Yet I forge forward.

Sometimes I sit and stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the perfect words will appear. A combination of letters that make everything that has happened and hurt me make sense. I know that a simple phrase is not enough, even a whole library would not even touch all the unanswered questions I have.

The further out I get from that awful day the more I understand that I do not have to have answers. Honestly, for some of my questions what I may find out might hurt more than not knowing. There are still days that all I can think about is the hurt, but more and more are good days that I have hope. I have no clue what path my life will take me down. If I could I would tell you that I was not worried or scared at all. The truth is not knowing is terrifying, yet I forge forward, going back is not an option.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Less and less.

This morning on my way out the door my neighbor asked me how I was doing . I responded as I always do saying I was fine. It was surprising when he said that he could tell, that I was looking better. It is nice to know that I am starting to look more confident and stronger, because that is exactly how I feel.

Less and less I wonder about him. I am starting to think more about what the future could hold for me and less what has been lost. My mind is not as scary a place to disappear in as it once was and my dreams are almost always happy. Time really is a miraculous thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Why.

It seems impossible to hold myself together today. It has been such a long time since I felt so helpless. Somehow I managed to hold back the tears for most of the afternoon, but as soon as I got to my car I let them come. I do my best to block out the pain and to hold back the negative emotions, to only see the potential that the future holds, but some days it is simply too much.

Why does it all still hurt so badly? I try to convince myself that every day it gets easier, but lately things that were easy before seem impossible now. Hopefully tomorrow really will be easier, and I really will be stronger. I wish I had more answers, a way to put myself in a better frame of mind but there is no genie in a bottle or star to wish on that holds my answers. It has been a very stressful, exhausting few weeks, I am hoping that is the root of my issue. Maybe once I am back on track I will be able to manage my pain better and feel like I am moving forward again.

I am very thankful for the little ways that I found support today. There was a post on Instagram that picked up my spirits when I was barely holding it together. An unexpected compliment that my short hair looks better on me than long. The perfect song on the radio at the perfect time, and a lost file that was found. It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives and always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

Useless Information.

It is crazy how much we learn about the person we are in a relationship with. Their likes and dislikes, habits, and an assortment of other odds and ends. After the relationship is over for one reason or another all this gathered information is useless. It is kind of sad when you think about it, when it seemed like there was no end to what you have built together, all the knowledge was priceless.

Knowing what type of movies he liked and his Chinese order was important, now it is something I wish I could forget. At times this information follows me. Last week I got a sub for lunch and it was strange not placing his favorite sub order alongside mine. I scroll through Netflix and see shows that we watched together, or ones he watched alone and there is a twinge of pain. Sometimes I turn a corner and something hits me out of the blue.

I would like to say these pockets of knowledge disappear, but I know from experience that some stick with you for years. It is amazing the impact we have on another person. Sometimes I wonder what shadows I have left on other people. I guess some questions we will never have answers to.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Courage.

I still have not decided if recognizing each month that passes is a good thing or not. Everyday I try to look forward and be better and stronger than yesterday, but on this day each month I feel like I have to look back. I guess without this day I would not be forced to evaluate how much I have changed and grown.

My first month was full of grief, the second I was stronger and the third I feel like I have gained courage. Each of these qualities came as a gradient gradually over days, weeks and months. I am still dealing with the good and bad of each characteristic, but every day it feels easier. I hate the moments that grief takes over, but I know I can handle it. I am thankful for the strength and courage I continue to gain with each passing day.

Although I do spend most of my thoughts on looking back on an anniversary day, but I also look forward. I wonder what another month will bring. Who will come into my life? What new struggle will I face? How will each day feel? I guess there is nothing that can answer those questions but time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

With great pain, comes great reward.

I have spent the past few months questioning myself about everything. Wondering where my judgement was lacking and when my blindness set in. I don’t want to think that it was not love, because I think it was, it simply was not true love. Which always leads me to the question of how do you know when it is true?

The farther I get from the fated day somethings are clearer, while others have gotten blurry. This week I caught myself a few times thinking about him and how I loved him. Every once in a while I wish I could find a way to remove the emotions from each memory of him. Then I remember with great pain, comes great reward. I still have a lot of pain to get through before my reward. I doubt I will ever look back on this time of recovery with pleasure, but I hope I can look back on it with pride.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

How are you doing.

Running into people is getting easier. I still cringe worrying what they will say to me in the first few moments. Will they say something cruel and tell me I deserved what I got? Will they lay all the blame on me? My brain races a million miles a minute to prepare myself for what they might say. Thankfully, so far no one has said any of these things to me, at least not to my face.

I greatly dislike being asked how I am doing. Not that I mind answering, I have been pretty open about my recovery to anyone who wants to listen. It is more that it shows that my emotional state is still in question, at some point I hope I no longer feel like everyone is handling me with kid gloves, waiting for me to crack.

It is not the words “how are you doing” that scare me, it is how they are said. On a first encounter people are hesitant. They are not sure they actually want to hear the answer, yet they feel obligated to ask. I wish there was a better phrase to use, but I honestly can’t think of one right now. It took time, but I don’t feel like bursting into tears each conversation. I call that progress. Even better, when I say I doing ok I am not lying like I was two months ago, or maybe at this point I even have myself fooled.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Questions

I wish I had more answers. On any given day there are so many questions floating around my head. Sometimes, I miss having someone to bounce my crazy thoughts and ideas off. I know there are plenty of people around me that are willing to listen and give me their point of view, but it doesn’t feel the same as sharing with that currently nonexistent special someone in my life.

This time alone is important. I know that I am not ready for someone to come waltzing in and sweep me off my feet. At least not quite yet. When the time is right I know it will happen and it will be wonderful. Until then I will continue to ponder my own questions and come up with the best answers I can.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.