Another week.

Somehow we are at the end again. I wish I could say it was a happy week, but sadly I can not. Life is full of unexpected ups and down and unfortunately too often everything collides at the same time. You would think by now I would be used to it, but I am not sure that is possible, nor would I ever want to be used to feeling an emotional drop. I continue to be thankful for friends, family and the amazing prayer warriors that surround me.

Last Sunday it seemed like the week would be never-ending, my own version of groundhogs day. Yet here we are on the verge of another Friday and a weekend that will hopefully be full of relaxation and a little joy.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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The hurt dissolves.

There are times that I think I have nothing more to say, but I know that is untrue. The good thing is that the hurt dissolves a little more every day. At times I wonder if it will every fully disappear or if it will morph into something else. There was once a time that I was holding on to each breath and praying for the tears to stop. Now each breath comes easily and the tears are rare, but I am not sure what direction my life should go.

Every day still feels like another failed attempt to find understanding. Although I know I have reached a certain level of balance, I still feel like I should have that “Ah ha” moment that pulls everything together. I am aware such a moment will never come, but it feels like my mind is forever searching for it anyway.

I am thankful for all the continued prayers, there are times I can feel them lifting my spirits and giving me strength. As much as I would love a greater sense of understanding, the truth is all I really need to know, is this is the path I am meant to be on and I will walk it with greater strength every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Love, support and prayers.

For the third time since my own life changing event I find myself having to watching a friend go through a tragic loss of their own. Even after all this time I don’t know how to string words together to provide comfort. I honestly am not sure what was said to me that I took solace in. So much of the weeks to follow that day are a blur to me.

Psalm 9:9
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

What I do remember is the most important thing was to know that people were there and praying for me. I have felt and continue to feel so loved. That has helped more than I can say. So here I sit feeling wordless and sad but sending all my love, support and prayers knowing that there is truly only one person that can provide the comfort needed and whisper the right words at the perfect time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

4:30 a.m.

It feels like I could sleep for days and still be tired. I have had such a strange sleep pattern for the last few weeks it is starting to catch up to me. Usually I get to bed at a decent hour, but I wake up at strange times and am unable to fully get back to sleep. I am getting very tired of seeing 4:30 in the morning.

My hope is that this is just another time that my brain is over thinking things and like in the past it will eventually stop. Sometimes that anticipation is worse than the event its self. I think that will be true in the case of the upcoming date I wish I could forget. For now, all I can do is to push through and accept all the love, support and prayers that come my way. After all, I am one lucky girl.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A few weeks away.

I am weeks away from the one year mark of my recovery process. My plan is to go into the next few weeks with as much positivity as I can. I wish I knew what challenges they held, but no matter what happens I know I can handle it. There is no doubt that there will be tears and some sleepless nights, but in the end this is simply another milestone that must be overtaken.

Fortunately, there will also be a few adventures and fun times with friends and family to look forward to. My hope is that the weather holds out so everything can happen as planed. No matter what I know that I have an unbelievable amount of support, love and prayers. There is nothing that can hold me down.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

War.

Just because you know what side will win the war does not mean you can avoid the battles. There have been many times that I know what the outcome will be, but I have to go through the tears and pain to get to the other side. I knew eventually I would stop crying myself to sleep and the gaping hole in my chest would start to close. In time each battle was won and each win made me stronger.

My constant prayer has been for me to gain strength and courage. To be able to handle the internal pressures and pain with grace, and put on a strong outward appearance. For the most part I have succeeded, with a few exceptions. Sometimes emotions are not meant to be held in.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for so many reasons and it has left me exhausted and drained. There are multiple people in my life that are hurting and the worst part about it is that there is nothing I can do. There are no words I can say to make everything better, no gift I can give to make up for the pain. I feel so helpless, and I hate it.

What I can do is offer up prayers. This week I feel like I have truly been praying without ceasing. I know this war will be won, and battle after battle prayer will carry us all through with strength and courage we did not know we possessed.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A new adventure.

Often God reassures our insecurities in ironic ways. I have toyed with moving forward with an adventure for a month or so, but in the last few weeks I feel like God has been pushing me forward from so many sides. Everything combined has given me a huge amount of confidence and I hope will lead to many exciting things. I spent most of today taking a step in the planning. There is some preparation that needs to be done and more time needs to be invested before I will say too much more.

Right now I would really appreciate prayer. I feel good about what I have done so far and I know deep down this is a path I am meant to take.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.