Understanding.

The planning it takes to make a TV show or movie never ceases to amaze me. The intricate story lines that run through season after season only to make sense after many episodes, and some not till the very end. Even after watching something many times over I still notice things I missed before, sometimes I wonder if the actors involved understood the twists and turns their characters were taking. A part of me hopes they are not fully aware, it makes me feel better about missing them myself.

I always wonder how this theory of not understanding something till you play through the moments again applies to life. More often than I would like to admit I have looked back and figured out the “Ah ha” moment that I missed at the time. I know there are more signs I should have seen that could have saved me some hurt along the way, but you do the best with what you have in the moment. What I do know is that there is a predetermined method and path for me. Hopefully, someday I can see how the unexpected twists and turns changed me for the better but for now I will do my best to watch out for the signs and keep moving forward.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Go with the flow.

I went for a hike today and I had an interesting encounter. The trail I did is what I like to call a “tourist hike”. Lots of pretty views on a mostly stone bock trail. Every uphill climb was a stair case, and some paths were even carved through the walls. With all that being said it truly is a beautiful hike.

Because this trail is populated by mostly non-hikers it can be difficult to pass by slower people who don’t always realize they are blocking the entire path. At one set of stairs I was blocked by two groups going horribly slow. When I saw an opening to pass I took it. I was polite as I wiggles in between them, but I heard one of them say to me “just go with the flow”. At the time I was slightly embarrassed, but did not say anything and zipped on up the stairs.

For the next mile or so I thought about the encounter. I did not feel like I was rude, if anything they were being rude not allowing space for faster hikers to pass without trouble. What bothered me was the fact that I was expected to slow down and limit myself.

Going with the flow is great in some situations. It is a rule of thumb I use when driving all the time, but I feel that too often we are expected to move with everyone else instead of pushing forward on our own and stepping out of our comfort zone. In this case I could have slowed my pace to stayed behind these two groups of people, and then my legs would be slightly less sore and it would have taken me a little longer. But how would that do anything to make me stronger?

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

What if…

Lately the “what if” game is playing strongly thought my head. What if I never get married? What if I never have kids? What if this and what if that. I find the things that terrified me in my early 20’s no longer seem so scary. Maybe the white picket fence and two and a half kids is not what my future holds, but that does not mean I think I would be lacking anything.

Everything that happened to me gave me a unique opportunity to look at my life from a new perspective. I think I am finally getting to a place that I can the bigger picture. The lines are still blurry and I can honestly say I still have no clue where this path leads, but that is getting less and less scary. I have learned a lesson and continue to grow stronger from it. I am sure that my life will be filled with countless “what if” questions, and maybe someday I will get answers to a few of them. Until then I will continue wondering, growing and moving forward.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A spark.

For the past few months I have wondered if I should continue with my daily posts. Is it worth it? Am I helping myself? Am I helping others? I think the answer to the first two questions is yes. Although my post have veered from many recovery topics I feel like they still document an important stage of my life. To the third question the answer is I am not sure I will ever know. I do get positive feedback and I do know my words are reaching others, beyond that the answer is unknown to me.

There are days that I feel like I need to write something inspirational, but of course those are the days that nothing comes. I do not claim to be a great thinker, nor do I wish to be. All I want is to help strike a spark in someone else. I hope somewhere out there a person who reads one of my posts and it helps them to know they can survive whatever their struggle is.

We all have a unique stories that are being written day by day, and we all impact each other more than we know. I think sometimes we forget that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The last page.

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Finishing a book is always bitter-sweet, especially if it is a good book. It is always difficult to leave the characters behind. With each passing page you got to know them and for a time became a part of their world. The closer to the end you get the more worried you are about leaving them behind, but at the same time you want to continue the adventure together and find out how it ends.

For me I never feel like the story is complete. What happened after the happily ever after? How did the characters face their next struggle? Did happily ever after actually live up to its intention? There are so many unanswered questions, but of course the story had to end. Authors do such an amazing job creating these worlds and I am sure that even after the last page is read that the story is meant to live on in each reader.

When you reach the last page for a moment you are heartbroken and wonder how any other book will ever compare, but of course you know this will not be the last literary adventure you will go on. Before long a new book will be in your hand sweeping you off to another place and making you fall in love with new characters. Hopefully it is a vicious cycle with no end.

Now to figure out my next adventure.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Why?

In the three days I spent with my cousins two year old twins I was asked “why?” more times than I can count. It was often exhausting and difficult to come up with answers that their curious little minds would accept, but when you came up with something, and the “why’s” finally stopped you felt accomplished to have won. Sadly, I think I only won 2 times, but they were such sweet successes.

As kids get older they stop asking as many questions. Possibly they are able to answer many without asking, or have been discouraged from being as curious one too many times and gave up wondering. No matter what the reason I think it is sad that at some point we become accustom to what is, instead of questioning what could be.

Over the years I have noticed that I am sometimes the annoying two year old to those around me constantly asking why. Fortunately, I have google to ask when someone around me is tired of questions or has no clue the answer. I was raised to be curious and have a desire to learn. I am thankful every day that my parents instilled and encouraged that constant wonder inside of me.

At one point this past weekend I realized how much I missed being asked “why?” in sweet little two year old voices. Despite the frustration it causes, it is such a wonderful thing to be around people, big or little, who crave answers to questions that can not always be explained. Sometimes it is not the questions that matter, it is the fact that we choose to ask why.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Long from done.

I have been struggling to decide what this blog would become. It has transformed from a place to break down my emotions and find clarity into something related, but different. I no longer face what feels like a never-ending internal battle every moment of the day. Minus pockets of time, I am able to live my life without feeling consumed. Instead, I find I am able to compartmentalize most of my pain into the moments I sit down to write. Tears are much rarer than they once were, but often happen while I open myself up on this platform.

As different as my day-to-day emotions are somethings remain the same. For example, I like to be in control over when and what I share about how I am handling things. I wish I could be more open to unexpected questions, but really all it makes me want to do end the conversation. I am weeks from one year of dealing with the ups and downs, and I find I am happier when I am able to push the negative thoughts into the background.

There is still so much mystery uncover. My story is long from done, but I truly think that there will be more sunshine and less storm clouds coming my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.