A spark.

For the past few months I have wondered if I should continue with my daily posts. Is it worth it? Am I helping myself? Am I helping others? I think the answer to the first two questions is yes. Although my post have veered from many recovery topics I feel like they still document an important stage of my life. To the third question the answer is I am not sure I will ever know. I do get positive feedback and I do know my words are reaching others, beyond that the answer is unknown to me.

There are days that I feel like I need to write something inspirational, but of course those are the days that nothing comes. I do not claim to be a great thinker, nor do I wish to be. All I want is to help strike a spark in someone else. I hope somewhere out there a person who reads one of my posts and it helps them to know they can survive whatever their struggle is.

We all have a unique stories that are being written day by day, and we all impact each other more than we know. I think sometimes we forget that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


The last page.


Finishing a book is always bitter-sweet, especially if it is a good book. It is always difficult to leave the characters behind. With each passing page you got to know them and for a time became a part of their world. The closer to the end you get the more worried you are about leaving them behind, but at the same time you want to continue the adventure together and find out how it ends.

For me I never feel like the story is complete. What happened after the happily ever after? How did the characters face their next struggle? Did happily ever after actually live up to its intention? There are so many unanswered questions, but of course the story had to end. Authors do such an amazing job creating these worlds and I am sure that even after the last page is read that the story is meant to live on in each reader.

When you reach the last page for a moment you are heartbroken and wonder how any other book will ever compare, but of course you know this will not be the last literary adventure you will go on. Before long a new book will be in your hand sweeping you off to another place and making you fall in love with new characters. Hopefully it is a vicious cycle with no end.

Now to figure out my next adventure.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


In the three days I spent with my cousins two year old twins I was asked “why?” more times than I can count. It was often exhausting and difficult to come up with answers that their curious little minds would accept, but when you came up with something, and the “why’s” finally stopped you felt accomplished to have won. Sadly, I think I only won 2 times, but they were such sweet successes.

As kids get older they stop asking as many questions. Possibly they are able to answer many without asking, or have been discouraged from being as curious one too many times and gave up wondering. No matter what the reason I think it is sad that at some point we become accustom to what is, instead of questioning what could be.

Over the years I have noticed that I am sometimes the annoying two year old to those around me constantly asking why. Fortunately, I have google to ask when someone around me is tired of questions or has no clue the answer. I was raised to be curious and have a desire to learn. I am thankful every day that my parents instilled and encouraged that constant wonder inside of me.

At one point this past weekend I realized how much I missed being asked “why?” in sweet little two year old voices. Despite the frustration it causes, it is such a wonderful thing to be around people, big or little, who crave answers to questions that can not always be explained. Sometimes it is not the questions that matter, it is the fact that we choose to ask why.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Long from done.

I have been struggling to decide what this blog would become. It has transformed from a place to break down my emotions and find clarity into something related, but different. I no longer face what feels like a never-ending internal battle every moment of the day. Minus pockets of time, I am able to live my life without feeling consumed. Instead, I find I am able to compartmentalize most of my pain into the moments I sit down to write. Tears are much rarer than they once were, but often happen while I open myself up on this platform.

As different as my day-to-day emotions are somethings remain the same. For example, I like to be in control over when and what I share about how I am handling things. I wish I could be more open to unexpected questions, but really all it makes me want to do end the conversation. I am weeks from one year of dealing with the ups and downs, and I find I am happier when I am able to push the negative thoughts into the background.

There is still so much mystery uncover. My story is long from done, but I truly think that there will be more sunshine and less storm clouds coming my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The storm.

I am glad there are not many people I can compare situations with, but sometimes I wish I had a standard to measure my experience to.All I want to do is feel strong and confidant, yet I feel more lost and confused than ever. I wish there was a way to know that the path I am on is tested and sure. That the days are supposed start to get easier, yet somehow feel worse.

What I have learned from a few others is that it is impossible to compare stories side by side. Everyone has a different circumstance, everyone has their own situation. I just wish someone could tell me when the pain will stop. I want to sleep and feel rested. I want to stop feeling alone. I am so very tired of worrying about things I thought I would never have to worry about again. I know it will be alright, that eventually this storm I am living in will pass, I just wish I knew when.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Something wonderful.

Today I had in-service for my lifeguarding position at the Y. There were so many new faces we were asked to go around the room and say our name and something wonderful that recently happened in our lives. I can honestly say I was not sure how to answer that question. One of the lifeguards was just crowned homecoming queen, another backpacked through Europe over the summer and a few are having great sports season. For me I still feel it is a great accomplishment to make it through a day without crying. Somehow, I didn’t think that was they type of answer they were looking for. Even beyond that, it was not the answer I wanted to give because for many of them it would require an explanation I did not feel like saying.

Sometimes. I am frustrated that I am still celebrating small victories. I know every day I am getting better and stronger, but sometimes it feels like time moves too slowly or not at all. I guess I need to remember that even small victories are worth recognizing because they all add up to a much greater whole.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.