sitting there in shock you finally made. Right now, for me is not one of those times. If there were a way to pause everything, I think today I would have figured out how. February 11, is coming up far too quickly and I am not sure I am ready.

How do you prepare for a landmark you have been dreading since the day it happened? For the past 361 days that is exactly what I have been trying to do. Now I am days away and I am scared. Not because I feel incapable of facing it, although I am not looking forward to it, but because I am not sure what comes next. I know I am stronger and wiser. The future I am working toward is truly amazing, but it is unknown. All I can do is take each wave of emotion as it comes and do my best to continue to grow and hopefully someday the unknown will no longer be scary.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Then and now.

More and more I am having flashes to what it was like a year ago and it feels like I am watching a movie that is based on real events that you know will end in tragedy. Yet you keep watching anyway hoping for a different ending. I know that day was not the end of my story. Since then I have grown in so many ways and have an incredibly long list of things and people to be grateful for. There are adventures yet to be had and a happily ever after waiting out there for me. I am doing my best to stand tall, but I am sad to say I can feel my resolve to get through this next week with few tears crumbling.

Last year is in the past. The lessons I learned from it will only make me wiser and stronger. This coming week might not be the end of emotional battle, but I do think that it is a type of ending. A part of this journey is coming full circle and I will be grateful to get to the other side.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


I wish I could stop going around in circles. My thoughts keep going in and out and in directions I never knew possible. Looping around the past and present with confusing emotions mixed in with a few tears. It has been far too long since I have felt this mixed up inside. I am hoping it is just a small wave and not the beginning of a very long emotional roller coaster of a month.

No matter what, this struggle is temporary. I am stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. There is no way I will let this bring me down.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


We are now 15 days into the new year and I am batting around 50/50 on my goals. It takes time change things and re-create habits, but I know if I stick to them eventually they will take hold. I have been reading more, spending time with friends, and have attempted to be more outgoing. Parts of me wish that time could stand still for a little bit while I find a way to catch up. Another part I wishes there was a way to zoom forward to warm days in the sun.

There are some things that I truly wish I could skip past, but I know I must face them head on. So many of my goals for the year were built-in preparation for an upcoming day that I am becoming increasingly worried about. Too often I am thinking of what this time last year was like, the anticipation and excitement a world of opportunity that I will never know. The ache that was created that horrible day has long since past, but it still left a mark on me that I worry no one will ever see past.

The only thing I can do is to work each day on maintaining my goals and continuing to get stronger. There will still be good days and bad days, time with friends and family and time alone. I will continue to read and write and hopefully one day not even I will begin to see the mark left on me fade.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Never truly defeated

As we are in the final sprint of 2017, it is nice to be reminded of what amazing people I have in my life. The plan for today was simple. Hang out with friends and go see Jumanji. We have been looking forward to watching it since we first saw the trailer months ago. What was unexpected was for the movie to be sold out at our original location thereby changing the plans for after the movie. Like with all things the plan change worked out fine, we found another theater that was close to see it and laughed the whole way through. It is by far one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

Each wonderful memory, like tonight, I have saved up in my mind to remind me that we are never truly defeated. Although much of this year for me has been fighting back negativity and frustration, equal parts were full of uplifting moments full of surprises. In February all I wanted was to some how make it through this year and feel a little bit stronger. It amazes me how much more this year has become and excites me for what 2018 might be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.