Weakness.

I have been writing an awful lot about friends lately. I like it. The people who are in my life right now are fantastic. To me, they are the definition of a kindred spirits. Historically my friendships come in waves. Often it feels like feast or famine, but currently I have reached a middle ground. I guess this is what happens when you allow others to take care of you and see your vulnerability.

For most of my life I have attempted to portray a strength and courage that I did not always posses. I have never liked feeling weak, but one of the many lessons I have learned this year is that weakness is not letting others in, it is trying to do it all on your own. Putting on an outward appearance of strength and hiding away your pain till it eats you from the inside out it true weakness. It is the people around me, my friends who over the past months that have made me truly strong. The ones that have prayed and let me cry and have simply made an effort.

True weakness is not knowing when to get help. True weakness is not helping when someone needs you. I am forever grateful to my friends, both old and new who have been there time and time again and showed me what true strength and courage is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Unrealistic timetables.

Today is a day that I feel like I need to pull some inspirational words out of myself. I need something to remind me that I am stronger than the hurt that still lingers inside of me, that I have grown and changed for the good. A part of me was sure by now I would feel more confidant and healed. Ten months ago Thanksgiving and Christmas felt so far away. Now I find myself days away from Thanksgiving wondering how many more tears I will have to cry.

I know that we often set unrealistic timetables for ourselves. I know that I am capable of coming out of this tunnel so much better than I could imagine and that rushing through to the end helps nothing. Time and healing have to work their way though the process at their own pace. It is an uncontrollable truth.

Over the next month I am looking forward to so many wonderful things and I am attempting to hold on to that anticipation and not the discouragement I feel inside. Time with family and friends will give me a chance to feel encouraged and hopefully push me through this emotional slump I find myself in. Time will continue to go at its own pace, and I will continue to find my strength as I learn patience.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The storm.

I am glad there are not many people I can compare situations with, but sometimes I wish I had a standard to measure my experience to.All I want to do is feel strong and confidant, yet I feel more lost and confused than ever. I wish there was a way to know that the path I am on is tested and sure. That the days are supposed start to get easier, yet somehow feel worse.

What I have learned from a few others is that it is impossible to compare stories side by side. Everyone has a different circumstance, everyone has their own situation. I just wish someone could tell me when the pain will stop. I want to sleep and feel rested. I want to stop feeling alone. I am so very tired of worrying about things I thought I would never have to worry about again. I know it will be alright, that eventually this storm I am living in will pass, I just wish I knew when.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes the biggest leaps are made when we have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Although my situation is not as uncommon as I once thought, it is still not something that most people have experienced. Beyond that, each situation is vastly different, yet somehow shockingly the same. Each person who has been through an extreme break up can relate to one another because we have all felt our hearts being ripped from our chests and are at varying stages of repair.

I have said time and time again how fortunate I have been to have people in my life that have experienced something comparable to what I am recovering from. It still amazes me each time someone reaches out to share their stories, because I know they are opening up about a time in their life that they would rather not talk about. Whether a nasty divorce, a broken engagement, or being left at the altar the pain is unimaginable.

This week I hung out with a friend I have known for what seems like forever and his fiancé. At the end of the evening my friend and I talked about the pain of a loss few can understand. He went through a horrible divorce and understands the pain I feel. He told me about some of his worse days, and how the little positive things ended up being so huge in retrospect leading him down the path that lead to his now amazing fiancé.

For me everything still feels so close that I could not say what my worse day was, but one of the most difficult days was when I was teaching a swim lesson and had to watch my ex-fiancé swim in the next lane. Typically I hate crying in front of people. I want to be strong enough to handle everything, but the truth is most of the time I do not feel so strong. I am not exactly sure when the tears started flowing, but with someone who understood right there I let them all come out.

It is nice to have a friend to talk to that truly understands and can put into words emotions that I am still trying to figure out. I have faith that my worse days are behind me, but I know there are still many difficult days to come. The good thing is I know there is always someone I can talk, and seeing their strength makes me hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

My best each day.

I am sure from most perspectives my posts seem like just another heartbroken girl attempting to make sense of a break up. I guess you are not completely wrong, but to me I am not so much trying to make sense of the break up but to find a way through to the other side. With each passing day and each post I write I am trying to re-introduce myself to me. I know I will never have all the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from doing my best each day to make it better than the last. What the future holds is unknown to me, but I know that I can handle anything that comes my way with more strength and confidence than ever before.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unpredictable.

A neighborhood cat has decided my porch is the place to be and it has turned my apartment into a very strange battle ground. Neither of my cats are acting like themselves. The one that is usually dominate and fearless is hiding and hissing at almost anything that comes close. On the other hand the timid shy cat that hides under the bed when there is a loud noise is being outgoing and enjoying extra cuddles.

Honestly, I should not be surprised that my cats are not acting as expected about the situation. After all from my experience some people in stressful situations can be very unpredictable. I have even been surprised how I have handled the unspeakable situations I have dealt with over the past months, not to mention little moments that pop in and out at will.

Hopefully the neighborhood cat will find a new favorite spot soon and my two will be back to normal. I have been hoping and praying for the same thing for me and slowly I am feeling more and more confidant. I know that God is useing this time in my life to make me a better person able to help others in ways I never could have before. I am not so sure thankful is the word to use, but I am grateful that in time something wonderful will come out of all the pain.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Friday. 

The past few weeks have been busy, and my temper has gotten short. But today I did not have to deal with any of it. Sometimes it is important to have a few days off from your normal routine to give you a chance to breath. Instead of work, I hiked. It was a park I had never been to with beautiful views I had never seen.

The day was a perfect way to hit reset on my temper so I can be ready for whatever comes my way. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.