Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The original day.

Planning my wedding was an interesting experience. It had many levels of frustrations, one was a wedding date change. My then finance decided that he wanted to move up the wedding by seven months. At the time it was a great idea, we both wanted to begin our adventure together that much sooner, I have never wanted a long engagement anyway. It is so crazy to think of all the extra stress and frustration I put myself through to end up in a place I never thought I would be.

Today was the original date of the wedding. It has been an odd day. My calendar at work has whiteout covering the words “My wedding day”. The words may be hidden, but I still know they are there. Most of today I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn’t moved the wedding date. Would I be celebrating with friends and family right now? Would my future be completely different?

I continue to have so many questions about my failed relationship that I know will never have answers. Honestly, I am not sure I want to have answers, because the only one that can help solve the mysteries is the one person I hope I never see again. Besides, having answers will only create more questions to be answered.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Full Circle.

More and more I feel like I have gone full circle with my life. I’m back to feeling like all I do is watch the world pass me by as I sit alone. Thankfully I have never minded being alone, but sometimes I wish someone wanted to make an effort to come along side me. That is not to say I am lacking in people who care about me, because I am surrounded by many of that kind of person. What I wish I had is someone who calls or texts out of the blue just because, or who invites me for an adventure.

I have always been excellent at fitting into the in-between. Straddling lines of my interest and being forgotten in every direction. In college I was an athlete, and an art major, two things that usually do not mix very well so I was constantly lost in the gap between them. For the most part that was where I liked to be, but when it came to certain things it was difficult to be left out. So for the most part I ended up alone.

Most of the time I enjoy not having to deal with social obligations. It is nice being able to go home after a day of work and know I have no one to impress for the rest of the evening and if I choose to have ice cream for dinner no one will judge me. On the opposite site sometimes I miss engaging conversation and making dinner to share with someone else. The social aspect of my life is something I am not sure I will ever find balance with, but that will not make me stop trying. Who knows maybe next time I will have success.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

#ISentLoveInAnEnvelope

I have a small collection of packages to send out tomorrow. Just a few things heading off to new adventures. In this day of instant email and text messages it can be fun to send things in the mail. The worst part of the process is going to the post office and standing in line. I’m a little torn over what the best part is. Hearing how the receiver feels about what you sent is always great, but it is also a lot of fun collecting and packaging up the goodies to send.

Lately, I have made a point of adding the hashtag #ISentLoveInAnEnvelope to each package. I think it is nice for all the hands that the package will go through to know that whatever is inside is special. I can not take credit for this wonderful concept or hash tag. I picked it up from Grace & Salt ink. This initiative was started to help show your friends that they are valued, bring a smile to their face and to help encourage them. The sentiment is simply beautiful, it makes me want to send out packages all the time. Afterall, getting an unexpected (or expected) package from a friend always turns a bad day to wonderful.

1 Thess’ 5:1 (ESV)
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 


 

Read all about Grace & Salt ink’s I sent love in an envelope challenge here!

140.6 miles.

Over the last year I have watched an amazing woman prepare for a huge challenge. She has swam, biked and run mile after mile in preparation for the Lake Placid Ironman. Sunday morning she will put all her training and preparation to the test. It has been inspirational to watch her journey and an honor to lifeguard for her early morning swims.

Training for such a grueling event means a lot of sacrifice. So much of your time and energy is poured into overcoming each challenge. With the support of her family she has handled everything with an amazing amount of grace. Through weather, injury and everything in between she pushed through and made it to the starting line.

I am looking forward to following her throughout the day as she completes her 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, 26.2 mile run. She has a group of family and friends that will be there wearing “Team Luckiest” t-shirts in bright green to provide her with encouragement every step of the way. Although I will be home I too will be sending supportive prayers and well wishes as she completes the goal she has worked so hard to achieve.


Here is a link to her blog post 13 days out from the race:
http://www.ourtripod.com/2017/07/ironman-lake-placid-in-13-days-pass-me.html

Perspective.

Thankfully I have felt more emotionally stable lately. I’m not saying all is right with the world, but I feel like maybe time has begun to be kind to me. Hearing about wedding stuff still stings and seeing happy family everywhere I look is not necessarily easy, but I think I am beginning to find a better perspective.

I try think about how wonderful it will be someday when I am in the position to enjoy planning a wedding with a happy ending and having a family of my own. Someday I want to be able to tell my kids or nieces and nephews about this time in my life and not be ashamed that I spent it being jealous of everyone around me. Hopefully I can tell them that I faced each struggle with streingth, courage and determination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Anchors.

On Sunday evening the camp speaker used an illustration of an old sailer talking to a young one about handling storms. Each time the old sailer asked the young one what he would do if a storm came up the young one said he would throw out an anchor. The old one would ask again and again and the young sailer always had the same answer. Finally the old sailer asked where all the anchors were coming from, the young man replied the same place all your storms are. We never know how many storms we will face in our life, but God always has an anchor for each one that comes our way.

My brain is a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now. I have enjoyed my time off so much. There were many wonderful moments created over the past four days, but there were also some very difficult ones. The last few months I have overcome many emotional struggles, this weekend showed that there are still more to go. God has supplied me with many anchors to help me through my storms. Some came in unexpected forms, but there has always been something to help to steady me when I needed it. The things I have faced are beyond my ability to handle alone, I am so very thankful that I do not have to.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

A special place in my heart.

Unfortunately, my time at family camp is over, but it was well worth it. I sat around a camp fire telling stories and eating s’mores, spent some time at the pool, ate at the dining hall and took a walk down the creek. There were times I felt like I was a teenager without a care in the world. Although there were few people who I grew up with, it was great to talk to who I could. Camp friends will always have a special place in my heart.

The last bit of my time on the camp ground was spent talking to a friend, who I know will read this post at one point or another. We talked about how our lives have changed and encouraged each other. As the conversation went on she mentioned this blog, and that she appreciated how I openly express myself. I told her that some days I honestly feel good, others not so good, but I try each day to write my truth. We both agreed that there is no doubt that one way or another the words I write here will give comfort to more than just me.

Camp is truly a special place where time has a way of standing still, and the connections we make last a lifetime. I hate to have to go back to the real world.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Parakaleo

I could not have asked for a better sermon this morning. There were a few points the pastor made that were exactly what I needed to hear. He spoke about the Body of the Church and the way it connects all Christians. In the Old Testament, God choose a nation to fulfill his calling, but in the New Testament He chose individuals from all nations who came together as the Universal Church. It was incredible to hear how eloquently the pastor described the love, care and encouragement we, as the Church should bring to each other. As a Christian, we never struggle alone.

Parakaleo, is the Greek word for encouragement, directly translated it means to come along side. For me, this is the perfect way to describe what has happened during my healing process. Since February I have been in the greatest struggle of my life, but not even for a minute have I felt alone. There has been a stream of encouragement and love that continues to pour into me from so many. People continue to come along side of me giving me exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. It is truly incredible what the Body of Christ can do and the healing it can bring about.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.