A short week.

What is it about short weeks that feel so long. Despite today being a productive day, time seemed to go backward. One thing I am happy about is despite the not so fun week, I managed to not have much of a break down. In the past when I am tired and frustrated my emotions go out of control and I can not help but cry. My hope is that this weekend will be a chance for me to rest and reset for the upcoming week. To be honest I am not looking forward to what next week might be, but I refuse to give in to a potential bad week before it starts.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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No hair, don’t care.

I have been lazy lately and have not been running. I hate running when it is too hot, so I simply have not put in the effort. Today all that changed. When I got home from work all I wanted to do was sit on the couch like a lump, but instead I put on my running shoes and hit the road. I managed a slow three-mile run. Not amazing, but a pretty good way to get back in the game.

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At one point in my run I was coming up on a little boy and his mom. When the mom saw I was there she pulled the boy out-of-the-way, I was not really worried about passing them, but it was a nice gesture. I made sure to say thank you. As I was passed them I heard the little boy say he thought I was a boy because my hair is so short. I caught the very beginning of the mom saying that girls can have short hair too. I thought it was a cute exchange and I would have liked to hear the rest of the conversation, but on I went.

I read an article a few months ago about how so many women cut their hair after going through a break up as a way feel like they are regaining control of their lives. I guess I took it to the extreme, but who do I have to impress? I remember the amazing weight that was lifted off my shoulders as I stood in my parents bathroom taking scissors to my hair. It was a horrible scraggly cut, but at the time all that mattered was that it was gone. Over the next few months my hair got shorter and shorter until we got to the point it is at now.

Personally, I sometimes forget my hair is so short. I guess it is out of sight, out of mind. The ease of such short hair is amazing. Sometimes I wonder why I spent so many years putting up with my long curly hair and I think of all that wasted time dealing with humidity and hair ties! Now, give me a good set of buzzers and a hat for when it gets cold and I am set!

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Before.

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like before. Before I was left at the altar, before we got engaged or celebrated our one year anniversary. Before a summer of going to triathlons. Before I met him. The end of April would have been two years together, but we actually met a few months before that. It feels like he was in my life longer then that, but he was not. Most of the memories are happy, but when I look back on them they have a dark cloud looming in the distance.

I am not sure why I look back, it is impossible for me to ever be that person again. Honestly I do not think it is possible to be the same person I was yesterday. Every day you learn and grow take in the good and try to leave behind the bad. The goal for tomorrow is to be better than you were today, to face the same or new challenges wiser. I know all of that is just a theory and it takes a controlled environment to test the validity of a theory. The unfortunate truth is we do not live in anything that could be considered controlled, but that does not have to stop us from attempting to be a better person every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Control.

With winter hanging on so far into spring the walls have started to come in on me. There are so many things out of my control, so I am trying to focus on what I can influence. I can not control the weather, but I can remember that summer is on the way. I can not control feeling sick, but I can do my best to take care of myself. I can not control the insanity at work, but I can help when needed.

Control is something that I like to have. I do not enjoy feeling like I have no influence over my surroundings. I think my current situation has helped me look at many things in a different way. Everything in my life changed in an instant. I wish I could say I was as instantly a better person, but I still have many problems to work out.

I have high hopes that summer will come soon and be a revitalizing time. Hopefully it will be full of adventures and leaves me with a sense of control. I know that every day I am learning more about myself and my place in the world. Eventually, I pray to have a better sense of direction and to feel like I can start to live the life I am meant to have.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.