Not ready.

There are somethings that you wait for in excited anticipation, like a vacation or special event. You count down the days and hours until you get to fly off into the sunset. No matter how you look at it time never moves fast enough, then suddenly the day arrives and you are sitting there in shock you finally made. Right now, for me is not one of those times. If there were a way to pause everything, I think today I would have figured out how. February 11, is coming up far too quickly and I am not sure I am ready.

How do you prepare for a landmark you have been dreading since the day it happened? For the past 361 days that is exactly what I have been trying to do. Now I am days away and I am scared. Not because I feel incapable of facing it, although I am not looking forward to it, but because I am not sure what comes next. I know I am stronger and wiser. The future I am working toward is truly amazing, but it is unknown. All I can do is take each wave of emotion as it comes and do my best to continue to grow and hopefully someday the unknown will no longer be scary.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.



I have done a great job of not having a breakdown so far today. So I am going to keep this post cheery and looking toward a happy future in an attempt to avoid some extra tears.

Today went pretty much as I expected it to go. I had a lot to do and most of it was simply time consuming, not difficult. It was also nice to feel like I was accomplishing something at every step. Over all it was exactly what I needed to keep my mind busy and not wandering to past memories and fears. I hope the next few days will be as full of distractions as today and possibly have some wonderful memories mixed in. I am determined to push through with a smile no matter what.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Tired of being tired

If you see a zombie wandering around, it might be me. I have almost reached a month of not enough sleep. I have no problem with the actual sleeping, more an issue of falling asleep. At first I thought it was just a fluke and would pass, now I just want it to go away. The last time I had problems sleeping it was due to an irrational fear of endings. Even as I was dealing with it I knew it was a silly fear, yet no matter what I did it stayed for quite a while. Currently, I am clueless as to what is causing my inability to fall asleep. Whatever it is, can stop any time.

Although I can not pinpoint an exact cause, I do have a few theories. Probably my issues stem from a combination of stress and over thinking. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to feel better and stronger I forget that these things take time. I wish I could wiggle my nose and make so many changes, but I know that is impossible. At times I feel spread so thin I am not sure what I should do and I never seem to achieve as much as I would like. All around me I see people moving forward and gaining speed with their lives, and here I sit still so unsure.

I have found that after I write a post about a problem my brain somehow finds a way to reach a state of equilibrium. My fingers are crossed that writing this post will have a similar effect, because let me tell you, I am so tired of being tired.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


A neighborhood cat has decided my porch is the place to be and it has turned my apartment into a very strange battle ground. Neither of my cats are acting like themselves. The one that is usually dominate and fearless is hiding and hissing at almost anything that comes close. On the other hand the timid shy cat that hides under the bed when there is a loud noise is being outgoing and enjoying extra cuddles.

Honestly, I should not be surprised that my cats are not acting as expected about the situation. After all from my experience some people in stressful situations can be very unpredictable. I have even been surprised how I have handled the unspeakable situations I have dealt with over the past months, not to mention little moments that pop in and out at will.

Hopefully the neighborhood cat will find a new favorite spot soon and my two will be back to normal. I have been hoping and praying for the same thing for me and slowly I am feeling more and more confidant. I know that God is useing this time in my life to make me a better person able to help others in ways I never could have before. I am not so sure thankful is the word to use, but I am grateful that in time something wonderful will come out of all the pain.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

It is ok to laugh.

For those of you who don’t know, I am a graphic designer and I work for a small town newspaper in Upstate New York. Two weeks after I was left at the altar our spring/summer bridal guide went to press. Before the wedding I was so excited to lay out the pages. Fast forward to the aftermath of the most emotional two weeks of my life and I was simply trying to put the pages together without actually looking at them.

Today at work we started talking about our fall/winter bridal guide that coincides with a bridal show. A little over four months later am still not overly excited to be immersed in wedding talk, but like all things I know I will survive. I made a joke to a co-worker today that I promise to not be left at the altar two weeks before this publication goes to press. I told her it was ok to laugh, after all the irony of the situation was not lost on me.

It is strange when things line up and you are forced to face your worst fears when the pain that caused them is so fresh. Sometimes it is the best way to begin healing. My fears have changed because of what happened, but I am also getting much better at facing them as they arise. I am still working my way through to understanding, but I am beginning to feel like the pieces are coming together. It is nice to know how strong I have become.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.