Tolerable.

Before this week began I knew it would be crazy, but there was a plan, I had a strategy. Unfortunately, that lasted all of one day. Not all is lost. I hope with a few adjustments the rest of the week will be tolerable, but I suddenly have much more fear for what is coming than I did two days ago. All I can ask of myself is to take everything in stride and do the best I can in that moment. It is impossible to stop every rising tide and sweeping stream. Sometimes all we can do is take a deep breath, muster a little courage and dive right in.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Weakness.

I have been writing an awful lot about friends lately. I like it. The people who are in my life right now are fantastic. To me, they are the definition of a kindred spirits. Historically my friendships come in waves. Often it feels like feast or famine, but currently I have reached a middle ground. I guess this is what happens when you allow others to take care of you and see your vulnerability.

For most of my life I have attempted to portray a strength and courage that I did not always posses. I have never liked feeling weak, but one of the many lessons I have learned this year is that weakness is not letting others in, it is trying to do it all on your own. Putting on an outward appearance of strength and hiding away your pain till it eats you from the inside out it true weakness. It is the people around me, my friends who over the past months that have made me truly strong. The ones that have prayed and let me cry and have simply made an effort.

True weakness is not knowing when to get help. True weakness is not helping when someone needs you. I am forever grateful to my friends, both old and new who have been there time and time again and showed me what true strength and courage is.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

War.

Just because you know what side will win the war does not mean you can avoid the battles. There have been many times that I know what the outcome will be, but I have to go through the tears and pain to get to the other side. I knew eventually I would stop crying myself to sleep and the gaping hole in my chest would start to close. In time each battle was won and each win made me stronger.

My constant prayer has been for me to gain strength and courage. To be able to handle the internal pressures and pain with grace, and put on a strong outward appearance. For the most part I have succeeded, with a few exceptions. Sometimes emotions are not meant to be held in.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for so many reasons and it has left me exhausted and drained. There are multiple people in my life that are hurting and the worst part about it is that there is nothing I can do. There are no words I can say to make everything better, no gift I can give to make up for the pain. I feel so helpless, and I hate it.

What I can do is offer up prayers. This week I feel like I have truly been praying without ceasing. I know this war will be won, and battle after battle prayer will carry us all through with strength and courage we did not know we possessed.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Opened doors.

Whenever I thought about being a teacher someday I always figured it would have something to do with art. So I have been pleasantly surprised with how much I am enjoying teaching Red Cross classes. It is so rewarding to pass on lifesaving skills to others. Over the past few months I have taught 3 lifeguard classes totaling about 40 students and today, a CPR class for 6 future nursing students.

img_0616If the wedding had gone as planned I don’t think I ever would have pursued getting my Lifeguard Instructor Certification and none of this would have been possible. I really count it as one of many doors God opened to show me my streingth and give me confidance. I hope I will be able to continue passing on my knowlage and help others achieve their goals for many years to come. As an instructor there is no greater pleasure than seeing your students pass and feel confidant in their skills.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I never knew.

A friend asked me to do a project for her, I am very excited and honored that she asked. Today I started some of the initial gathering of information before I dive in head first. I wrote down some verses that bring comfort, strength and courage. Many of the verses spoke to me, but a few stood out.

Psalm 119:25
I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word

Sometimes I am in disbelief over what this year has turned into. There are some things you only expect to happen in movies, so when it happens to you it takes a while for it to become real. I wish I could understand more about exactly where everything went wrong, but I think to trace it back would be pointless, after all, I would still be where I am. It is amazing how broken down I was compared to how strong and confident I am becoming.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians has played a huge roll in my recovery. I have found much comfort in its words. From day one it has been amazing the blanket of comfort I have received. Even more shocking to me is how I was able to help others so soon after facing my own troubles. God works in mysterious ways and I can not wait to see what he has in store for me next.

Psalm 119: 50
My comfort in my suffering is this: your promises preserves my life.

No where are we promised an easy life, there will be unknown struggles and pain. What we are promised is that God will be by our side no matter what. He will carry us through the hard times and celebrate alongside us in happy ones.

Everyday I am amazed of the small lessons I learn and the wisdom I gain. It is unfortunate that in order to get where I am going I had to lay low in the dust, but am becoming something much more than I ever imagined. Daily I am working to remember that it takes time to bring out the strength He is giving me, but someday I will have a new confidence that I never knew I could have.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Perspective.

Thankfully I have felt more emotionally stable lately. I’m not saying all is right with the world, but I feel like maybe time has begun to be kind to me. Hearing about wedding stuff still stings and seeing happy family everywhere I look is not necessarily easy, but I think I am beginning to find a better perspective.

I try think about how wonderful it will be someday when I am in the position to enjoy planning a wedding with a happy ending and having a family of my own. Someday I want to be able to tell my kids or nieces and nephews about this time in my life and not be ashamed that I spent it being jealous of everyone around me. Hopefully I can tell them that I faced each struggle with streingth, courage and determination.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Faith to dream. 

Let me get this out of the way, the main speaker at camp sounds like James Earl Jones and he has an incredible amount of energy. 

This morning he preached about redemption and how God can turn our vices into fruits of the spirit. He ended by reminding us that we need to continue to fill ourselves up with the Holy Spirit because we constantly pour it out of ourselves and into others. Over all a very powerful message. 

The evening service was an emotional roller coaster for me. I have said before that I know God is working in my life and has a plan for me, but in order to get there I had to get stronger. Apparently God wanted to really drive that idea home for me today. The main topic was having faith to dream and follow through on the plans God has for us. 

Throughout the Bible God talks to the faithful in the form of dreams. Noah, Abraham and Joseph all learned about the plan God had for them in dreams. For the past few months God has begun to place things in my heart. I honestly can’t tell you where I am being lead, but I know a plan has been set in motion. Now it is up to me to continue to be steadfast and courageous. 

The speaker closed the message with an altar call for those who have a dream that has been laid on their hearts. I went up. I have a dream, but unfortunately it is too raw for me to put into words. In Gods time he will show me where he needs me, and will get me through each struggle along the way. 

I cried a lot today. Sometimes it is simply too hard to hold in all the emotions and it becomes overwhelming. But I am resilient, strong and courageous and with God on my side, unstoppable. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.