Surprise Laughter

On my way back to work from lunch my mind was wandering and I suddenly started to laugh. It took me a short bit to process what my mind thought was so funny, and it was not what you would expect. Honestly, it was not what I expected. Yet there I was giggling to myself on the same route that used to be filled with tears and a brave front.

It is no secret that the week before my wedding was unconventionally stressful. The day before when my family and friends were helping me set up for the wedding that would never be, I ran into my office quickly. I was obviously distraught and very stressed and off handedly said that I would tell them the whole crazy story in a year or so when it became funny. Well, many parts of it just became funny.

I will not be recounting the story here in any farther detail than I already have in the past, but it is now just over a year and I feel an odd sense of peace. That day was like the start of a really bad romance movie (if anyone wants movie rights please let me know), but it was not the end of anything. It was the beginning of everything. I am stronger, wiser and getting better each day. It is unfortunate that sometimes we need to go through unbelievable pain to find our path, but I hope someday when I get where I am going I can look back and smile about how far I have come.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


The hurt dissolves.

There are times that I think I have nothing more to say, but I know that is untrue. The good thing is that the hurt dissolves a little more every day. At times I wonder if it will every fully disappear or if it will morph into something else. There was once a time that I was holding on to each breath and praying for the tears to stop. Now each breath comes easily and the tears are rare, but I am not sure what direction my life should go.

Every day still feels like another failed attempt to find understanding. Although I know I have reached a certain level of balance, I still feel like I should have that “Ah ha” moment that pulls everything together. I am aware such a moment will never come, but it feels like my mind is forever searching for it anyway.

I am thankful for all the continued prayers, there are times I can feel them lifting my spirits and giving me strength. As much as I would love a greater sense of understanding, the truth is all I really need to know, is this is the path I am meant to be on and I will walk it with greater strength every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A creative outlet.

Although I work at a job that I create all day, sometimes I feel like I don’t spent any time being creative. This week for example, I know I have done many creative things at work, but I have not really made anything at all. I love what I do, but I often miss the feel of a paintbrush in my hands and ink under my nails.

In college I took a figure drawing class and we used wet charcoal. It was the messiest medium I think I have ever used. My hands had black streaks on them most of the semester that refused to disappear no matter how much I washed my hands. I am not one to want to go back in time, but sometimes I think about sitting in that class and I wish I could go back to having charcoal streaks engrained in my skin for a short time.

I know it is my own fault for my lack of creative outlet. It is a problem with an easy solution, and right now I like things easy solutions. So much of life is too easily bogged down, but to create with your hands gives you a world of endless possibilities.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the primer of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and today is the 15th anniversary of Fred Rogers passing. Like so many, as a child I loved Mr. Rogers. He had such a magical tone to his voice that made you feel like he truly cared about you. I remember being shocked when I learned he had passed away in 2003. It felt like my childhood was officially over. I know that sounds a little strange, I was 16 and clearly not a child anymore, but there was something odd about knowing that there would never be new adventures to be had with Mr. Rogers.

Today, a PBS article popped up in my facebook memories from 2015. It is entitled  “Watch Mister Rogers’ heart-warming message to his grownup fans“. The short minute and a half video was filmed a few months before his death and is worded perfectly. As always in his calm voice he gave one last encouraging word to the generations of viewers that he impacted. Each person is unique and different with our own worries and troubles. We all have fears we are facing and struggle to find hope at times. Somehow even at 31 hearing that Mr. Rogers likes me just the way I am brings a tear to my eye and reminds me of how strong I am.

“… I would like to tell you what I often told you when you were much younger. I like you just the way you are. ”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


Life is like a row of dominos. Each move we make can changes the series of events. Maybe the path we expected to take is blocked off from us, but in time the big picture is formed. If one piece is out of place sequence everything could change. From time to time, I find myself wondering what I would have done different if I could go back in time keeping the knowledge I now have. I am sure I would have made different decisions, but that does not mean I would have done everything right or ended up anywhere different. Maybe a decision I made would have taken me down a different path of heartache and I would be sitting here writing the same post with a different past.

The best thing we can do with our past is to accept it and to not let it hold us back. I think it is important to share our experiences, both good and bad with those around us. We can not change our past, but we might be able to influence someone else for the good. There is a whole world out there waiting to be conquered. Just because tragedy struck does not mean our dominoes are done falling. I am holding tightly on the fact that someday these dark days will be an integral part in the beautiful bigger picture I am working toward.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The seven year quilt.

My favorite place to make quilts is at one of my Aunt and Uncle’s houses. My Aunt has her basement all set up for sewing, cutting an ironing. Quilting with my Aunt has the benefit of her expertise with all things sewing and the fun of spending time together. I have had some pretty crazy sewing experiments that we have tried with mixed reviews, but always end in some level of success. I have a habit of starting out making a baby blanket, and ending up with a full. What can I say, I like boarders, and hate patterns.



I am not sure where the idea came from to make a quilt out of men’s dress shirts. I had it somewhere in the fall of 2011 when I bought a stack of dress shirts at second-hand stores. They were mostly blues and greens, striped and plaid, large and small. Each one different with a unique past and a common future. The original idea was to make this quilt for my boyfriend at the time, but it was a gift that was never to be.

While visiting my Aunt and Uncle October of 2014 the process of making the quilt began. We got the entire top made, it is composed of 3 inch strips at varying lengths sewn together at random. Remember, me and patterns have a sketchy relationship. We carefully sewed each row together leaving some of the of pockets intact. The finished top was a beautiful combination of colors that keep your eye moving around making connections and bridges from line to line. The goal was for me to go home and finish the quilt, but after that October weekend it would stay folded up for the next four years.


Now the quilt is finally finished and is on my bed. On my distraction weekend adventure my Aunt and I finally finished it. In true form it is HUGE! We used fabric from my Aunt’s stores to make the back, pinned it together, machine quilted and bound it in less than 24 hours. The good thing about making huge quilts is that oversized blankets are so cuddly, the bad side is that you have to take the extra time to finish them. In my opinion the end result was well worth that extra time.

So much has changed in my life from the concept of this quilt to its completion. I have been in three relationships and have had two different jobs. There has been loss and gain, and so much love and support woven in between. Sometimes, you never know where life will take you, but the good thing is eventually you end up with a masterpiece composed of it all.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


A different life.

Every once in a while I still miss him, but not really him more the idea of what he once represented. At this point I no longer see his face when I close my eyes or remise over good times past. What I have the hardest time with is thinking of the future. A year later and it still strange to get past our hopes and dreams. We knew what we wanted out of life and the steps to get there. A house, a family, travel and so much more. Now all that is meaningless, the future of a different life.

Eventually, I hope I stop wondering about what if. Maybe someday I will have new dreams as a we, with someone more special than I can imagine. For now I will continue to trying to figure out what I want once again. Sometimes I feel so lonely.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.