Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Hang in there!

I know by now I should not be surprised when something so simple comes into my life at the perfect moment. Today on my hike I came across a simple rock with the words “Hang in there!” written on it. It was as if it was there just for me. A part of me wanted to take the rock home with me, but I decided a picture was enough and I would leave the words of encouragement for the next person who needed to be reminded that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with.

Over all I am doing so much better than I could have hoped, but sometimes things still feel like they are too much for me to handle. This weekend was difficult because I had to go through some boxes of wedding decorations. I spent months collecting and making things so everything would be perfect. Sadly many of my favorite things made their way to the garbage, after all, personalized cake toppers and tie clips have little value. I wanted so badly to be able to handle it all without tears, but sometimes no matter how hard you try to hold them back the tears come.

Some days I need to remember that it is alright to simply “Hang in there!”. Better days are coming and I need to do my best to remember that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

All I can do is have faith.

There are days that I wish I could fast forward through the waves of pain and frustration. It would be so nice to finally move on and not feel like I have a cloud looming over me. I know that fast forwarding would not solve my problems and I would never be the person I am meant to be without taking everything, good and bad, one step at a time. I wish I could see the future so I knew everything I am dealing with now leads to a happy ending, but all I can do is have faith.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Full Circle.

More and more I feel like I have gone full circle with my life. I’m back to feeling like all I do is watch the world pass me by as I sit alone. Thankfully I have never minded being alone, but sometimes I wish someone wanted to make an effort to come along side me. That is not to say I am lacking in people who care about me, because I am surrounded by many of that kind of person. What I wish I had is someone who calls or texts out of the blue just because, or who invites me for an adventure.

I have always been excellent at fitting into the in-between. Straddling lines of my interest and being forgotten in every direction. In college I was an athlete, and an art major, two things that usually do not mix very well so I was constantly lost in the gap between them. For the most part that was where I liked to be, but when it came to certain things it was difficult to be left out. So for the most part I ended up alone.

Most of the time I enjoy not having to deal with social obligations. It is nice being able to go home after a day of work and know I have no one to impress for the rest of the evening and if I choose to have ice cream for dinner no one will judge me. On the opposite site sometimes I miss engaging conversation and making dinner to share with someone else. The social aspect of my life is something I am not sure I will ever find balance with, but that will not make me stop trying. Who knows maybe next time I will have success.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Violets picked with John

My grandparents on my father’s side were married just shy of 50 years. They met at Roberts Wesleyan College somewhere around 1950. My grandfather was over six feet tall and was the big man on campus. All the girls in the laundry room wanted to iron his shirts, but it was my little five foot tall grandmother that caught his fancy. It is crazy to think how long ago it was that they met. I wonder what their early relationship was like and if they somehow knew they would be together forever. Unfortunately, I did not have as much time with my grandparents as I would have liked. The older I get the more questions I have that will never be answered in words.

img_0614This past week my parents were able to go through some of their things. Most of it was boxes of letters and different odds and ends, but my parents brought a few things back for me. There is pin that belonged to my great grandmothers, a Bible that was given to my grandmother in 1937 by the ladies in her church, a ribbon from a camp long ago and a few other things. One item that stood out to me the most is a simple envelope that says “Violets picked with John – 5-4-51”. When I opened the envelope there was a faded, pressed bundle of violets and my first thought was this is the kind of love I want.

In May of 1951 my grandparents were not engaged yet, but for some reason this small bundle of flowers were important enough to keep and be found over 60 years later. I wonder how many times this envelope was moved before it found its way to me. What did they talk about as these violets were picked to make it such a memorable day? What would the story be if my grandmother was still alive and I took this envelope to her? As much as I would love answers to all of these questions and more, the most important message I see is the love they had for each other. I want this kind of love.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sometimes you have to fall.

Sometimes I still catch myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had gotten married. I am sure that many of the wonderful things that have happened over the past few months would not have been. More importantly I would not be on the path I am on. True, it has not been easy, but a part of me understands that sometimes you have to fall in order to get where you need to go.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Anchors.

On Sunday evening the camp speaker used an illustration of an old sailer talking to a young one about handling storms. Each time the old sailer asked the young one what he would do if a storm came up the young one said he would throw out an anchor. The old one would ask again and again and the young sailer always had the same answer. Finally the old sailer asked where all the anchors were coming from, the young man replied the same place all your storms are. We never know how many storms we will face in our life, but God always has an anchor for each one that comes our way.

My brain is a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now. I have enjoyed my time off so much. There were many wonderful moments created over the past four days, but there were also some very difficult ones. The last few months I have overcome many emotional struggles, this weekend showed that there are still more to go. God has supplied me with many anchors to help me through my storms. Some came in unexpected forms, but there has always been something to help to steady me when I needed it. The things I have faced are beyond my ability to handle alone, I am so very thankful that I do not have to.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Camp. 

Being at camp as an adult is a little weird. The kids who are now teenagers were little when I last knew them. Now they have taken over where previous teens left off. It is strange to think how far down that line me and my friends are. It has been almost 12 years since I spent a significant amount of time roaming the campground. Somehow nothing seems to have change but the faces. I guess we all take on the rolls left behind by others. 

People that I grew up with are now the parents of kids playing in the creek. Yet here I am still somewhere in between. Most days I’m still not exactly sure where I am, but I know in time life will work its way to the next step. No matter what is coming up I know I can handle it. 

Camp has always had a wonderful way of helping me process things. There is something peaceful and calming here. Unfortunately, I won’t be here for long, but I have faith I will walk away feeling more confident. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Conversations.

Sometimes I run through conversations that happened right before or after my almost wedding. There are days I wish I could go back in time and say all the brilliant comebacks that I have thought of with over the past few months. I guess if I were being more honest than that what I really wish is that the conversations would get out of my head entirely, but I am afraid that some things will be with me for a very long time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.