Before.

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like before. Before I was left at the altar, before we got engaged or celebrated our one year anniversary. Before a summer of going to triathlons. Before I met him. The end of April would have been two years together, but we actually met a few months before that. It feels like he was in my life longer then that, but he was not. Most of the memories are happy, but when I look back on them they have a dark cloud looming in the distance.

I am not sure why I look back, it is impossible for me to ever be that person again. Honestly I do not think it is possible to be the same person I was yesterday. Every day you learn and grow take in the good and try to leave behind the bad. The goal for tomorrow is to be better than you were today, to face the same or new challenges wiser. I know all of that is just a theory and it takes a controlled environment to test the validity of a theory. The unfortunate truth is we do not live in anything that could be considered controlled, but that does not have to stop us from attempting to be a better person every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Control.

With winter hanging on so far into spring the walls have started to come in on me. There are so many things out of my control, so I am trying to focus on what I can influence. I can not control the weather, but I can remember that summer is on the way. I can not control feeling sick, but I can do my best to take care of myself. I can not control the insanity at work, but I can help when needed.

Control is something that I like to have. I do not enjoy feeling like I have no influence over my surroundings. I think my current situation has helped me look at many things in a different way. Everything in my life changed in an instant. I wish I could say I was as instantly a better person, but I still have many problems to work out.

I have high hopes that summer will come soon and be a revitalizing time. Hopefully it will be full of adventures and leaves me with a sense of control. I know that every day I am learning more about myself and my place in the world. Eventually, I pray to have a better sense of direction and to feel like I can start to live the life I am meant to have.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.