Page by page.

It is not often that I start a book and never finish it. I have forced myself page by page through many a horrible book, but there is one book I am not sure I will ever be able to pick up again. It is not because I lost it or it was a horrible book. It was not an amazing read which was why it was perfect to be reading while planning a wedding. I can not remember the last day I read it, probably February 8 or 9. Sometimes I think about picking it up again, but I can honestly say at this point I don’t really care how it ends.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time Machine.

If it were possible to go back in time I would not want to correct a mistake. The way we overcome the struggles of our life is what makes us the person we are becoming. I would much rather visit a happy time. A bad point in my life will always be bad, attempting to fix it is a silly expectation. On the other had a high point can always be enjoyed again, if not made better.

There are so many amazing times in my life I would like to re-visit, I don’t know how I could ever pick just one. There were days spent hiking and summiting high peaks with friends. Lazy days wondering around museums. A weekend spend helping a former professor turned friend. Summers at camp when time seemed to flow differently. A birthday ruined by snow that turned into a perfect escape from reality. The first time I read my favorite book, or late nights with new friends freshman year of collage.

Not long after some of these points in my life the people who made them special disappeared. Somehow this doesn’t change the moment. Right now I am trying my best to only think of the good things, remembering past pain is not worth it at the best of times, let alone the worst. Fortunately a time machine does not exist so I do not have to make a choice as to where I would go, but that does not mean I can not revisit so many wonderful memories when I am feeling lost and alone.

The bad days may help define us, but holding onto the hopes and joys of the good days is what matters.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Happy endings.

Sometimes when I get to a sad part of a book I am re-reading I contemplate skipping to when the characters are happy. In the past I have taken this route, but lately it feels like the wrong decision. Books are meant to show us we too can overcome the impossible and concur out fears. Whether the book is fiction or nonfiction there is always a trial that must be faced and the growth that takes place to get to the happy ending is what really matters.

If it wasn’t for the pain and struggle we would never relate to characters as we read. I, for one have my favorite books that I have read more times than I care to admit. Some I am drawn to seasonally, for example in the winter I always want to read the Little House books, the last few are my favorite. Some are emotional reads that I turn to when I need to be reminded that I can get through whatever frustration or pain I am facing.

I am so thankful for the world I find in books and that they are always ready to take me on an adventure. Maybe someday the books I turn to after a love lost will no longer be needed. For now I will take hold of my beloved characters and let them remind me that even after great pain happy endings exist.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Where is my fairytale? The one where Prince Charming ended up being not so charming and leaves her after promising the world. The one that the princess finds her way through the pain to rise above to be stronger and better than ever. The one that shows there will be happiness again.

I grew up in a society that teaches girls that he will fight a dragon to save her, go door to door with a glass slipper and he will never give up. Girls are taught to look past appearances, to see the prince behind the beast, that love will conquer all. What we sometimes fail to remember is that we don’t live in the safety of a fairytale. It doesn’t always end in a happily ever after.

Don’t get me wrong, I love fairytales. I still have every hope in the world that I will find my Prince Charming. Hopefully instead of him fighting the dragon for me, we will help each other. Instead of me being the only one to look past a rough exterior, I hope he looks past my own struggles to see the best of me. Someday, I will still get my happily ever after. What can I say, I want it all.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Comfort blanket.

You know how there is that thing that you watch, eat or do during hard times. I must admit I have a few, and this time I can’t settle on a single one. I bounce between my favorite shows and movies. Some I have watched more times then I can count.

So many of my “comfort” shows I shared with him, or at least tried to. Every once and a while I get to an episode that triggers a memory that is too much for me, that is when I know it’s time to try something new.

Reading doesn’t seem to appeal to me at the moment, but I should search for a good book to get lost in. An adventure in a far off land would be sure to distract me. I would appreciate any suggestions.

I find that sitting still is never a good thing. I like to keep myself on the move. I have been slacking on my running/walking. Logging some serious miles is on my list of things to start doing. I’ve been toying with the concept of training for a half marathon, but that may be a little beyond my ambition at the moment.

Fortunately I always have my cats. I know, such a cat lady thing to say, but it’s true. They have a kind of cat-dar that zones in on me when I am particularly sad. I don’t know what I would do with out them.

Right now I’m not sure anything is supposed to take away that hole in my heart and make me feel better. At the moment I think I just need to take it all one step at a time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.