Something wonderful.

Today I had in-service for my lifeguarding position at the Y. There were so many new faces we were asked to go around the room and say our name and something wonderful that recently happened in our lives. I can honestly say I was not sure how to answer that question. One of the lifeguards was just crowned homecoming queen, another backpacked through Europe over the summer and a few are having great sports season. For me I still feel it is a great accomplishment to make it through a day without crying. Somehow, I didn’t think that was they type of answer they were looking for. Even beyond that, it was not the answer I wanted to give because for many of them it would require an explanation I did not feel like saying.

Sometimes. I am frustrated that I am still celebrating small victories. I know every day I am getting better and stronger, but sometimes it feels like time moves too slowly or not at all. I guess I need to remember that even small victories are worth recognizing because they all add up to a much greater whole.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Nervous butterflies.

Sometimes I think about dating again and I get really scared. I know it is silly, but I a year ago I never thought I would have to go through an awkward first date again. Getting to know each other, not knowing what questions to ask, conversations not going as planned, or maybe not really going at all. It is awful to think about. I guess the good thing is that it is not worth dreading too much since there is no potential first date in the forseeable future. On the other hand it is nice to be in a place that I am thinking a new relationship is even being possible. Six months ago the concept was completely unthinkable to me.

There are some good early relationship things that I look forward to experiencing once again. The nervous butterflies you get every time you think of them. The excitement that comes with each date and getting to know each other is not alway horrible. Sometimes the conversation flows with such ease that before you know it all the first date jitters are gone.

Who knows what the future holds. For right now I will continue becoming the best me that I can be so when someone walks into my life I will be ready to deal with whatever first date comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Things.

Over the past few days I have thought of many things that I have thought of before. I have gone over conversations and come up with new witty come backs I should have said. In my head I ranted and raved conversations I would have with him today if I could. I know none of it will get me anywhere, but still day after day I catch myself run through these things in my head.

You never expect to have to defend yourself about your wedding choices and relationship days before the big day. Never would you think that the biggest betrayal would be from the person you thought you would spend your life with. The person who said they love you and want to marry you should never make you feel unwanted.

Although I have come so far there are some things that are still difficult to understand. Truthfully I am not sure there are answers that would satisfy me. Right now God is still working on healing and showing me how to move forward. Someday I hope I can look back on this time in my life and say that this was the time that set me on the path to become who I was meant to be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

What’s for dinner?

After all these months I still have a hard time decided what is for dinner. There are times I have to really think if a meal was something I liked or one that I made for him. It is strange how a question that should be simple to answer has become complex. Even grocery shopping is difficult, after all, how do you know what to buy when you are not sure what you like any more.

There was a point I had reached a balance with cooking for one, but I currently find myself not knowing what to do. The worst part about the whole meal issue is that I truly love to eat and cook, but lately I have dreaded it all. I know with time the pendulum will swing back and all will be right in the kitchen again. Until then I will take it day by day and maybe discover some new favorites in the meantime.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The original day.

Planning my wedding was an interesting experience. It had many levels of frustrations, one was a wedding date change. My then finance decided that he wanted to move up the wedding by seven months. At the time it was a great idea, we both wanted to begin our adventure together that much sooner, I have never wanted a long engagement anyway. It is so crazy to think of all the extra stress and frustration I put myself through to end up in a place I never thought I would be.

Today was the original date of the wedding. It has been an odd day. My calendar at work has whiteout covering the words “My wedding day”. The words may be hidden, but I still know they are there. Most of today I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn’t moved the wedding date. Would I be celebrating with friends and family right now? Would my future be completely different?

I continue to have so many questions about my failed relationship that I know will never have answers. Honestly, I am not sure I want to have answers, because the only one that can help solve the mysteries is the one person I hope I never see again. Besides, having answers will only create more questions to be answered.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sometimes you have to fall.

Sometimes I still catch myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had gotten married. I am sure that many of the wonderful things that have happened over the past few months would not have been. More importantly I would not be on the path I am on. True, it has not been easy, but a part of me understands that sometimes you have to fall in order to get where you need to go.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Never will be.

I can’t help but wonder what the plan would have been for this upcoming long holiday weekend if the wedding had gone as planned. Would we have gone away? What would our relationship be like at this point? There are so many questions that will never have answers. So many times over the past few months that I have played this question game and every time I tell myself what would have been no longer matters because it never will be.

All that aside, I am so excited for the upcoming weekend. There is only one more day of work to survive and it is a much-needed mini vacation. The current plan has deviated from the original, but that is not always a bad thing. Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone is a very good thing. Overall I am just excited to have a break from the everyday and enjoy a new setting and a different kind of adventure. Lately I feel stuck in a rut, every evening I do almost the exact same thing. For the most part what I am doing is good, but I think it needs a breath of fresh air and this weekend will be amazing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Yet I forge forward.

Sometimes I sit and stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the perfect words will appear. A combination of letters that make everything that has happened and hurt me make sense. I know that a simple phrase is not enough, even a whole library would not even touch all the unanswered questions I have.

The further out I get from that awful day the more I understand that I do not have to have answers. Honestly, for some of my questions what I may find out might hurt more than not knowing. There are still days that all I can think about is the hurt, but more and more are good days that I have hope. I have no clue what path my life will take me down. If I could I would tell you that I was not worried or scared at all. The truth is not knowing is terrifying, yet I forge forward, going back is not an option.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.