Hurry up and wait.

I feel like my life has turned into a series of hurry up and waits. A lot of the time I am not really sure if I’m hurrying or waiting. Sometimes I think it is a little of both. There are few days that pass that I feel truly settled in the events of the day. Most of the time it still feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest. Although, the pain is much more manageable, the hurt is still there. I have truly done my best to not let the events of my past make me bitter, but sometimes that is a true struggle that I am not sure I am winning.

Every day I try to convince myself that the little things will no longer hurt. That the pain will someday disappear, but I wonder if that is really true. There are times I still feel residual pain from my childhood, lost friendships and misunderstood events haunt us all. At the end of the day we simply learn to overcome the pain and push it aside with the hope that the next time we open up the wound will stay healed and the scar will disappear a little bit more.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Appreciating every moment of now.

I was walking down a trail heading back to my car today and something hit me. I was sweaty and smelly, tired and hungry and I was suddenly so proud of myself. Pretty much every weekend all summer long I have gone on adventures. I have hiked trail after trail and found a few magical places and I have learned so much about myself.

In the past I always wanted a summer like this, weekends spent outside, not being scared to make memories by myself. I always thought this would be the life I would have when I was with someone, I guess in some ways I put my life on hold waiting to not be alone. Not to say there are not many, many times this summer that I wish I had someone by my side, but I guess I have finally realized that putting off doing what I love does nothing to help me grow and become a better person.

Someday I hope I will have someone excited to hike trail after trail with me and make memories that will mean so much to both of us. At the moment that idea is just a flicker of hope in the distance that I will continue moving toward while appreciating every moment of now.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

16 years ago.

Every year on 9/11 I am transported back to high school. Suddenly I am the 8th grader sitting in art class without a care in the world not knowing that five hours away everything was changing.  It is surreal to think back on the feelings and emotions, the sudden temperature drop of everything around me. I was old enough to know what was going on, but not quite old enough to fully understand the long-term ramification. Tragedy and heartbreak. Loss and destruction. It it still unthinkable to me that people can knowingly cause so much pain.

Year after year I see more conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11 and it breaks my heart. I am not saying there are not un answered questions about the events and many strange circumstances surrounding that horrible day. But today should be about showing respect for those who risked their lives on the chance they could save others. Today of all days should be about a continued support for those who lost loved ones, friends and family alike. It should be about coming together, not tearing apart.

The pictures to analyze will be there tomorrow and the next, but as you look at them remember they were not empty buildings or planes. It was not a movie prop or anything controlled, conspiracy or not never forget the pain of that day and the months to follow. Many lost someone, but we all lost something.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 

A few examples.

I am now going to write the most obvious words I can think of, I have never been through a break up like this. I don’t say that because I have never been left at the altar before, or because it involved an overbearing disapproving mother, because in some respects that would be true. In all honesty there are so many ways why this ended relationship has been unique.

It was a clean break with never a though of turning back. There have been odd moments where an old habit brought him to the surface, but I have not once wanted to run back into his arms. Maybe that seems a little harsh and unbelievable, but it is the truth. The loss still hurts, because I thought what we had was a solid foundation, and we were good together in so many respects. But at the end of the day the important things were forgotten and left to blow in the wind.

Another unique thing about this break up is that I did more than simply learn from a mistake. I have grown, changed and am slowly becoming a person I never knew existed inside of me. Sometimes, I look back at my early post and take note of how far I have come. In no way does this growth take away any of the pain, but it has taught me how to handle it with a little more grace, most of the time.

These are just a few examples of the difference between this and every other ended relationship I have had. Often I wish I didn’t have to go through the pain of the past months to get to where I need to be, but the truth is we never fully appreciate the journey until we get to the destination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Things.

Over the past few days I have thought of many things that I have thought of before. I have gone over conversations and come up with new witty come backs I should have said. In my head I ranted and raved conversations I would have with him today if I could. I know none of it will get me anywhere, but still day after day I catch myself run through these things in my head.

You never expect to have to defend yourself about your wedding choices and relationship days before the big day. Never would you think that the biggest betrayal would be from the person you thought you would spend your life with. The person who said they love you and want to marry you should never make you feel unwanted.

Although I have come so far there are some things that are still difficult to understand. Truthfully I am not sure there are answers that would satisfy me. Right now God is still working on healing and showing me how to move forward. Someday I hope I can look back on this time in my life and say that this was the time that set me on the path to become who I was meant to be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

2024.

Unfortunately, I was not in the path of the total solar eclipse today, but along with my co-workers and so many others across the country I did observe part of the sun disappear behind the moon. The next eclipse that will be visible to me is in April of 2024. It will be a total eclipse from where I am now, so it will be extra exciting!

At one point of the day or another we all recounted the last eclipse we remembered. For most of us it was the one in 1994, but we all had very different experiences. Some remembered making pin hole cameras to watch the sun disappear while others remembered the funny glasses. For me it was a wonderful adventure. My mom took me out of school and together with a friend we went up to a science museum. We got to look through a telescope at the eclipse as well as take part in other events. Although I was only 6, I still remember how exciting it was, sometimes when you look back on your childhood it is the little things that mean the most.

Who knows what will happen between now and 2024. It is crazy to think of how much my life could change in the next 7 years. Whatever happens I know it will be amazing, and maybe I should keep my amazing eclipse watching glasses in a safe place for the next time, just in case.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Stay positive.

What a week. I am unable to pinpoint exactly what made it so awful, I think it was a combination of things. Some may have been in my control, but others were not. I think there are some weeks that I dwell more on how different my life is now, from what I thought it would be a year ago. I know I have not moved backward, but sometimes as I sit alone on a Friday night it is difficult to remember that.

Work felt very negative this week. Not because of the actual job, more like some of the people were simply unable to stay positive. I am still struggling daily to maintain a positive attitude about much of my life so it was difficult to be immersed in such an environment. I do my best to tune it all out, but sometimes no matter how hard you try it is impossible to avoid entirely.

On the other hand, there were some very positive parts of the week. I have continued to take steps toward a new adventure. I planned some vacation days that I am looking forward to and, I have finally made it to the weekend. It is a rare weekend with no set in stone plans, which means two days of hiking, creating, and relaxing. Tonight I go to bed hopping for sweet dreams and no alarm to wake me up in the morning.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Hang in there!

I know by now I should not be surprised when something so simple comes into my life at the perfect moment. Today on my hike I came across a simple rock with the words “Hang in there!” written on it. It was as if it was there just for me. A part of me wanted to take the rock home with me, but I decided a picture was enough and I would leave the words of encouragement for the next person who needed to be reminded that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with.

Over all I am doing so much better than I could have hoped, but sometimes things still feel like they are too much for me to handle. This weekend was difficult because I had to go through some boxes of wedding decorations. I spent months collecting and making things so everything would be perfect. Sadly many of my favorite things made their way to the garbage, after all, personalized cake toppers and tie clips have little value. I wanted so badly to be able to handle it all without tears, but sometimes no matter how hard you try to hold them back the tears come.

Some days I need to remember that it is alright to simply “Hang in there!”. Better days are coming and I need to do my best to remember that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.