Light.

Sometimes it feels weird to not cry every day. A part of me got used to having tears be a natural part of my life. I remember days that I would take my lunch at odd times so I could go out to my car and cry. There were months that I was nervous to talk to anyone because I was worried I would break down in front of them. Even looking at my reflection was too much because then I had to face the deadness in my eyes.

Slowly days have gotten better. I can still remember watching the color return to my face and the light come back to my eyes. I no longer felt the need to hide myself. There are so many roads I could have gone down, so many times I could have stopped moving myself forward, but I am far too stubborn for that and have far too many people encouraging me. I know I am still on this road of recovery, but the light seems so much brighter and I will continue running toward it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Weakness.

I have been writing an awful lot about friends lately. I like it. The people who are in my life right now are fantastic. To me, they are the definition of a kindred spirits. Historically my friendships come in waves. Often it feels like feast or famine, but currently I have reached a middle ground. I guess this is what happens when you allow others to take care of you and see your vulnerability.

For most of my life I have attempted to portray a strength and courage that I did not always posses. I have never liked feeling weak, but one of the many lessons I have learned this year is that weakness is not letting others in, it is trying to do it all on your own. Putting on an outward appearance of strength and hiding away your pain till it eats you from the inside out it true weakness. It is the people around me, my friends who over the past months that have made me truly strong. The ones that have prayed and let me cry and have simply made an effort.

True weakness is not knowing when to get help. True weakness is not helping when someone needs you. I am forever grateful to my friends, both old and new who have been there time and time again and showed me what true strength and courage is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Favorite.

There are movies that you have seen many times in the past, but not recently. Honestly, they probably haven’t even crossed your mind in a long time. Then you watch the movie for one reason or another, and you remember what you loved so much. Why for that brief time so many years ago, it was your favorite movie and you promise yourself to never forget it again. True, this is a promise that you will probably never keep. After all there are so many favorite movies yet to be watched, but maybe someday that one movie will circle back around and remind you of the time when it was your favorite.

Sometimes I think people can have a similar quality. So often friends come and go in our lives. Although we can forget about a person or that for a time their impact on us will never truly disappear, for most, this is a wonderful thing. There were childhood friends, and high school team mates, college room mates and past relations, each person leaves an invisible mark on us that we are reminded of now and then. Just like watching a movie that was once our favorite, seeing these people can bring up a flood of emotions that reminds us of our past. Hopefully, like a good movie you watch over and over again, good friends will come into our lives and never leave.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The front door.

Is it strange that I wish there was someone in my life that walked into the front door of my apartment without knocking. Maybe that sounds a little creepy, but to me it means I am not alone. I miss having someone who knows how messy things will be once they open the door, but come in any way. Someone who will help do the dishes and cook dinner. A person to give me a hug at the end of a difficult day and let me cry into their shoulder when it all feels like too much.

I have confidence that someday I will have this and so much more. Good things take time to happen.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Christmas cards.

I spent most of my evening writing Christmas cards. It was difficult to put my graduated to friends and family into words, but I did what I could. This has been such a strange year, one I will never forget, and countless people have help me through. There is no way I would be in the place I am now without the prayers, love and support I have received.

If this year has taught me anything it is that without others we are lost. Beyond that it is important to express thanks for what has been done and be ready to support those who were there for you through your struggle. I know a Christmas card is not much, but happy mail is always a good place to start.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

Someday.

Long ago I lost track of how many days it has been since my life took a strange turn. Yet I still feel like the shadow of it has a never-ending reach and the future is too far away to touch. Sometimes I wish there was a date I could look forward to. Something defined and tangible. Even if it is 1000 days away it would be nice to know that it existed. For the most part I am past simply getting through one day at a time but I still feel a lack of something.

For now I will continue on and maybe someday I will have a happy countdown to look forward to once again. I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

My desk.

Sitting at my desk has become one of my happy places. When I am there it feels like the whole world is at my finger tips and I can create whatever I want. There are dozens of stamps and washi tapes to use, paint brushes and watercolor on hand, notebooks to fill and pen pals to write. The walls above are filled with an assortment of inspiring words and small things to remind me to smile. Usually I end up having a cat on my lap or under foot reminding me that I am loved.

I wish that I could capture the peaceful feeling I have at my desk and carry it around with me always. Over time I think I will become better at finding a calm peace in all place, but for now I am thankful for the few places I have and will take advantage of them every chance I get.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


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