I have made it a habit to write in my prayer journal every night before I go to bed. Sometimes I write a lot, sometimes not so much. Last night I wrote something that I mean with all my heart, but found it difficult to wrap my head around. I have reached a point that I am thankful for what I have been through. Not because I enjoyed a moment of it or wish to go through it again, but I now understand that my experience has given me a unique outlook on healing after loss.

A part of myself died that day, and it has been a long process to get to this point, but through ups and downs I was never alone. Doors have opened, friendships gained and experiences had that would have never been possible without me losing that part of me. True, I am still not on the other side, but the light is getting brighter and it is so full of possibilities. My experience has changed me, and I would like to think for the better.


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This week I have felt like I am drowning in mixed emotions. I know most of it is in my head, but in some ways that is the worst place for it to be. Ideas are swirling around faster than I can grasp them which puts me in an endless loop always moving and never settling. Some of the past has flooded back and hopes for the future rush forward, and I am caught in the undertow.

Sleep is coming slowly when I need every moment I can get. Why does my brain refuse to shut off? Why do the emotions keep coming? A part of me is getting used to this feeling and pushing through the exhaustion caused by sleepless nights. Although I am proud of how far I have come, I am saddened by how far it feel I have left to go. Everyday I hope that someday could be tomorrow and the past could be years ago. Instead I am swirling just below the surface, surviving each rapid as they get further and further apart.

Eventually someday really will be tomorrow and the past will be years ago, but for now I will hold tight to hope and pray for understanding.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Another week.

Somehow we are at the end again. I wish I could say it was a happy week, but sadly I can not. Life is full of unexpected ups and down and unfortunately too often everything collides at the same time. You would think by now I would be used to it, but I am not sure that is possible, nor would I ever want to be used to feeling an emotional drop. I continue to be thankful for friends, family and the amazing prayer warriors that surround me.

Last Sunday it seemed like the week would be never-ending, my own version of groundhogs day. Yet here we are on the verge of another Friday and a weekend that will hopefully be full of relaxation and a little joy.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The hurt dissolves.

There are times that I think I have nothing more to say, but I know that is untrue. The good thing is that the hurt dissolves a little more every day. At times I wonder if it will every fully disappear or if it will morph into something else. There was once a time that I was holding on to each breath and praying for the tears to stop. Now each breath comes easily and the tears are rare, but I am not sure what direction my life should go.

Every day still feels like another failed attempt to find understanding. Although I know I have reached a certain level of balance, I still feel like I should have that “Ah ha” moment that pulls everything together. I am aware such a moment will never come, but it feels like my mind is forever searching for it anyway.

I am thankful for all the continued prayers, there are times I can feel them lifting my spirits and giving me strength. As much as I would love a greater sense of understanding, the truth is all I really need to know, is this is the path I am meant to be on and I will walk it with greater strength every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Love, support and prayers.

For the third time since my own life changing event I find myself having to watching a friend go through a tragic loss of their own. Even after all this time I don’t know how to string words together to provide comfort. I honestly am not sure what was said to me that I took solace in. So much of the weeks to follow that day are a blur to me.

Psalm 9:9
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

What I do remember is the most important thing was to know that people were there and praying for me. I have felt and continue to feel so loved. That has helped more than I can say. So here I sit feeling wordless and sad but sending all my love, support and prayers knowing that there is truly only one person that can provide the comfort needed and whisper the right words at the perfect time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

4:30 a.m.

It feels like I could sleep for days and still be tired. I have had such a strange sleep pattern for the last few weeks it is starting to catch up to me. Usually I get to bed at a decent hour, but I wake up at strange times and am unable to fully get back to sleep. I am getting very tired of seeing 4:30 in the morning.

My hope is that this is just another time that my brain is over thinking things and like in the past it will eventually stop. Sometimes that anticipation is worse than the event its self. I think that will be true in the case of the upcoming date I wish I could forget. For now, all I can do is to push through and accept all the love, support and prayers that come my way. After all, I am one lucky girl.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Steadfast & thankful week 2

This week had a lot of ups and downs. There were some days it helped to record something that I was thankful for. It was a week that felt like it had too many days in it, yet somehow not enough time. Here is my week 2 round-up for my “steadfast & thankful” challenge.

img_2775Day 6:
It was not a bad Monday, but I definitely had some Monday blues. So when it came to dinner I was thankful for some yummy comfort food.

img_2781Day 7:
I am thankful to live in a country that has so many freedoms.

I voted today.
Did you?

img_2819Day 8:
It’s this pretty girls (approximate) birthday! She has not always been the most well-behaved cat, but I am forever thankful for her “grooming”, head butts, cuddles and unfailing kitty love.

img_2862Day 9:
I’m feeling a little yucky today, but thankfully my coworkers let me go home early. Hopefully with a little extra rest I’ll be ready to take on Friday.

img_2943Day 10:
I am always thankful
for Saturday’s that I
don’t have to set an
alarm for.

Day 11:img_2968
Today is Veteran’s Day, a day that we pay tribute to all those who served.
For the past four years my mom has had her 6th grade students interviewed local veterans who served in a time for war. From these interviews they create videos that are shown on Veterans Day at the local theater. This year the videos featured veterans from WWII and the Korean War.
I am thankful not only for the veterans, but also for the unforgettable experience these kids were given. After all, those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.

img_2974Day 12:
It was a little dark at my desk in the evening and I know it will only get worse as the winter goes on. Today I got a not so pretty but very effective light. I am thankful for a bright spot to work and create.


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