Tired of being tired

If you see a zombie wandering around, it might be me. I have almost reached a month of not enough sleep. I have no problem with the actual sleeping, more an issue of falling asleep. At first I thought it was just a fluke and would pass, now I just want it to go away. The last time I had problems sleeping it was due to an irrational fear of endings. Even as I was dealing with it I knew it was a silly fear, yet no matter what I did it stayed for quite a while. Currently, I am clueless as to what is causing my inability to fall asleep. Whatever it is, can stop any time.

 

Although I can not pinpoint an exact cause, I do have a few theories. Probably my issues stem from a combination of stress and over thinking. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to feel better and stronger I forget that these things take time. I wish I could wiggle my nose and make so many changes, but I know that is impossible. At times I feel spread so thin I am not sure what I should do and I never seem to achieve as much as I would like. All around me I see people moving forward and gaining speed with their lives, and here I sit still so unsure.

I have found that after I write a post about a problem my brain somehow finds a way to reach a state of equilibrium. My fingers are crossed that writing this post will have a similar effect, because let me tell you, I am so tired of being tired.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Race day.

img_2432Last year the Ridgewalk and Run was the first race I ran as an adult. I trained for it and worked hard to prepare myself. My then fiancé and some friends had a great day on the course and spending time with each other. This year I was not well prepared and I now have a growing pile or race bibs to prove it was not my first race. But the weather was beautiful, I still had a friend to race with and joke about our shared goal of reaching the end so we could eat.

It is crazy the difference a year can make. There are times I want to be irrationally angry, jump up and down screaming, but really what good will that do? True, without the past my life would be so very different, but that does not mean better. There are many experiences that I had because I was with him that I know make me better and will hopefully continue to be a positive thread through my life. Although it is difficult to look past all the negativity and hurt, it is always worth it because it gets me one step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

First.

Tonight was movie club night! We watches “Potiche”, and it was amazing. I love being introduced to movies that I have never seen before. This film was a French movie that was based in the late 1970’s. It is about a trophy wife who finds her way off the shelf and into the heart of her community. She proves not only to herself but to her family exactly what she is capable of.

While I was at the theater I took advantage of pre-sale Star Wars tickets! Apparently, I was the first ticket they sold in the first three days they have been available. I think I will take it as a complement, instead of a statement to my insanity. I am excited to have an epic movie day with friends and watch the entire series before the main event of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”. There may be some controversy over what order to watch the series in, but I am sure a compromise will be met.

img_2281When “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” came out two years ago I had a list of people I was buying tickets for. There was a whole group of us that went to the first showing of the movie together, it was a fun evening. This time it was just a single ticket for me, but I am still fortunate to have two friends to go with.

Sometimes, it still hits me how different many things are, yet other things remain the same. I feel so fortunate for the strong friendships I am building and that some of them are as crazy as I am. Afterall, everyone needs a little crazy in their lives.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One less thing.

A slow three day weekend was just what I needed to regain some energy and perspective. I slept in, relaxed and attempted not to worry about anything outside of my control. Over all it was a success and like always I wish there was more time. But the good thing is tomorrow I will wake up to a clean apartment, well rested and ready for the week. Sometimes the best thing is knowing that there is one less thing you will have to worry about tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The type of day I needed.

Everyday is one step closer to healing, yet sometimes I have a difficult time remembering that. The struggles I once had are a thing of the past and new ones have replaced them. Sometimes I skim through my old posts and am amazed at how far I have come. At one time it truly felt impossible to hold the tears in, now most of the time I feel no need to cry.

It has been forever since I have had a day that I did not feel like anything had to get done. Despite that fact I had a relatively productive day. I did a little cleaning and organizing, but most importantly I relaxed. Sometimes my biggest fear is if I relax for too long everything will rush back at me and I will simply sit crying all day. Thankfully today that was not the case, it was the type of day I needed to reset and be ready for the next challenge.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes the biggest leaps are made when we have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Although my situation is not as uncommon as I once thought, it is still not something that most people have experienced. Beyond that, each situation is vastly different, yet somehow shockingly the same. Each person who has been through an extreme break up can relate to one another because we have all felt our hearts being ripped from our chests and are at varying stages of repair.

I have said time and time again how fortunate I have been to have people in my life that have experienced something comparable to what I am recovering from. It still amazes me each time someone reaches out to share their stories, because I know they are opening up about a time in their life that they would rather not talk about. Whether a nasty divorce, a broken engagement, or being left at the altar the pain is unimaginable.

This week I hung out with a friend I have known for what seems like forever and his fiancé. At the end of the evening my friend and I talked about the pain of a loss few can understand. He went through a horrible divorce and understands the pain I feel. He told me about some of his worse days, and how the little positive things ended up being so huge in retrospect leading him down the path that lead to his now amazing fiancé.

For me everything still feels so close that I could not say what my worse day was, but one of the most difficult days was when I was teaching a swim lesson and had to watch my ex-fiancé swim in the next lane. Typically I hate crying in front of people. I want to be strong enough to handle everything, but the truth is most of the time I do not feel so strong. I am not exactly sure when the tears started flowing, but with someone who understood right there I let them all come out.

It is nice to have a friend to talk to that truly understands and can put into words emotions that I am still trying to figure out. I have faith that my worse days are behind me, but I know there are still many difficult days to come. The good thing is I know there is always someone I can talk, and seeing their strength makes me hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Exploding kittens.

This evening I went out of my comfort zone. Usually I am a home body and will come up with any excuse to not go out, but today I was determined to follow through on the plan and hang out with friends. Most of the day I was tired and all I wanted to do was go home, but I refused to let myself be the person that canceled last-minute.

Now, let me explain what I mean by “going out”, it was dinner, a movie and a game at a friend’s house. It was nothing crazy or out there, and I am so glad that I went. One of my friends I have known for a long time, we have so many teenage memories to reminisce about the conversation is never lacking. The other is a new friendship, it is slightly eerie how similar our humor is and I am enjoying the prospect of an amazing friendship. I can see us being a trio creating many memories together in the future.

Dinner was tacos, which was fitting because it is National Taco Day. The movie was “Wonder Woman” and I think we talked more than we watched. The cherry on top of the evening was the game Exploding Kittens. It is a game that is completely backward from almost every other game I have ever played and it was amazing. Most of your strategy is pure luck and somehow I won. Throughout the evening we laughed and had so much fun.

After everything I have been through I find myself valuing people who are willing to spend time with me despite the potential of spontaneous (or not so spontaneous) tears. It is also wonderful to be around people who have a comprehension of what I am going through and can lend a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear.

I am sure that I will forever be a homebody, but it is nice to have wonderful evenings like this to remind me that there is no gain without taking a step outside of your comfort zone. Not to mention taking the chance that the next card might just be an exploding kitten.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time and faith.

There is still a strange ache somewhere inside of me. A lot of the time it creeps up and it goes unnoticed until it feels all-consuming. Today was a day like that, actually the past few weeks have been filled with these days. At the beginning an ache like this would have me crippled feeling hopeless and crying myself to sleep. Now I feel pain but am able to work through it.

Someday I wonder when it will stop, I tell myself over and over again that eventually an end must come. At this point all I have is wishful thinking and encouragement from others who have been down their own painful paths. I am constantly encouraged and grateful for their willingness to share their stories with me. They are examples of how with time and faith a happy ending is possible.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Today.

After all that has happened today in America I feel guilty saying that I had a great day. It never ceases to amaze me how each person’s perception of a day can be so different. True last night I did not sleep very well, but for some reason I was able to function close my normal standard. For me today felt like it went pretty fast and for the most part I was productive.

With all this being said I of course felt for Las Vegas and the many people affected. For the overall country it was another horrible day in history. Honestly, this had been a pretty rough few months for Americans. Between natural disasters and the shooting today there has been a lot of trauma and loss. No part of a tragedy is good, but the way people come together in the aftermath always helps to restore my faith in humanity. Hearing stories of people coming together to help those in need shows me that not all is lost.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Strange.

This has been a strange weekend. I am not really sure why, it simply was. I spent my time how I have most weekends over the past few months. A hike, some shopping, and a bit of relaxing. I did forgo much cleaning which will unfortunately need to be made up during the week, but I think I can handle that. After a weekend like this I am slightly worried about what the week might hold, but I know no matter what I can handle it if I remember to take one thing at a time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.