There are still things that I avoid. Place, people, conversations, things. At the beginning I tried very hard to make what I could my own. Running was his thing that I adapted for myself during our relationship, the week after everything fell apart I forced myself to put on my running shoes. The first few runs were pretty miserable, but I made it through and still continue to run.
I never know what will trigger a memory or an emotion. Sometimes I am able to face the potential threat head on, but more than not things blind side me. Even cleaning can produce memories I would rather forget. But each time I face these things it gets easier and I still hold out hope that one day they will disappear.
The one thing I have the most difficulty with is food. There are still many meals that I simply can not imagine making, but today I checked one of those things off the list. It took months for me to talk myself into making pancakes. There have been many days that I craved them, but I was unable to bring myself to mix the ingredients. I almost cried while eating them today.
Who would have thought that pancakes would ever be something I would try to avoid, but it was our Saturday tradition to make them together. He liked them with blueberries, I like them with chocolate chips. I wish I could forget these things, but I know the only way to get over it is to create new memories to overcome the old. So moving forward I will be enjoying chocolate chip pancakes a little more often.
Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.