Words are hard.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Even in the past six months I have changed. True there are some universal truths about ourselves that remain consistent, but they do not always take the same level of importance they once did. I would love to say that as time goes on we know ourselves better and it becomes easier to describe who we are. In some ways that may be true, but from my experience it becomes more difficult to simplify as we continue to move forward.

When I have to write out a general bio I freeze. I will sit staring at a blinking cursor praying that it will magically read my mind and condense my jumble of thoughts into a concise, beautifully worded description. In reality it remains blank until I give up, type a few sentences and hoping whatever I come up with resembles me in any form.

Sometimes I wish I could reach out to different people from various areas of my life, ask them to write a description of me and merge them into one simple bio. But, I have a funny feeling this idea is much better in theory over practice. Beyond and difficulty of merging so many perspectives, I am not sure I actually want to hear what some people think of me. At the end of the day we know who we are and should not base ourselves on what others expect from us.

Maybe at some point in my life the blinking cursor asking me to write a short description of myself will be less terrifying, but right now all I can do is the best I can to put myself into words.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The original day.

Planning my wedding was an interesting experience. It had many levels of frustrations, one was a wedding date change. My then finance decided that he wanted to move up the wedding by seven months. At the time it was a great idea, we both wanted to begin our adventure together that much sooner, I have never wanted a long engagement anyway. It is so crazy to think of all the extra stress and frustration I put myself through to end up in a place I never thought I would be.

Today was the original date of the wedding. It has been an odd day. My calendar at work has whiteout covering the words “My wedding day”. The words may be hidden, but I still know they are there. Most of today I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn’t moved the wedding date. Would I be celebrating with friends and family right now? Would my future be completely different?

I continue to have so many questions about my failed relationship that I know will never have answers. Honestly, I am not sure I want to have answers, because the only one that can help solve the mysteries is the one person I hope I never see again. Besides, having answers will only create more questions to be answered.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Home again.

Coming home after a long weekend is bitter-sweet. I am so happy to know I will sleep in my own bed tonight, but at the same time I will miss being in a different place and having new adventures. The past few days have really messed with my sleep schedule, I was up far to late every day and managed to sleep most of the way home today. I am sure that Monday morning will be here before I know it, and I am not ready.

My vacation was not what I had anticipated it being when I first took the time off, but that does not mean it was bad. I got to see the school where my sister-in-law works, we did a little bit of shopping and walked up and down who knows how many stairs. While there my brother and sister-in-law moved and I am glad that we were there to help. Fortunately there were movers for the heavy lifting and an elevator to prevent them from so many trips up and down stairs.

Sometimes unexpected things turnout the best in the long run, this is something I am slowly finding out from my own experiences. I will have to plan another trip to see them so I can venture out to attractions close to the school, see their apartment unpacked and put together and maybe see the school full of kids in all its glory.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Forth floor walk up. 

Today my family spent the day moving my brother and sister-in-law into their new fancy apartment. Thankfully there were movers to do the heavy lifting, but that does not mean we didn’t work hard. The new apartment is on the 4th and 5th floor of a dorm, although there is an elevator we mostly took the stairs. Up and down we went a few times through the day. 
At the end of the move, a little bit of shopping and dinner I decided I wanted to go for a short run. I was thinking a mile and a half or so, well, I ended up doing an even 3 miles. That three mile run may have been a bit much for today, but really I’ve been taking it far too easy so maybe it was just what I needed. 

Boy will I sleep well tonight… and most likely wake up very sore. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Packing.

I am pretty sure that my body and mind clocked out sometime yesterday because today has been a struggle. I forced myself out of bed and to work and somehow got myself through the day. Around noon I was extremely thankful for my forethought of getting so much done on Monday. The good thing is I know everything at work is in capable hands leaving me with a few worry free days off.

Packing for a vacation is the worst. Somehow I never feel ready to go. There is always something that needs to be done before I leave and the list doesn’t seem to shrink. I feel like most of the big stuff is taken care of, work, the cats, a relatively clean apartment. All that is left is things that would be beneficial like finishing up the dishes. Hopefully I walk out the door with everything I need ready and prepared for a wonderful, and much-needed time away.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Bitter-sweet.

Time off is still a little bitter-sweet. I find myself thinking of how I would have used my vacation if we were still together. It is still so strange to remember that I am just a me. It has been a while since I caught myself in a moment that I went to messaged him something about my day. To go from talking to someone every day to silence is such an odd feeling. Whoever said that silence is deafening was dead on in their reasoning.

So far this week has been an odd in-between. The past month has been a series of ups and downs and now I am anticipating my long weekend filled with family time. So far this week I have done my best to get ahead at work so I can leave for a few days and not feel like I have left a mess for others to deal with. There are still a few loose ends I need to tie up, but in just a few days I will be on the road without a care in the world.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Violets picked with John

My grandparents on my father’s side were married just shy of 50 years. They met at Roberts Wesleyan College somewhere around 1950. My grandfather was over six feet tall and was the big man on campus. All the girls in the laundry room wanted to iron his shirts, but it was my little five foot tall grandmother that caught his fancy. It is crazy to think how long ago it was that they met. I wonder what their early relationship was like and if they somehow knew they would be together forever. Unfortunately, I did not have as much time with my grandparents as I would have liked. The older I get the more questions I have that will never be answered in words.

img_0614This past week my parents were able to go through some of their things. Most of it was boxes of letters and different odds and ends, but my parents brought a few things back for me. There is pin that belonged to my great grandmothers, a Bible that was given to my grandmother in 1937 by the ladies in her church, a ribbon from a camp long ago and a few other things. One item that stood out to me the most is a simple envelope that says “Violets picked with John – 5-4-51”. When I opened the envelope there was a faded, pressed bundle of violets and my first thought was this is the kind of love I want.

In May of 1951 my grandparents were not engaged yet, but for some reason this small bundle of flowers were important enough to keep and be found over 60 years later. I wonder how many times this envelope was moved before it found its way to me. What did they talk about as these violets were picked to make it such a memorable day? What would the story be if my grandmother was still alive and I took this envelope to her? As much as I would love answers to all of these questions and more, the most important message I see is the love they had for each other. I want this kind of love.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

#ISentLoveInAnEnvelope

I have a small collection of packages to send out tomorrow. Just a few things heading off to new adventures. In this day of instant email and text messages it can be fun to send things in the mail. The worst part of the process is going to the post office and standing in line. I’m a little torn over what the best part is. Hearing how the receiver feels about what you sent is always great, but it is also a lot of fun collecting and packaging up the goodies to send.

Lately, I have made a point of adding the hashtag #ISentLoveInAnEnvelope to each package. I think it is nice for all the hands that the package will go through to know that whatever is inside is special. I can not take credit for this wonderful concept or hash tag. I picked it up from Grace & Salt ink. This initiative was started to help show your friends that they are valued, bring a smile to their face and to help encourage them. The sentiment is simply beautiful, it makes me want to send out packages all the time. Afterall, getting an unexpected (or expected) package from a friend always turns a bad day to wonderful.

1 Thess’ 5:1 (ESV)
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

 


 

Read all about Grace & Salt ink’s I sent love in an envelope challenge here!

Measuring time.

Sometimes I have odd ways of judging how time passes. When I was a kid my family would take vacations that required long drives. At least once a trip my brother and I would ask how much longer, since actual time means little to a six-year-old we would be told time in shows or movies. We understood how long an episode of “Batman” or the movie “Cool Runnings” was and we knew by the time we were done watching we would be there.

The strange things things from childhood always stick. I often judge time in this odd way. I remember in college being asked how long it took me to complete a project, and I would give them the list of movies I watched while working on it. That was the first time I understood that this was not a normal time scale, but that has never stopped me from using it.

Over the past few months I have caught myself using odd ways to measure time and mark the passing days. Sometimes I try to remember how many bars of soap or tubes of toothpaste I have gone through. I have changed my toothbrush twice and am almost through another bottle of face wash. Somewhere around five months ago I lost count of how many boxes of tissues I have gone through. Over the past six months I have bought myself flowers around a dozen times and have managed to kill only one of my plants.

I don’t know if this is a healthy way to mark time passing, but it is how I have gotten used to watching it go by. There is no official list, and I could be off by quite a bit on my mental count, but it helps me to see that time moves forward. A bar of soap and a tube of toothpaste are being used slowly but surely just like I am getting better every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

140.6 miles.

Over the last year I have watched an amazing woman prepare for a huge challenge. She has swam, biked and run mile after mile in preparation for the Lake Placid Ironman. Sunday morning she will put all her training and preparation to the test. It has been inspirational to watch her journey and an honor to lifeguard for her early morning swims.

Training for such a grueling event means a lot of sacrifice. So much of your time and energy is poured into overcoming each challenge. With the support of her family she has handled everything with an amazing amount of grace. Through weather, injury and everything in between she pushed through and made it to the starting line.

I am looking forward to following her throughout the day as she completes her 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, 26.2 mile run. She has a group of family and friends that will be there wearing “Team Luckiest” t-shirts in bright green to provide her with encouragement every step of the way. Although I will be home I too will be sending supportive prayers and well wishes as she completes the goal she has worked so hard to achieve.


Here is a link to her blog post 13 days out from the race:
http://www.ourtripod.com/2017/07/ironman-lake-placid-in-13-days-pass-me.html