Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

In time.

Often when I run I think about the decisions that got me to where I am. Sometimes I trail decisions back much farther then meeting him. I think about past relationships and where they went wrong. There are opportunities that I took, and ones I let pass by. Friendships I fostered while others slipped through my fingers. It’s frightening once you start breaking down your life.

We make so many decisions every day. Some we don’t even realize we are making, and some we are backed into a corner and forced into. I am a firm believer that it is pointless to regret anything that happened in the past. All we can do is apply what we have learned, good or bad, to the future.

My runs have become such a great place for me to process my emotions. Things that were muddy at the start are so much clearer at the end. There are many things I still need to come to terms about, but in time I know I will find peace.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.