There are still things that I avoid. Place, people, conversations, things. At the beginning I tried very hard to make what I could my own. Running was his thing that I adapted for myself during our relationship, the week after everything fell apart I forced myself to put on my running shoes. The first few runs were pretty miserable, but I made it through and still continue to run.

I never know what will trigger a memory or an emotion. Sometimes I am able to face the potential threat head on, but more than not things blind side me. Even cleaning can produce memories I would rather forget. But each time I face these things it gets easier and I still hold out hope that one day they will disappear.

The one thing I have the most difficulty with is food. There are still many meals that I simply can not imagine making, but today I checked one of those things off the list. It took months for me to talk myself into making pancakes. There have been many days that I craved them, but I was unable to bring myself to mix the ingredients. I almost cried while eating them today.

Who would have thought that pancakes would ever be something I would try to avoid, but it was our Saturday tradition to make them together. He liked them with blueberries, I like them with chocolate chips. I wish I could forget these things, but I know the only way to get over it is to create new memories to overcome the old. So moving forward I will be enjoying chocolate chip pancakes a little more often.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


Peanut butter pie.

Sometimes at Wegman’s I can get a mini peanut butter pie. They are difficult for me to resist when I see they are available. Honestly, there have been times that I have pretended not to see them, and other times one magically showed up in cart. Last Friday that is exactly what happened, but I have no regrets. I have enjoyed slowly eating it this weekend. If I wanted I could eat the whole thing in one sitting, but would most likely end up with a stomach ache as a result. Besides, the longer I make it last, the more I get to enjoy it.

Often it is the little things that bring us the most joy. We always want the big things immediately and forget that the smallest of things add up fast. I am not always the best with patience and taking my time with things. I would like to think I am slowly getting better at taking things in stride and enjoying each moment and small thing that comes my way. Probably it will always be something that I struggle with, but maybe in time it will come more naturally.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Breakfast for dinner.

Having breakfast for dinner was pretty typical when I was with him. French toast or from scratch pancakes were some of our favorites. For a year I avoided making either for myself, but the last week I have found a new love for french toast. I have made it multiple times in the past few days and it was delicious.

I am really loving this new stage of recovery that I am in. Less tears and more getting back to the things I really love without thinking of unpleasant associations.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Steadfast & thankful week 2

This week had a lot of ups and downs. There were some days it helped to record something that I was thankful for. It was a week that felt like it had too many days in it, yet somehow not enough time. Here is my week 2 round-up for my “steadfast & thankful” challenge.

img_2775Day 6:
It was not a bad Monday, but I definitely had some Monday blues. So when it came to dinner I was thankful for some yummy comfort food.

img_2781Day 7:
I am thankful to live in a country that has so many freedoms.

I voted today.
Did you?

img_2819Day 8:
It’s this pretty girls (approximate) birthday! She has not always been the most well-behaved cat, but I am forever thankful for her “grooming”, head butts, cuddles and unfailing kitty love.

img_2862Day 9:
I’m feeling a little yucky today, but thankfully my coworkers let me go home early. Hopefully with a little extra rest I’ll be ready to take on Friday.

img_2943Day 10:
I am always thankful
for Saturday’s that I
don’t have to set an
alarm for.

Day 11:img_2968
Today is Veteran’s Day, a day that we pay tribute to all those who served.
For the past four years my mom has had her 6th grade students interviewed local veterans who served in a time for war. From these interviews they create videos that are shown on Veterans Day at the local theater. This year the videos featured veterans from WWII and the Korean War.
I am thankful not only for the veterans, but also for the unforgettable experience these kids were given. After all, those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.

img_2974Day 12:
It was a little dark at my desk in the evening and I know it will only get worse as the winter goes on. Today I got a not so pretty but very effective light. I am thankful for a bright spot to work and create.


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Scaredy cat.

My cats have very different personalities. One is great around people, but she is not overly cuddly with most. The other hides when anyone is around, but is extra cuddly when I am alone or she is brave enough to venture out when there are guests. Sometimes I think they emulate the different sides of me.

This evening friends came over for dinner and some crafting help. It was a lot of fun because it has been a long time since I have had anyone over. We ate stuffed cheese burgers and sweet potato fries and had various things streaming on the TV, none of which we really paid attention to.

We talked and laughed. Slowly our projects were successfully completed, and only one cat ever participated in the fun. Maybe next time my scaredy cat will join in, but then again, maybe not. Only time will tell.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Exploding kittens.

This evening I went out of my comfort zone. Usually I am a home body and will come up with any excuse to not go out, but today I was determined to follow through on the plan and hang out with friends. Most of the day I was tired and all I wanted to do was go home, but I refused to let myself be the person that canceled last-minute.

Now, let me explain what I mean by “going out”, it was dinner, a movie and a game at a friend’s house. It was nothing crazy or out there, and I am so glad that I went. One of my friends I have known for a long time, we have so many teenage memories to reminisce about the conversation is never lacking. The other is a new friendship, it is slightly eerie how similar our humor is and I am enjoying the prospect of an amazing friendship. I can see us being a trio creating many memories together in the future.

Dinner was tacos, which was fitting because it is National Taco Day. The movie was “Wonder Woman” and I think we talked more than we watched. The cherry on top of the evening was the game Exploding Kittens. It is a game that is completely backward from almost every other game I have ever played and it was amazing. Most of your strategy is pure luck and somehow I won. Throughout the evening we laughed and had so much fun.

After everything I have been through I find myself valuing people who are willing to spend time with me despite the potential of spontaneous (or not so spontaneous) tears. It is also wonderful to be around people who have a comprehension of what I am going through and can lend a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear.

I am sure that I will forever be a homebody, but it is nice to have wonderful evenings like this to remind me that there is no gain without taking a step outside of your comfort zone. Not to mention taking the chance that the next card might just be an exploding kitten.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


It is important for me to remember that things can be repurposed and enjoyed in ways other than what they were intended for. For example, my parents have a box of chocolates and other foods that were meant to be in the guest bags at the wedding. This weekend I took a few things out of it to take to work and today I took a box around and shared the wealth. We all enjoyed the snack and I made a few awkward jokes. Sometimes I have to laugh or I will start crying, and there has already been enough of that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.