More miles behind me. 

Lately I haven’t been running as much as I should be. I find that running helps me to find balance and let my body release some of its “I work at a desk job” energy. When I am on a run I am able to process things with more clarity. It is an amazing form of stress relief for when the walls are closing in on me. If I want to think, I can. If I want to forget the world, that is possible too. When I am on a run everything feels possible.

Concentrating on putting one foot in front of another, knowing that every step takes me closer to the goal is such an empowering feeling. I know how great I feel emotionally after a run, yet for some reason I have not been taking as much time to run as I should. I need to make more of an effort to get out more consistently and put many more miles behind me.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Hang in there!

I know by now I should not be surprised when something so simple comes into my life at the perfect moment. Today on my hike I came across a simple rock with the words “Hang in there!” written on it. It was as if it was there just for me. A part of me wanted to take the rock home with me, but I decided a picture was enough and I would leave the words of encouragement for the next person who needed to be reminded that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with.

Over all I am doing so much better than I could have hoped, but sometimes things still feel like they are too much for me to handle. This weekend was difficult because I had to go through some boxes of wedding decorations. I spent months collecting and making things so everything would be perfect. Sadly many of my favorite things made their way to the garbage, after all, personalized cake toppers and tie clips have little value. I wanted so badly to be able to handle it all without tears, but sometimes no matter how hard you try to hold them back the tears come.

Some days I need to remember that it is alright to simply “Hang in there!”. Better days are coming and I need to do my best to remember that.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

All I can do is have faith.

There are days that I wish I could fast forward through the waves of pain and frustration. It would be so nice to finally move on and not feel like I have a cloud looming over me. I know that fast forwarding would not solve my problems and I would never be the person I am meant to be without taking everything, good and bad, one step at a time. I wish I could see the future so I knew everything I am dealing with now leads to a happy ending, but all I can do is have faith.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Before I open the door.

I find myself drawn to the in-between moments more and more, the few minutes that anything feels possible. My favorite right now is right after you have driven somewhere and turned off the car, but not gotten out yet. I know it sounds silly. To me, in that moment it feels like there are endless possibilities. I could get out and go on with my day or I could sit there for just a little longer feeling safe and removed from the world around me.

In that short moment I can let my mind spiral out of control and rein it in before I open the door. Sometimes I try to drag out the in-between moment until I feel too foolish and get out of the car. My neighbors probably thought I was crazy for sitting in my car far too long a few times. In all reality, they are probably right, but at the moment it is one thing that helps me get through the day and hold myself together.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Buying new shoes is scary. 

I tried on so many shoes today.  It was horrible, but worth it. We went to the outlet mall close to where my brother lives and every shoe store was ridiculously busy. My dad and I were dodging and weaving as we grabbed shoes from the racks. I have no clue how many shoes I looked at but I walked away with three pairs. Two for running and one for work. 

Although I have walked so much this weekend and went for a decent run yesterday, I still had to test out a pair of my new shoes. It was just a short run, but I was excited I finished with minimal foot pain. After my last new running shoe fiasco it was great to finish and have my feet feel great. Time will tell, but I see some long runs in my new shoes in the near future!

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I never knew.

A friend asked me to do a project for her, I am very excited and honored that she asked. Today I started some of the initial gathering of information before I dive in head first. I wrote down some verses that bring comfort, strength and courage. Many of the verses spoke to me, but a few stood out.

Psalm 119:25
I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word

Sometimes I am in disbelief over what this year has turned into. There are some things you only expect to happen in movies, so when it happens to you it takes a while for it to become real. I wish I could understand more about exactly where everything went wrong, but I think to trace it back would be pointless, after all, I would still be where I am. It is amazing how broken down I was compared to how strong and confident I am becoming.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians has played a huge roll in my recovery. I have found much comfort in its words. From day one it has been amazing the blanket of comfort I have received. Even more shocking to me is how I was able to help others so soon after facing my own troubles. God works in mysterious ways and I can not wait to see what he has in store for me next.

Psalm 119: 50
My comfort in my suffering is this: your promises preserves my life.

No where are we promised an easy life, there will be unknown struggles and pain. What we are promised is that God will be by our side no matter what. He will carry us through the hard times and celebrate alongside us in happy ones.

Everyday I am amazed of the small lessons I learn and the wisdom I gain. It is unfortunate that in order to get where I am going I had to lay low in the dust, but am becoming something much more than I ever imagined. Daily I am working to remember that it takes time to bring out the strength He is giving me, but someday I will have a new confidence that I never knew I could have.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A second half.

Weeks like this make me wish I had a second half to help take up the slack. Someone to help do the dishes and to vent to after a difficult day. Someone who could make me feel more confident when I feel defeated. This week certainly had some unexpected ups and downs, but over all it could have been worse. I wish I could have gotten more done at home, but sometimes that is not what is important. Hopefully this weekend will go smoothly and give me an opportunity to get more done than expected, crazier things have happened.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Anchors.

On Sunday evening the camp speaker used an illustration of an old sailer talking to a young one about handling storms. Each time the old sailer asked the young one what he would do if a storm came up the young one said he would throw out an anchor. The old one would ask again and again and the young sailer always had the same answer. Finally the old sailer asked where all the anchors were coming from, the young man replied the same place all your storms are. We never know how many storms we will face in our life, but God always has an anchor for each one that comes our way.

My brain is a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now. I have enjoyed my time off so much. There were many wonderful moments created over the past four days, but there were also some very difficult ones. The last few months I have overcome many emotional struggles, this weekend showed that there are still more to go. God has supplied me with many anchors to help me through my storms. Some came in unexpected forms, but there has always been something to help to steady me when I needed it. The things I have faced are beyond my ability to handle alone, I am so very thankful that I do not have to.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday. 

Fish bowl.

When something horrible happens in our lives it seems like the world should stop and morn with us. For the most part you understand, after all you are not the center of the universe. Still, it hurts that the everything continues on without you. The world spins, the days pass by and people move on with their lives

It feel like you are stuck in a fish bowl longing to be moving forward with the rest to the world. In time you find your way out of the place you are stuck and begin to move. Most of the time you move forward, sometimes it feels like you are on Willy Wonka’s elevator going every which way possible. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to crawl back in the safe space and take a break, but time has taught it is better to take the leap of faith and see what adventures await you. After all, if you never take a chance you will only miss out.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.