The encounter.

No matter the break up, there is always the most dreaded moment. The first encounter. You pretend like you can control when or where it will happen. You hope for the best possible situation, or for it to never happen at all. Sadly, one day, when you lease expect it there he will be. It happened.

Personally, I was hoping for the grocery store, or on the opposite side of the street. Somewhere I wouldn’t have to watch him and feel cornered. I wanted to be able to turn around and go the other direction, to hide in the organic food section till the coast was clear. Unfortunately, that is nothing like what I had to face.

My schedule has changed very little in the past six months. I have swim lessons every Tuesday evening. Whether intentional or not in he walked with a half hour left in my swim lesson. I almost fell over. All my plans of turning around and not having to be around him floated away. I kept teaching, and he went back and forth, and back and forth.

Like so many other parts of my recovery, God put me in the best possible situation to face the worst situation imaginable. I stood my ground and stayed steady. I have two 6th grade girls in the class and we were working on starts. Neither knew I felt like a knife had been thrust into my chest. One of the girls got me laughing. It was the kind of laugh that no sound comes out because you are laughing so hard. It was a perfect way for me to gain the strength to make it through the rest of the class and change my perspective.

After a while they realized that he was in the pool, they had met him before. I hated to tell them that sometimes life doesn’t go like you plan. I hated showing these two young girls that sometimes love is not what it seems to be and sometimes ends in pain. I hope I also showed them that no matter what happens to be strong, to stand up and face any challenge that comes your way. To not let anything stop you from being the person you are, but let everything make you better.

I can not say there will not be another encounter, but the first one is over and I survived.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I never knew.

You never know how strong you are until you face what feels impossible. Fortunately, this goes for good things and bad. I never knew I could run a 5k, until I did. Each time I put on my sneakers and walk out the door I remember that I will be stronger at the end of this run and the next one will be easier.

Everyday I take this lesson to heart. Everyday I hope I am stronger than the day before. I can cry a little less and handle the pain with more courage. The first few hours after the end of what I thought was forever, I was terrified I would never smile again. How could I face my family and friends? How would I ever move on?

It amazes me how quickly I overcame each immediate fear. That day I smiled and laughed. I chased kids, built castles and had fun. I was embraced by family and friends. I found comfort and strength in so many things that day. Much to my surprise, I found strength in me.

Each day I can feel my confidence growing. I hold my head a little higher and step out of my door ready to seize the day. I never knew I could be so strong until I had to be and now I know I can face anything that comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

It is my one month anniversary.

Today is my one month anniversary. It is not the anniversary I planned on having. I expected a month of being very much in love. Instead I spent the month remembering how to be alone, how to cook for one, trying not to cry and attempting to function as a normal adult.

I do not regret what happened. I am a firm believer that God does not give us more than we can handle, and He always has a plan. In the last month I have felt God working in my life in a big way. He kick started my recovery by surrounding me by an amazing support group. I had friends and family that gave me hugs and shoulders to cry on the entire day. I felt nothing but love and it helped to overshadowed all other emotions.

Never would I have imagined that a talkative (and persuasive) five-year old girl would be the best one to take care of me when I was at my worse, but she was. After telling her I was not hungry, I will never forget being led to the table of food and having a plate filled. I doubt anyone else could have gotten me to eat, but she did. Throughout the day I could see her checking on me, she somehow knew what I needed. I will never forget how wonderful she was to me.

Unfortunately, there is no way to speed up my recovery. Over the last month there have been good days and bad days. I have been blessed to have co-workers, friends and family that allow me to express my emotions. Over and over again I am told how proud people are of how I have handled myself in an impossible situation. I guess for me there was never another choice, I was not going to let this defeat me.

Somewhere in the future I will have an amazing life. I don’t know what it will be, or who I will share it with. All I know is that God has a big plan for my life and I can’t wait to see what it is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Left at the altar.

img_0061This is supposed to be a very different picture, but that does not mean it is not perfect.

Two days ago was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Instead it collapsed into a day of pain. I thought I was going to marry the man of my dreams surrounded by friends and family. Instead I found my friends and family supporting me on a day I was feeling things no one should have to feel.

People who spent hours with me on Friday decorating and organizing for the wedding, disassembled everything in record time Saturday morning while I was catatonic. Kids that were excited to be a part of my big day, ended up taking care of me (it is hard to say “I’m not hungry” to a talkative five year old girl who fills your plate).

I wish so very much the day had gone as planned. I wish my ex-fiancé had chosen me over anything else. I wish I didn’t feel like there was a giant black hole consuming my insides.

Beyond all my wishes, I have never been more thankful for the amazing family and friends that I have. People who simply let me burst into tears at any moment. Everyone gave me understanding hugs and confidence that it will get better.

More than anything I am thankful for five little kids that gave me unforgettable memories, made me smile, eat and laugh despite everything.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.