A shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes the biggest leaps are made when we have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Although my situation is not as uncommon as I once thought, it is still not something that most people have experienced. Beyond that, each situation is vastly different, yet somehow shockingly the same. Each person who has been through an extreme break up can relate to one another because we have all felt our hearts being ripped from our chests and are at varying stages of repair.

I have said time and time again how fortunate I have been to have people in my life that have experienced something comparable to what I am recovering from. It still amazes me each time someone reaches out to share their stories, because I know they are opening up about a time in their life that they would rather not talk about. Whether a nasty divorce, a broken engagement, or being left at the altar the pain is unimaginable.

This week I hung out with a friend I have known for what seems like forever and his fiancé. At the end of the evening my friend and I talked about the pain of a loss few can understand. He went through a horrible divorce and understands the pain I feel. He told me about some of his worse days, and how the little positive things ended up being so huge in retrospect leading him down the path that lead to his now amazing fiancé.

For me everything still feels so close that I could not say what my worse day was, but one of the most difficult days was when I was teaching a swim lesson and had to watch my ex-fiancé swim in the next lane. Typically I hate crying in front of people. I want to be strong enough to handle everything, but the truth is most of the time I do not feel so strong. I am not exactly sure when the tears started flowing, but with someone who understood right there I let them all come out.

It is nice to have a friend to talk to that truly understands and can put into words emotions that I am still trying to figure out. I have faith that my worse days are behind me, but I know there are still many difficult days to come. The good thing is I know there is always someone I can talk, and seeing their strength makes me hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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My best each day.

I am sure from most perspectives my posts seem like just another heartbroken girl attempting to make sense of a break up. I guess you are not completely wrong, but to me I am not so much trying to make sense of the break up but to find a way through to the other side. With each passing day and each post I write I am trying to re-introduce myself to me. I know I will never have all the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from doing my best each day to make it better than the last. What the future holds is unknown to me, but I know that I can handle anything that comes my way with more strength and confidence than ever before.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unpredictable.

A neighborhood cat has decided my porch is the place to be and it has turned my apartment into a very strange battle ground. Neither of my cats are acting like themselves. The one that is usually dominate and fearless is hiding and hissing at almost anything that comes close. On the other hand the timid shy cat that hides under the bed when there is a loud noise is being outgoing and enjoying extra cuddles.

Honestly, I should not be surprised that my cats are not acting as expected about the situation. After all from my experience some people in stressful situations can be very unpredictable. I have even been surprised how I have handled the unspeakable situations I have dealt with over the past months, not to mention little moments that pop in and out at will.

Hopefully the neighborhood cat will find a new favorite spot soon and my two will be back to normal. I have been hoping and praying for the same thing for me and slowly I am feeling more and more confidant. I know that God is useing this time in my life to make me a better person able to help others in ways I never could have before. I am not so sure thankful is the word to use, but I am grateful that in time something wonderful will come out of all the pain.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Friday. 

The past few weeks have been busy, and my temper has gotten short. But today I did not have to deal with any of it. Sometimes it is important to have a few days off from your normal routine to give you a chance to breath. Instead of work, I hiked. It was a park I had never been to with beautiful views I had never seen.

The day was a perfect way to hit reset on my temper so I can be ready for whatever comes my way. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The “what if” game.

Busy days are the best. Today I was in the middle of multiple projects that kept me on the go all day. I was thankful to be busy, because this morning my mind was racing in so many not so positive directions. Sometimes I still get caught up in the “what if” game. What if I had only said this, or done that or been better at another thing. I always come to the same conclusion, that “what ifs” don’t matter because what happened is where I am and I would not change it even if I could.

The past months I have changed so much for the better. I am stronger, more confident and able to take on the world. Things I was too sacred to do before are becoming leaps of faith that I am taking with less hesitation. Please, understand, I am still plenty scared, but my fear tolerance has changed and now I welcome challenges in a whole new way.

How I had to get to this place in my life was not so fun, but now that I am here and am on this journey I plan to take full advantage of every benefit.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Buying new shoes is scary. 

I tried on so many shoes today.  It was horrible, but worth it. We went to the outlet mall close to where my brother lives and every shoe store was ridiculously busy. My dad and I were dodging and weaving as we grabbed shoes from the racks. I have no clue how many shoes I looked at but I walked away with three pairs. Two for running and one for work. 

Although I have walked so much this weekend and went for a decent run yesterday, I still had to test out a pair of my new shoes. It was just a short run, but I was excited I finished with minimal foot pain. After my last new running shoe fiasco it was great to finish and have my feet feel great. Time will tell, but I see some long runs in my new shoes in the near future!

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Forth floor walk up. 

Today my family spent the day moving my brother and sister-in-law into their new fancy apartment. Thankfully there were movers to do the heavy lifting, but that does not mean we didn’t work hard. The new apartment is on the 4th and 5th floor of a dorm, although there is an elevator we mostly took the stairs. Up and down we went a few times through the day. 
At the end of the move, a little bit of shopping and dinner I decided I wanted to go for a short run. I was thinking a mile and a half or so, well, I ended up doing an even 3 miles. That three mile run may have been a bit much for today, but really I’ve been taking it far too easy so maybe it was just what I needed. 

Boy will I sleep well tonight… and most likely wake up very sore. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Opened doors.

Whenever I thought about being a teacher someday I always figured it would have something to do with art. So I have been pleasantly surprised with how much I am enjoying teaching Red Cross classes. It is so rewarding to pass on lifesaving skills to others. Over the past few months I have taught 3 lifeguard classes totaling about 40 students and today, a CPR class for 6 future nursing students.

img_0616If the wedding had gone as planned I don’t think I ever would have pursued getting my Lifeguard Instructor Certification and none of this would have been possible. I really count it as one of many doors God opened to show me my streingth and give me confidance. I hope I will be able to continue passing on my knowlage and help others achieve their goals for many years to come. As an instructor there is no greater pleasure than seeing your students pass and feel confidant in their skills.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I never knew.

A friend asked me to do a project for her, I am very excited and honored that she asked. Today I started some of the initial gathering of information before I dive in head first. I wrote down some verses that bring comfort, strength and courage. Many of the verses spoke to me, but a few stood out.

Psalm 119:25
I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word

Sometimes I am in disbelief over what this year has turned into. There are some things you only expect to happen in movies, so when it happens to you it takes a while for it to become real. I wish I could understand more about exactly where everything went wrong, but I think to trace it back would be pointless, after all, I would still be where I am. It is amazing how broken down I was compared to how strong and confident I am becoming.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians has played a huge roll in my recovery. I have found much comfort in its words. From day one it has been amazing the blanket of comfort I have received. Even more shocking to me is how I was able to help others so soon after facing my own troubles. God works in mysterious ways and I can not wait to see what he has in store for me next.

Psalm 119: 50
My comfort in my suffering is this: your promises preserves my life.

No where are we promised an easy life, there will be unknown struggles and pain. What we are promised is that God will be by our side no matter what. He will carry us through the hard times and celebrate alongside us in happy ones.

Everyday I am amazed of the small lessons I learn and the wisdom I gain. It is unfortunate that in order to get where I am going I had to lay low in the dust, but am becoming something much more than I ever imagined. Daily I am working to remember that it takes time to bring out the strength He is giving me, but someday I will have a new confidence that I never knew I could have.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.