Tired of being tired

If you see a zombie wandering around, it might be me. I have almost reached a month of not enough sleep. I have no problem with the actual sleeping, more an issue of falling asleep. At first I thought it was just a fluke and would pass, now I just want it to go away. The last time I had problems sleeping it was due to an irrational fear of endings. Even as I was dealing with it I knew it was a silly fear, yet no matter what I did it stayed for quite a while. Currently, I am clueless as to what is causing my inability to fall asleep. Whatever it is, can stop any time.

 

Although I can not pinpoint an exact cause, I do have a few theories. Probably my issues stem from a combination of stress and over thinking. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to feel better and stronger I forget that these things take time. I wish I could wiggle my nose and make so many changes, but I know that is impossible. At times I feel spread so thin I am not sure what I should do and I never seem to achieve as much as I would like. All around me I see people moving forward and gaining speed with their lives, and here I sit still so unsure.

I have found that after I write a post about a problem my brain somehow finds a way to reach a state of equilibrium. My fingers are crossed that writing this post will have a similar effect, because let me tell you, I am so tired of being tired.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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The type of day I needed.

Everyday is one step closer to healing, yet sometimes I have a difficult time remembering that. The struggles I once had are a thing of the past and new ones have replaced them. Sometimes I skim through my old posts and am amazed at how far I have come. At one time it truly felt impossible to hold the tears in, now most of the time I feel no need to cry.

It has been forever since I have had a day that I did not feel like anything had to get done. Despite that fact I had a relatively productive day. I did a little cleaning and organizing, but most importantly I relaxed. Sometimes my biggest fear is if I relax for too long everything will rush back at me and I will simply sit crying all day. Thankfully today that was not the case, it was the type of day I needed to reset and be ready for the next challenge.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Exploding kittens.

This evening I went out of my comfort zone. Usually I am a home body and will come up with any excuse to not go out, but today I was determined to follow through on the plan and hang out with friends. Most of the day I was tired and all I wanted to do was go home, but I refused to let myself be the person that canceled last-minute.

Now, let me explain what I mean by “going out”, it was dinner, a movie and a game at a friend’s house. It was nothing crazy or out there, and I am so glad that I went. One of my friends I have known for a long time, we have so many teenage memories to reminisce about the conversation is never lacking. The other is a new friendship, it is slightly eerie how similar our humor is and I am enjoying the prospect of an amazing friendship. I can see us being a trio creating many memories together in the future.

Dinner was tacos, which was fitting because it is National Taco Day. The movie was “Wonder Woman” and I think we talked more than we watched. The cherry on top of the evening was the game Exploding Kittens. It is a game that is completely backward from almost every other game I have ever played and it was amazing. Most of your strategy is pure luck and somehow I won. Throughout the evening we laughed and had so much fun.

After everything I have been through I find myself valuing people who are willing to spend time with me despite the potential of spontaneous (or not so spontaneous) tears. It is also wonderful to be around people who have a comprehension of what I am going through and can lend a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear.

I am sure that I will forever be a homebody, but it is nice to have wonderful evenings like this to remind me that there is no gain without taking a step outside of your comfort zone. Not to mention taking the chance that the next card might just be an exploding kitten.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time and faith.

There is still a strange ache somewhere inside of me. A lot of the time it creeps up and it goes unnoticed until it feels all-consuming. Today was a day like that, actually the past few weeks have been filled with these days. At the beginning an ache like this would have me crippled feeling hopeless and crying myself to sleep. Now I feel pain but am able to work through it.

Someday I wonder when it will stop, I tell myself over and over again that eventually an end must come. At this point all I have is wishful thinking and encouragement from others who have been down their own painful paths. I am constantly encouraged and grateful for their willingness to share their stories with me. They are examples of how with time and faith a happy ending is possible.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Today.

After all that has happened today in America I feel guilty saying that I had a great day. It never ceases to amaze me how each person’s perception of a day can be so different. True last night I did not sleep very well, but for some reason I was able to function close my normal standard. For me today felt like it went pretty fast and for the most part I was productive.

With all this being said I of course felt for Las Vegas and the many people affected. For the overall country it was another horrible day in history. Honestly, this had been a pretty rough few months for Americans. Between natural disasters and the shooting today there has been a lot of trauma and loss. No part of a tragedy is good, but the way people come together in the aftermath always helps to restore my faith in humanity. Hearing stories of people coming together to help those in need shows me that not all is lost.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Faced as a team.

Today was one of those horrible terrible no good very bad days that come along every once in a while. I am so thankful that everyone stepped up and got things done. Some how bad days of work never seem as unbearable when they are faced as a team. We all worked hard and came out on top. Our reward is two days without work, and this week it was well-earned.

Rough days like this make it hard to come home to an empty house. True there are two cats who were more than willing to cuddle with me and make me feel loved, but they lack the ability to empathize with me over days like today. There were a few times throughout the day all I wanted was to have someone special to send a message of frustration and get a word of encouragement back. I guess things like that will go on the growing list of things I will appreciate so much more than I did in the past when my next relationship comes along.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A trio of women.

I was feeling very lonely a while ago, but it feels like in the blink of an eye I have a people coming out of the wood work. Well, maybe that is over exaggerating a little, but I am excited none the less. I have been so very blessed by this amazing trio of women that have been making me feel so wonderful. Each I met in different ways and at different times in my life.

One is an old friendship that never truly stopped, but lately we have been communicating more and more. Thank goodness for social media! We meet long ago as teenagers and have reconnected a few times over the years, but lately I feel like we have rekindled what we once had long ago. I hope that our stream of communication continues and our friendship grows

The next is an amazing girl that I have not known for long but we were instant kindred spirits. I met her for a little over a year, and what a year it has been. In that time we both planned weddings, and fortunately hers had a wonderful outcome. We drifted apart because of busyness and uncooperative schedules, but lately we have been making plans and chatting. I am thankful to have her in my life once again.

Last but never least, is a new acquaintance that I met through a friend. She is the fiancée of a guy I feel like I have known forever. She recently moved to the area and I think she appreciates my craziness. We both have a love of movies and are creative people. We have a few things in the works and I hope we continue to build a lasting friendship.

Each of these women are so unique and bring out different strengths in me. I am so very thankful and grateful that they have come into my life and are willing to put up with me. I hope the future holds more time together, lots of conversations and more fun then we ever knew was possible.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Things.

Over the past few days I have thought of many things that I have thought of before. I have gone over conversations and come up with new witty come backs I should have said. In my head I ranted and raved conversations I would have with him today if I could. I know none of it will get me anywhere, but still day after day I catch myself run through these things in my head.

You never expect to have to defend yourself about your wedding choices and relationship days before the big day. Never would you think that the biggest betrayal would be from the person you thought you would spend your life with. The person who said they love you and want to marry you should never make you feel unwanted.

Although I have come so far there are some things that are still difficult to understand. Truthfully I am not sure there are answers that would satisfy me. Right now God is still working on healing and showing me how to move forward. Someday I hope I can look back on this time in my life and say that this was the time that set me on the path to become who I was meant to be.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The last hike of August.

I am loving my Saturday hikes. They give me a chance to relax and see things from a different perspective. Being on trials is my reset button from all the emotions and stress that creeps in over the week. No matter how hard I try it seems to be impossible to not experience some level of frustration over the unexpected path my life has taken. When I am on the trails I choose the path, and I always try to choose the one less traveled.

Today I went further than I had anticipated, somewhere around 8 miles. The trails were so peaceful I did not want to stop, but unfortunately the days are getting shorter so I knew I wanted to be home long before it got dark. I am sad to say that beautifully sunny weekends are numbered. There were more colorful fall leaves on the ground today than I had anticipated. It was a little bitter-sweet. They are so beautiful, but I am not ready to let go of warm sunny days.

For a while today I sat on the sunny bank of the river with my journal catching up on past hikes and documenting a bit of today. While I was there a father was playing with his young children in the water. It was fun to hear their excitement over finding little creatures under rocks. As much as I enjoy empty trails, sometimes it is fun to watch others enjoy the day.

Today was the last hike of August, but I know September will hold more adventures and I can not wait to see what happens.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.