A crazy day.

The good news is that I made it though another crazy day, The bad news is that crazy will be the normal for the next month or so. Projects are piling on faster than I can finish them, thankfully most of the deadlines are spread out, but there is still so much work to be done. I know taking things one step at a time is all that I can do, but right now even that sounds overwhelming.

Hopefully, everything will fall into place and the things I fear the most will go smoothly. Now I just need to find a way to stop worrying about what might be and handle what is right in front of me. That seems a lot easier than it is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Surprise Laughter

On my way back to work from lunch my mind was wandering and I suddenly started to laugh. It took me a short bit to process what my mind thought was so funny, and it was not what you would expect. Honestly, it was not what I expected. Yet there I was giggling to myself on the same route that used to be filled with tears and a brave front.

It is no secret that the week before my wedding was unconventionally stressful. The day before when my family and friends were helping me set up for the wedding that would never be, I ran into my office quickly. I was obviously distraught and very stressed and off handedly said that I would tell them the whole crazy story in a year or so when it became funny. Well, many parts of it just became funny.

I will not be recounting the story here in any farther detail than I already have in the past, but it is now just over a year and I feel an odd sense of peace. That day was like the start of a really bad romance movie (if anyone wants movie rights please let me know), but it was not the end of anything. It was the beginning of everything. I am stronger, wiser and getting better each day. It is unfortunate that sometimes we need to go through unbelievable pain to find our path, but I hope someday when I get where I am going I can look back and smile about how far I have come.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Dreams.

For the past few weeks I have had strange dreams almost every night. They are not sad or upsetting, just weird to the point that I wake up feeling confused and unrested. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason for this issue, but I am at a loss. Maybe my fear of what February held has brought up past emotions that my dreams are filtering out, or it could be rooted in a few stressful weeks at work and will soon dissipate.

It has never been uncommon for me to have bazaar dreams here and there, but typically they are not set on repeat for weeks at a time. Hopefully the outlook of an easy week ahead and the hope of a new month will mean deeper sleep and enjoyable dreams. Crazier things have happened.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Clean Sheets

There is nothing like that first sleep on clean sheets. If I could I would change the sheets on my bed everyday. I am aware this is a slightly unrealistic concept, but I will be honest, there have been a few times that I have changed my sheets after a stressful day just so I could have one bright spot in my day.

The smell and softness of clean sheets makes me so happy. I do not even mind folding sheets because I think it helps to lock in that clean feeling. In the summer I like to hang my sheets outside so they can dry in the fresh air and sunshine. Somehow the sun changes everything about the way sheets feel.

I am aware that this is a rather odd post. The reality is that this week has been a bit crazy but I changed my sheets today, so all is alright with the world. Sometimes it really is the small things that make all the difference.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Stress.

Stressful weeks tend to bring out memories I would rather forget. Of course this has the negative effect of adding more internal stress to the situation. After the first three days of this week I am already done, the sad thing is that the last two have the potential to be even worse. I know everything will get done, one way or another it always does, what I fear is how difficult it will be.

I wish I could stay home tomorrow, but that is not an option. Hopefully I will get a good nights sleep, wake up ready to attack the day and leave the stress behind me. Someday I am sure the painful memories of past will stop influencing the present with such force, for now I will simply have to learn to separate the reality from the memories and get stuff done.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unpredictable.

A neighborhood cat has decided my porch is the place to be and it has turned my apartment into a very strange battle ground. Neither of my cats are acting like themselves. The one that is usually dominate and fearless is hiding and hissing at almost anything that comes close. On the other hand the timid shy cat that hides under the bed when there is a loud noise is being outgoing and enjoying extra cuddles.

Honestly, I should not be surprised that my cats are not acting as expected about the situation. After all from my experience some people in stressful situations can be very unpredictable. I have even been surprised how I have handled the unspeakable situations I have dealt with over the past months, not to mention little moments that pop in and out at will.

Hopefully the neighborhood cat will find a new favorite spot soon and my two will be back to normal. I have been hoping and praying for the same thing for me and slowly I am feeling more and more confidant. I know that God is useing this time in my life to make me a better person able to help others in ways I never could have before. I am not so sure thankful is the word to use, but I am grateful that in time something wonderful will come out of all the pain.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Nervous butterflies.

Sometimes I think about dating again and I get really scared. I know it is silly, but I a year ago I never thought I would have to go through an awkward first date again. Getting to know each other, not knowing what questions to ask, conversations not going as planned, or maybe not really going at all. It is awful to think about. I guess the good thing is that it is not worth dreading too much since there is no potential first date in the forseeable future. On the other hand it is nice to be in a place that I am thinking a new relationship is even being possible. Six months ago the concept was completely unthinkable to me.

There are some good early relationship things that I look forward to experiencing once again. The nervous butterflies you get every time you think of them. The excitement that comes with each date and getting to know each other is not alway horrible. Sometimes the conversation flows with such ease that before you know it all the first date jitters are gone.

Who knows what the future holds. For right now I will continue becoming the best me that I can be so when someone walks into my life I will be ready to deal with whatever first date comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.