In the mix.

Today was non-stop. It slowly untangled leaving me hopeful for an ok tomorrow, but nothing is ever set in stone. As I write this I have the Princess Bride playing in the background in honor of its 30th anniversary and a cat pinning my arm down making typing an interesting experience. Over all, today was a good day, because I never had a chance to stop and let my mind get the best of me.

I wish I could write inspirational posts every day, but the truth is that is not always possible. There are some days that the words flow with such ease and I am able to articulate my emotions. On the opposite side, I just try to write something that makes sense. Someday I hope I can look back on the scattering simple rambling posts like this one and remember that there were some good days in the mix of tears, pain, and frustration.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Advertisements

One less thing.

A slow three day weekend was just what I needed to regain some energy and perspective. I slept in, relaxed and attempted not to worry about anything outside of my control. Over all it was a success and like always I wish there was more time. But the good thing is tomorrow I will wake up to a clean apartment, well rested and ready for the week. Sometimes the best thing is knowing that there is one less thing you will have to worry about tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The type of day I needed.

Everyday is one step closer to healing, yet sometimes I have a difficult time remembering that. The struggles I once had are a thing of the past and new ones have replaced them. Sometimes I skim through my old posts and am amazed at how far I have come. At one time it truly felt impossible to hold the tears in, now most of the time I feel no need to cry.

It has been forever since I have had a day that I did not feel like anything had to get done. Despite that fact I had a relatively productive day. I did a little cleaning and organizing, but most importantly I relaxed. Sometimes my biggest fear is if I relax for too long everything will rush back at me and I will simply sit crying all day. Thankfully today that was not the case, it was the type of day I needed to reset and be ready for the next challenge.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Days off.

I feel like I am getting a double vacation!

It started with a wonderful weekend at my Aunt and Uncles and up to my cousins. Time spent with family is always wonderful. Now I have two more glorious days with no work and no major obligations. True I have a seemingly endless list of things that should get done, but going to work is not on it.

First on my list is sleeping in then taking advantage of the beautiful weather predicted for tomorrow. Of course this means hiking and possibly some time in my hammock. Hopefully I will get caught up in my journal and maybe even get the dishes done. There is laundry to fold and floors to clean, but most importantly there are cats to cuddle and relaxing to be done.

It has been such a long time since I have had so many days off in a row, I can hardly contain myself for the excitement!

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A strange week.

It is one of those days that I have too many thought and none of them really make much sense. Just a lot of floating emotions and ideas with no real connections. I will blame my current state on the strange week I had. It never really felt like I was able to catch up, but somehow everything got done. I know Sunday evening I will dread the start of the new week and the few things I could have gotten done today that I didn’t. Sometimes I find it best to cut your losses on a Friday and know that Monday morning you will have fresh eyes ready to take on anything.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Home again.

Coming home after a long weekend is bitter-sweet. I am so happy to know I will sleep in my own bed tonight, but at the same time I will miss being in a different place and having new adventures. The past few days have really messed with my sleep schedule, I was up far to late every day and managed to sleep most of the way home today. I am sure that Monday morning will be here before I know it, and I am not ready.

My vacation was not what I had anticipated it being when I first took the time off, but that does not mean it was bad. I got to see the school where my sister-in-law works, we did a little bit of shopping and walked up and down who knows how many stairs. While there my brother and sister-in-law moved and I am glad that we were there to help. Fortunately there were movers for the heavy lifting and an elevator to prevent them from so many trips up and down stairs.

Sometimes unexpected things turnout the best in the long run, this is something I am slowly finding out from my own experiences. I will have to plan another trip to see them so I can venture out to attractions close to the school, see their apartment unpacked and put together and maybe see the school full of kids in all its glory.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.