Pebbles.

By now I should be used to things happening in perfect time, but it never ceases to amaze me when things fall into place. I’ve been having an odd week. I wish I could explain it, but I honestly am not sure where to start. Work is pretty crazy, my emotions are on a roller coaster and all I really want to do is not leave my apartment. Unfortunately, that is not the way the world works.

Today I had my standing every other week girls night, the plan is always to watch a movie or two, eat food and hang out. Usually we end up talking through the movie so we do our best watch something we have memorized from years of over watching. This week, I was so close to canceling, but I am glad we carried on with the plan. Some time with a friend was just what I needed to add a boost to my confidence and remind me that I am not alone

A year seems like enough time, but in reality it is nothing. I know the road has started to level out, but there are still plenty of pebbles in my shoe that need to be removed.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Advertisements

Effort.

This winter I have been far too lazy. No matter how I try to guilt myself into going to the gym or putting on my running shoes the result has been the same, but today I decided that I had no excuse. I already had swim lessons so I figured I might as well get in and go for a swim myself. At the moment I think it was a great decision, there is nothing like a swim to give you time to think and get some energy out. However, over the next few days as the soreness sets in I may have a different perspective.

This summer I want to put in the effort. I want to be able to run a few races and finish strong, instead of just finishing. It would be nice to push myself further than I thought possible and maybe achieve the goal I set for myself last year. We are always our own worst enemies, but that does not mean we should be defeated.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

One year later.

This morning I woke up with an odd feeling in my chest. Not exactly an ache, it was more like I was unable to catch my breath. Even now after the whole day has gone by the feeling has not fully disappeared. This process so far has been long and difficult and I know I am not close to being done dealing with the residual effects. Every step I have taken since this day last year has brought me so far from where I started. I am so thankful for each person who has been a positive force during that time. Each prayer and gesture has meant more to me than I can express.

Over the past few days I have cried more consistently than I have in months, but at every tear I was so supported. I am beyond thankful for all of my family, but in particular my cousin and her family. Her five kids kept me laughing and running around so much I hardly had time to think. There were a few times that her husband did some extra running around and put the kids to bed alone so I could have some extra time with my cousin. The past few evenings we have had some chats that went far too late and I am grateful that she took the time with me when I am sure she would have rather been in bed. Some people might think they have amazing families, but I have proof that for me it is true.

One year ago tonight I cried myself to sleep and had no clue what I was going to wake up to the next morning. Tonight I might go to bed with tears in my eyes, but with a heart full of hope and memories of a wonderful weekend.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The little girl.

There are many reason I choose to travel to visit family this weekend. I knew it would be a difficult, emotional weekend and it would be best to get away, but I also knew that a fancy vacation would not be enough. Being surrounded by family means I have all the support I need no matter how I am feeling. I can cry, laugh and talk it out no matter when the emotions hit. I am lucky to be so loved.

I could go on and on about why I choose to come to where I am, but the truth is most of it can be boiled down to one little girl. She is so special and full of life. On that day I honestly think she is the only one that could have gotten me to eat. I have many blanks from that day, but I remember her smiling face as she took my hand and filled my plate with fruit and a few other things as I stood there numb. She sat next to me and as we ate she chattering away at a steady pace. Through the rest of the day I remember her checking in on me and keeping an eye on what I was doing. Who would have thought that a five year old would be my gardian angel that day.

Today we went on an adventure just the two of us and it was so much fun! Right now I am not sure she understands how amazing she was that day. At some point in the future I hope we can sit down and discuss the many ways she and the rest of my family and friends helped start me on the road to recovery. Until then, I hope we can continue to make memories and enjoy each moment we spend together.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Weakness.

I have been writing an awful lot about friends lately. I like it. The people who are in my life right now are fantastic. To me, they are the definition of a kindred spirits. Historically my friendships come in waves. Often it feels like feast or famine, but currently I have reached a middle ground. I guess this is what happens when you allow others to take care of you and see your vulnerability.

For most of my life I have attempted to portray a strength and courage that I did not always posses. I have never liked feeling weak, but one of the many lessons I have learned this year is that weakness is not letting others in, it is trying to do it all on your own. Putting on an outward appearance of strength and hiding away your pain till it eats you from the inside out it true weakness. It is the people around me, my friends who over the past months that have made me truly strong. The ones that have prayed and let me cry and have simply made an effort.

True weakness is not knowing when to get help. True weakness is not helping when someone needs you. I am forever grateful to my friends, both old and new who have been there time and time again and showed me what true strength and courage is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Weather.

I am torn between staying home in my pj’s all day tomorrow and going hiking. As much as I would really like a lazy day where moving is optional, I think hiking is the wiser choice. Nice weekends are numbered, before I know it there will be snow on the ground and plenty of time to relax. Hopefully we can get through October with some decent weather. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky and it will extend all the way through December like it has the past few years.

No matter when the weather will turn, I need to start making lists of things I want to get done when the weather turns cold. There are many things I have been putting off or have not taken the proper time to do this summer. There is a quilt to finish and journaling to be done. Cookies and cakes to be made and I am sure a thing or two to clean. Not to mention the books I would love to read and the movies/shows to watch.

This summer I set a goal for myself to hike as much as I could. It helped me to have something to look forward to completing and I would like to continue that trend of self encouragement and completing goals.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Full Circle.

More and more I feel like I have gone full circle with my life. I’m back to feeling like all I do is watch the world pass me by as I sit alone. Thankfully I have never minded being alone, but sometimes I wish someone wanted to make an effort to come along side me. That is not to say I am lacking in people who care about me, because I am surrounded by many of that kind of person. What I wish I had is someone who calls or texts out of the blue just because, or who invites me for an adventure.

I have always been excellent at fitting into the in-between. Straddling lines of my interest and being forgotten in every direction. In college I was an athlete, and an art major, two things that usually do not mix very well so I was constantly lost in the gap between them. For the most part that was where I liked to be, but when it came to certain things it was difficult to be left out. So for the most part I ended up alone.

Most of the time I enjoy not having to deal with social obligations. It is nice being able to go home after a day of work and know I have no one to impress for the rest of the evening and if I choose to have ice cream for dinner no one will judge me. On the opposite site sometimes I miss engaging conversation and making dinner to share with someone else. The social aspect of my life is something I am not sure I will ever find balance with, but that will not make me stop trying. Who knows maybe next time I will have success.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.