A lot of nothing.

This evening I did the bare minimum. It was nice to sit on the couch and stare at the TV or play on my phone. I am sure tomorrow I will regret the pile of dishes in the sink and the fact I wasted a beautiful evening on the couch instead of on a run, but some times it is nice to be lazy. I try so hard to do so much that it becomes difficult to manage it all. I find that some nights it is important to take some time to relax.

Sadly the dishes will still be there tomorrow and hopefully the weather will allow me to go for a run, but if not there are worse things. I have never been very good at going with the flow. I like to have an idea of what could happen, but I am trying very hard to take things as they come and not put unneeded stress on myself. The whole thing is much easier said then done, but I will keep working on it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sometimes the impossible happens.

Today I stepped out of my running comfort zone and ran a 10k. Not only is it the longest race I have done, but it is also farther than I usually run at one time. I was excited when I got a text from my friend Jess late last week that she was running the race too! Even better she wanted to run with me. Jess is an amazing athlete and I knew I would slow her down, but I was also very excited she wanted to keep pace with me.

Iimg_8828img_8808t was a very small race, which turned out to be very much in my favor. Jess and I ran the whole race together while dad and mom criss crossed the town to see us at various points on the course, it was fun to guess where we would see them next. Having someone to run with made the time go quickly and helped me to push through the pain.

When I say the race was small, what I mean is there was only two people in my age group, and we were running right next to each other the whole time. When they were calling out the awards I almost fell over when they called my name for first place. I honestly can not tell you how, but apparently I crossed the finish line first.

This was an amazing week, defiantly one for the books. I won a contest, won a race and got to spend time with a friend I haven’t seen in far too long. The next time I race I know my finish will not rank so high. Today was a happy fluke, but I will hang up my first place medal and smile every time I see it remembering that sometimes the impossible happens.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One step at a time.

Everyday is a little bit different, but lately they have all felt the same. I am doing my best to take things one step at a time, but somehow I can never get enough steps in to move forward. I wake up with a list of goal I want to achieve each day, but somehow I always end up short and staying up far too late.

At the moment I am not sure what the answer is. I want to keep up this blog, do the dishes, go for a run, get my laundry taken care of, eat delicious food, cuddle with my cats, go to bed early, write, read and any other thing that needs to be done. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out a way to make it all fit. Maybe tomorrow I will be more successful in my plan.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Awfully short to be a high jumper.

Today my high school is hosting its biggest track meet of the year, the Hornell Invitational. When I was in school is was much larger than it is now. Every time I walk out on the track I see it for what it used to be. Schools from all over came to run on what used to be the fastest track around.

I was a high jumper, I say that with a laugh because I am shorter than your average high jumper. This fact was pointed out to me at the Invitational my senior year by an opposing coach. His exact words were ” you’re awful short to be a high jumper.” At this point of the competition there were only three jumpers left, I am sure he was trying to psych me out. Let me tell you, the eight words he said had every impact he wanted. I missed at that height and his athlete got second.

Not only did those words throw me off-balance for that meet, but for the rest of the season and into college. When I started college I had not planned on continuing in athletics, but I am thankful I did. I will never forget one of the first few weeks of my freshman year sitting in the office of the my future coach while he convinced me to join the team. How could I have known then he would help me prove to myself that I was not too short to jump high.

My first track meet in college did not go much better than my last few in high school, but I did not give up and for some reason neither did my coach. By the end of my first indoor season I was stronger and more constant than ever. At the end of the season I got second place at the NCCAA track meet earning my first of three All Americans. I was still “awfully short to be a high jumper”, but somehow the sting of those words was lost. Many times in meets I was looked down on (literally) by other jumpers, than they saw me fly.

Words are dangerous things, we often take their meaning for granted and forget how others will interpret them. That coach did not say anything I did not already know, but hearing it said out loud and in that way was painful. On this end of the story I can say with pride “I was awfully short to be a high jumper” because now I can add to the end “but look at all I did inspite of it”.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Stronger.

Someone needs to invent a way to record my thoughts as I run. I come up with my best ideas between mile 1 and 2, but by the time I get home I have forgotten most of it. As frustrating as it is to lose these thoughts, it is refreshing that running can offer me relief from my own mind. By the end of my run I am tired and thirsty, I am no longer dwelling on whatever was bothering me in the middle.

At the end of my run I can feel the success of completion and be proud that I challenged myself. I love the feeling of my muscles rebuilding themselves into something stronger. When it is time to go to bed it is easy to get to sleep and I love the guilt free eating of ice cream. Running is a wonderful form of therapy that is slowly helping to take my pain away and make me stronger in every way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The race I ran today.

Sometimes the best days happen after a frustrating week of feeling tired and sick. A day that you woke up discouraged, but ended happy and content. The best days are ones where you do something wonderful and help someone achieve a goal they did not see as possible.

Today I ran a 5k with friends. I woke up feeling tired, but I pushed through. I haven’t run all week like I wanted, but I ran today. My time was not what I anticipated when I signed up for the race, but the time did not matter. I spent the race encouraging others. I cheered on the people going the other direction and encouraged when I could. I ran the whole race with one of my friends and helped to achieve her goal.

There are some races where hitting a new personal record is not the priority. The goal is to finish the best you can. Sometimes the best is not a fast time, it is how you handled getting there. I am beyond proud of the race I ran today and am proud of my friends.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

In time.

Often when I run I think about the decisions that got me to where I am. Sometimes I trail decisions back much farther then meeting him. I think about past relationships and where they went wrong. There are opportunities that I took, and ones I let pass by. Friendships I fostered while others slipped through my fingers. It’s frightening once you start breaking down your life.

We make so many decisions every day. Some we don’t even realize we are making, and some we are backed into a corner and forced into. I am a firm believer that it is pointless to regret anything that happened in the past. All we can do is apply what we have learned, good or bad, to the future.

My runs have become such a great place for me to process my emotions. Things that were muddy at the start are so much clearer at the end. There are many things I still need to come to terms about, but in time I know I will find peace.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Monday blues.

Monday’s are the worst. Couple that with not much sleep and too much thinking, and you could say it was not the best day. I felt like I was sleep walking, my mind couldn’t focus. It has been weeks since I have felt this way so that made it all the more difficult.

Just like every day there were a few shinning moments that made it alright. I took my mom and a friend surprise flowers on lunch. There is nothing like doing something special for someone else to make you feel good. After work I forced myself to go for a run, and it went better than expected. About a mile in I felt more awake than I had all day. It was wonderful.

I knew there would be difficult days like this, and I am sure there are more to come. Fortunately, for every bad day there are many good ones. I know I can handle anything, because I have made it through the worst and am better for it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The best year.

2017 was going to be my year. I literally ran into the New Year and I made him go with me. We started at 12:50 p.m. on December 31, 2016 and finished on January 1, 2017 at 1:15 a.m. It was perfect. I know it is a strange, nontraditional way to welcome the New Year but we were doing something we both enjoyed and we were doing it together.

At the end of January I turned the dreaded 30, but I did not dread it. I was looking forward to everything the year was going to bring. I was marrying my best friend, we had plans and dreams. It was going to be perfect. Little did I know what 2017 was going to turn into, how quickly things could change.

Sometimes I look back on our relationship and I wonder why I didn’t end it sooner. There were so many signs, but I was in love and looking at everything through rose-colored glasses. That is not to say that we had a bad relationship, there were many good things about it. I will miss many parts being with him, and there are many parts I will not.

I have said multiple times that I am grateful if I was going to be in a situation like this that I was older. I think in my early to mid 20’s I would not have been able to pull myself together. I get up in the morning, I work, I run, I shop, I talk. I am not saying that it is easy, it is a daily struggle. I know many difficult days are still to come and will continue for a long time.

From the beginning I thought 2017 would be unforgettable. I was right. It will forever be the year I was drawn closer to family and friends. It will be the year that became stronger. I have a feeling it will be the best year ever.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Comfort blanket.

You know how there is that thing that you watch, eat or do during hard times. I must admit I have a few, and this time I can’t settle on a single one. I bounce between my favorite shows and movies. Some I have watched more times then I can count.

So many of my “comfort” shows I shared with him, or at least tried to. Every once and a while I get to an episode that triggers a memory that is too much for me, that is when I know it’s time to try something new.

Reading doesn’t seem to appeal to me at the moment, but I should search for a good book to get lost in. An adventure in a far off land would be sure to distract me. I would appreciate any suggestions.

I find that sitting still is never a good thing. I like to keep myself on the move. I have been slacking on my running/walking. Logging some serious miles is on my list of things to start doing. I’ve been toying with the concept of training for a half marathon, but that may be a little beyond my ambition at the moment.

Fortunately I always have my cats. I know, such a cat lady thing to say, but it’s true. They have a kind of cat-dar that zones in on me when I am particularly sad. I don’t know what I would do with out them.

Right now I’m not sure anything is supposed to take away that hole in my heart and make me feel better. At the moment I think I just need to take it all one step at a time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.