Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

What’s for dinner?

After all these months I still have a hard time decided what is for dinner. There are times I have to really think if a meal was something I liked or one that I made for him. It is strange how a question that should be simple to answer has become complex. Even grocery shopping is difficult, after all, how do you know what to buy when you are not sure what you like any more.

There was a point I had reached a balance with cooking for one, but I currently find myself not knowing what to do. The worst part about the whole meal issue is that I truly love to eat and cook, but lately I have dreaded it all. I know with time the pendulum will swing back and all will be right in the kitchen again. Until then I will take it day by day and maybe discover some new favorites in the meantime.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The original day.

Planning my wedding was an interesting experience. It had many levels of frustrations, one was a wedding date change. My then finance decided that he wanted to move up the wedding by seven months. At the time it was a great idea, we both wanted to begin our adventure together that much sooner, I have never wanted a long engagement anyway. It is so crazy to think of all the extra stress and frustration I put myself through to end up in a place I never thought I would be.

Today was the original date of the wedding. It has been an odd day. My calendar at work has whiteout covering the words “My wedding day”. The words may be hidden, but I still know they are there. Most of today I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn’t moved the wedding date. Would I be celebrating with friends and family right now? Would my future be completely different?

I continue to have so many questions about my failed relationship that I know will never have answers. Honestly, I am not sure I want to have answers, because the only one that can help solve the mysteries is the one person I hope I never see again. Besides, having answers will only create more questions to be answered.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sometimes you have to fall.

Sometimes I still catch myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had gotten married. I am sure that many of the wonderful things that have happened over the past few months would not have been. More importantly I would not be on the path I am on. True, it has not been easy, but a part of me understands that sometimes you have to fall in order to get where you need to go.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Never will be.

I can’t help but wonder what the plan would have been for this upcoming long holiday weekend if the wedding had gone as planned. Would we have gone away? What would our relationship be like at this point? There are so many questions that will never have answers. So many times over the past few months that I have played this question game and every time I tell myself what would have been no longer matters because it never will be.

All that aside, I am so excited for the upcoming weekend. There is only one more day of work to survive and it is a much-needed mini vacation. The current plan has deviated from the original, but that is not always a bad thing. Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone is a very good thing. Overall I am just excited to have a break from the everyday and enjoy a new setting and a different kind of adventure. Lately I feel stuck in a rut, every evening I do almost the exact same thing. For the most part what I am doing is good, but I think it needs a breath of fresh air and this weekend will be amazing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Yet I forge forward.

Sometimes I sit and stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the perfect words will appear. A combination of letters that make everything that has happened and hurt me make sense. I know that a simple phrase is not enough, even a whole library would not even touch all the unanswered questions I have.

The further out I get from that awful day the more I understand that I do not have to have answers. Honestly, for some of my questions what I may find out might hurt more than not knowing. There are still days that all I can think about is the hurt, but more and more are good days that I have hope. I have no clue what path my life will take me down. If I could I would tell you that I was not worried or scared at all. The truth is not knowing is terrifying, yet I forge forward, going back is not an option.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Less and less.

This morning on my way out the door my neighbor asked me how I was doing . I responded as I always do saying I was fine. It was surprising when he said that he could tell, that I was looking better. It is nice to know that I am starting to look more confident and stronger, because that is exactly how I feel.

Less and less I wonder about him. I am starting to think more about what the future could hold for me and less what has been lost. My mind is not as scary a place to disappear in as it once was and my dreams are almost always happy. Time really is a miraculous thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Why.

It seems impossible to hold myself together today. It has been such a long time since I felt so helpless. Somehow I managed to hold back the tears for most of the afternoon, but as soon as I got to my car I let them come. I do my best to block out the pain and to hold back the negative emotions, to only see the potential that the future holds, but some days it is simply too much.

Why does it all still hurt so badly? I try to convince myself that every day it gets easier, but lately things that were easy before seem impossible now. Hopefully tomorrow really will be easier, and I really will be stronger. I wish I had more answers, a way to put myself in a better frame of mind but there is no genie in a bottle or star to wish on that holds my answers. It has been a very stressful, exhausting few weeks, I am hoping that is the root of my issue. Maybe once I am back on track I will be able to manage my pain better and feel like I am moving forward again.

I am very thankful for the little ways that I found support today. There was a post on Instagram that picked up my spirits when I was barely holding it together. An unexpected compliment that my short hair looks better on me than long. The perfect song on the radio at the perfect time, and a lost file that was found. It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives and always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

Useless Information.

It is crazy how much we learn about the person we are in a relationship with. Their likes and dislikes, habits, and an assortment of other odds and ends. After the relationship is over for one reason or another all this gathered information is useless. It is kind of sad when you think about it, when it seemed like there was no end to what you have built together, all the knowledge was priceless.

Knowing what type of movies he liked and his Chinese order was important, now it is something I wish I could forget. At times this information follows me. Last week I got a sub for lunch and it was strange not placing his favorite sub order alongside mine. I scroll through Netflix and see shows that we watched together, or ones he watched alone and there is a twinge of pain. Sometimes I turn a corner and something hits me out of the blue.

I would like to say these pockets of knowledge disappear, but I know from experience that some stick with you for years. It is amazing the impact we have on another person. Sometimes I wonder what shadows I have left on other people. I guess some questions we will never have answers to.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Courage.

I still have not decided if recognizing each month that passes is a good thing or not. Everyday I try to look forward and be better and stronger than yesterday, but on this day each month I feel like I have to look back. I guess without this day I would not be forced to evaluate how much I have changed and grown.

My first month was full of grief, the second I was stronger and the third I feel like I have gained courage. Each of these qualities came as a gradient gradually over days, weeks and months. I am still dealing with the good and bad of each characteristic, but every day it feels easier. I hate the moments that grief takes over, but I know I can handle it. I am thankful for the strength and courage I continue to gain with each passing day.

Although I do spend most of my thoughts on looking back on an anniversary day, but I also look forward. I wonder what another month will bring. Who will come into my life? What new struggle will I face? How will each day feel? I guess there is nothing that can answer those questions but time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.