Weakness.

I have been writing an awful lot about friends lately. I like it. The people who are in my life right now are fantastic. To me, they are the definition of a kindred spirits. Historically my friendships come in waves. Often it feels like feast or famine, but currently I have reached a middle ground. I guess this is what happens when you allow others to take care of you and see your vulnerability.

For most of my life I have attempted to portray a strength and courage that I did not always posses. I have never liked feeling weak, but one of the many lessons I have learned this year is that weakness is not letting others in, it is trying to do it all on your own. Putting on an outward appearance of strength and hiding away your pain till it eats you from the inside out it true weakness. It is the people around me, my friends who over the past months that have made me truly strong. The ones that have prayed and let me cry and have simply made an effort.

True weakness is not knowing when to get help. True weakness is not helping when someone needs you. I am forever grateful to my friends, both old and new who have been there time and time again and showed me what true strength and courage is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Weather.

I am torn between staying home in my pj’s all day tomorrow and going hiking. As much as I would really like a lazy day where moving is optional, I think hiking is the wiser choice. Nice weekends are numbered, before I know it there will be snow on the ground and plenty of time to relax. Hopefully we can get through October with some decent weather. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky and it will extend all the way through December like it has the past few years.

No matter when the weather will turn, I need to start making lists of things I want to get done when the weather turns cold. There are many things I have been putting off or have not taken the proper time to do this summer. There is a quilt to finish and journaling to be done. Cookies and cakes to be made and I am sure a thing or two to clean. Not to mention the books I would love to read and the movies/shows to watch.

This summer I set a goal for myself to hike as much as I could. It helped me to have something to look forward to completing and I would like to continue that trend of self encouragement and completing goals.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Full Circle.

More and more I feel like I have gone full circle with my life. I’m back to feeling like all I do is watch the world pass me by as I sit alone. Thankfully I have never minded being alone, but sometimes I wish someone wanted to make an effort to come along side me. That is not to say I am lacking in people who care about me, because I am surrounded by many of that kind of person. What I wish I had is someone who calls or texts out of the blue just because, or who invites me for an adventure.

I have always been excellent at fitting into the in-between. Straddling lines of my interest and being forgotten in every direction. In college I was an athlete, and an art major, two things that usually do not mix very well so I was constantly lost in the gap between them. For the most part that was where I liked to be, but when it came to certain things it was difficult to be left out. So for the most part I ended up alone.

Most of the time I enjoy not having to deal with social obligations. It is nice being able to go home after a day of work and know I have no one to impress for the rest of the evening and if I choose to have ice cream for dinner no one will judge me. On the opposite site sometimes I miss engaging conversation and making dinner to share with someone else. The social aspect of my life is something I am not sure I will ever find balance with, but that will not make me stop trying. Who knows maybe next time I will have success.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

#ISentLoveInAnEnvelope

I have a small collection of packages to send out tomorrow. Just a few things heading off to new adventures. In this day of instant email and text messages it can be fun to send things in the mail. The worst part of the process is going to the post office and standing in line. I’m a little torn over what the best part is. Hearing how the receiver feels about what you sent is always great, but it is also a lot of fun collecting and packaging up the goodies to send.

Lately, I have made a point of adding the hashtag #ISentLoveInAnEnvelope to each package. I think it is nice for all the hands that the package will go through to know that whatever is inside is special. I can not take credit for this wonderful concept or hash tag. I picked it up from Grace & Salt ink. This initiative was started to help show your friends that they are valued, bring a smile to their face and to help encourage them. The sentiment is simply beautiful, it makes me want to send out packages all the time. Afterall, getting an unexpected (or expected) package from a friend always turns a bad day to wonderful.

1 Thess’ 5:1 (ESV)
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


Read all about Grace & Salt ink’s I sent love in an envelope challenge here!

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A second half.

Weeks like this make me wish I had a second half to help take up the slack. Someone to help do the dishes and to vent to after a difficult day. Someone who could make me feel more confident when I feel defeated. This week certainly had some unexpected ups and downs, but over all it could have been worse. I wish I could have gotten more done at home, but sometimes that is not what is important. Hopefully this weekend will go smoothly and give me an opportunity to get more done than expected, crazier things have happened.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Faith to dream. 

Let me get this out of the way, the main speaker at camp sounds like James Earl Jones and he has an incredible amount of energy. 

This morning he preached about redemption and how God can turn our vices into fruits of the spirit. He ended by reminding us that we need to continue to fill ourselves up with the Holy Spirit because we constantly pour it out of ourselves and into others. Over all a very powerful message. 

The evening service was an emotional roller coaster for me. I have said before that I know God is working in my life and has a plan for me, but in order to get there I had to get stronger. Apparently God wanted to really drive that idea home for me today. The main topic was having faith to dream and follow through on the plans God has for us. 

Throughout the Bible God talks to the faithful in the form of dreams. Noah, Abraham and Joseph all learned about the plan God had for them in dreams. For the past few months God has begun to place things in my heart. I honestly can’t tell you where I am being lead, but I know a plan has been set in motion. Now it is up to me to continue to be steadfast and courageous. 

The speaker closed the message with an altar call for those who have a dream that has been laid on their hearts. I went up. I have a dream, but unfortunately it is too raw for me to put into words. In Gods time he will show me where he needs me, and will get me through each struggle along the way. 

I cried a lot today. Sometimes it is simply too hard to hold in all the emotions and it becomes overwhelming. But I am resilient, strong and courageous and with God on my side, unstoppable. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.