Favorite.

There are movies that you have seen many times in the past, but not recently. Honestly, they probably haven’t even crossed your mind in a long time. Then you watch the movie for one reason or another, and you remember what you loved so much. Why for that brief time so many years ago, it was your favorite movie and you promise yourself to never forget it again. True, this is a promise that you will probably never keep. After all there are so many favorite movies yet to be watched, but maybe someday that one movie will circle back around and remind you of the time when it was your favorite.

Sometimes I think people can have a similar quality. So often friends come and go in our lives. Although we can forget about a person or that for a time their impact on us will never truly disappear, for most, this is a wonderful thing. There were childhood friends, and high school team mates, college room mates and past relations, each person leaves an invisible mark on us that we are reminded of now and then. Just like watching a movie that was once our favorite, seeing these people can bring up a flood of emotions that reminds us of our past. Hopefully, like a good movie you watch over and over again, good friends will come into our lives and never leave.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Hurry up and wait.

I feel like my life has turned into a series of hurry up and waits. A lot of the time I am not really sure if I’m hurrying or waiting. Sometimes I think it is a little of both. There are few days that pass that I feel truly settled in the events of the day. Most of the time it still feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest. Although, the pain is much more manageable, the hurt is still there. I have truly done my best to not let the events of my past make me bitter, but sometimes that is a true struggle that I am not sure I am winning.

Every day I try to convince myself that the little things will no longer hurt. That the pain will someday disappear, but I wonder if that is really true. There are times I still feel residual pain from my childhood, lost friendships and misunderstood events haunt us all. At the end of the day we simply learn to overcome the pain and push it aside with the hope that the next time we open up the wound will stay healed and the scar will disappear a little bit more.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Appreciating every moment of now.

I was walking down a trail heading back to my car today and something hit me. I was sweaty and smelly, tired and hungry and I was suddenly so proud of myself. Pretty much every weekend all summer long I have gone on adventures. I have hiked trail after trail and found a few magical places and I have learned so much about myself.

In the past I always wanted a summer like this, weekends spent outside, not being scared to make memories by myself. I always thought this would be the life I would have when I was with someone, I guess in some ways I put my life on hold waiting to not be alone. Not to say there are not many, many times this summer that I wish I had someone by my side, but I guess I have finally realized that putting off doing what I love does nothing to help me grow and become a better person.

Someday I hope I will have someone excited to hike trail after trail with me and make memories that will mean so much to both of us. At the moment that idea is just a flicker of hope in the distance that I will continue moving toward while appreciating every moment of now.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

16 years ago.

Every year on 9/11 I am transported back to high school. Suddenly I am the 8th grader sitting in art class without a care in the world not knowing that five hours away everything was changing.  It is surreal to think back on the feelings and emotions, the sudden temperature drop of everything around me. I was old enough to know what was going on, but not quite old enough to fully understand the long-term ramification. Tragedy and heartbreak. Loss and destruction. It it still unthinkable to me that people can knowingly cause so much pain.

Year after year I see more conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11 and it breaks my heart. I am not saying there are not un answered questions about the events and many strange circumstances surrounding that horrible day. But today should be about showing respect for those who risked their lives on the chance they could save others. Today of all days should be about a continued support for those who lost loved ones, friends and family alike. It should be about coming together, not tearing apart.

The pictures to analyze will be there tomorrow and the next, but as you look at them remember they were not empty buildings or planes. It was not a movie prop or anything controlled, conspiracy or not never forget the pain of that day and the months to follow. Many lost someone, but we all lost something.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

A few examples.

I am now going to write the most obvious words I can think of, I have never been through a break up like this. I don’t say that because I have never been left at the altar before, or because it involved an overbearing disapproving mother, because in some respects that would be true. In all honesty there are so many ways why this ended relationship has been unique.

It was a clean break with never a though of turning back. There have been odd moments where an old habit brought him to the surface, but I have not once wanted to run back into his arms. Maybe that seems a little harsh and unbelievable, but it is the truth. The loss still hurts, because I thought what we had was a solid foundation, and we were good together in so many respects. But at the end of the day the important things were forgotten and left to blow in the wind.

Another unique thing about this break up is that I did more than simply learn from a mistake. I have grown, changed and am slowly becoming a person I never knew existed inside of me. Sometimes, I look back at my early post and take note of how far I have come. In no way does this growth take away any of the pain, but it has taught me how to handle it with a little more grace, most of the time.

These are just a few examples of the difference between this and every other ended relationship I have had. Often I wish I didn’t have to go through the pain of the past months to get to where I need to be, but the truth is we never fully appreciate the journey until we get to the destination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Things.

Over the past few days I have thought of many things that I have thought of before. I have gone over conversations and come up with new witty come backs I should have said. In my head I ranted and raved conversations I would have with him today if I could. I know none of it will get me anywhere, but still day after day I catch myself run through these things in my head.

You never expect to have to defend yourself about your wedding choices and relationship days before the big day. Never would you think that the biggest betrayal would be from the person you thought you would spend your life with. The person who said they love you and want to marry you should never make you feel unwanted.

Although I have come so far there are some things that are still difficult to understand. Truthfully I am not sure there are answers that would satisfy me. Right now God is still working on healing and showing me how to move forward. Someday I hope I can look back on this time in my life and say that this was the time that set me on the path to become who I was meant to be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.