A book in hand.

I love to read, I always have. There was a time that I never went anywhere without a book, now it is more likely to sit by my bed than leave my apartment. Unfortunately, I find it easy to let too much time pass without a book in hand. There are few tasks that can be done while reading, so I end up having a tv show or movie going while I paint, or cook, or eat. This weekend I tried to make reading a priority. I read myself to sleep, relaxing in my hammock and I even managed to read a few pages while I ate.

One of my New Year’s goals was to read more. We are almost half way through the year and I can sadly say I am not doing so well, but I have not lost hope that I can make reading a habit once again.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Content.

For the last 21 days I have been working through a devotional journal that will take a total of 100 days to complete. Each page is full of God’s promises to us and has challenged me to reflect on my own life. I have been so inspired by how others are using this journal, that it pushes me to dig deeper into each promise He has given us.

img_6011Today the topic was about being content. This is something that I have been struggling with a lot with lately. I look around me and see where others are in their life, too often I it makes me feel disappointed and frustrated with my own. I know that these feelings should not bring me down, yet at every turn they do. It feels like each stranger that I meet has it figured out. Logically I know that is far from the truth, but these irrational thoughts eat at me more than I’d like to admit.

I do my best to look at the good things in my life. The small successes and the great future He has set before me. Each day I try my best to be content in what I have, and not long for what I want, but unfortunately I struggle daily. I am a work in progress, and hopefully tomorrow I will be more content than today.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The last page.

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Finishing a book is always bitter-sweet, especially if it is a good book. It is always difficult to leave the characters behind. With each passing page you got to know them and for a time became a part of their world. The closer to the end you get the more worried you are about leaving them behind, but at the same time you want to continue the adventure together and find out how it ends.

For me I never feel like the story is complete. What happened after the happily ever after? How did the characters face their next struggle? Did happily ever after actually live up to its intention? There are so many unanswered questions, but of course the story had to end. Authors do such an amazing job creating these worlds and I am sure that even after the last page is read that the story is meant to live on in each reader.

When you reach the last page for a moment you are heartbroken and wonder how any other book will ever compare, but of course you know this will not be the last literary adventure you will go on. Before long a new book will be in your hand sweeping you off to another place and making you fall in love with new characters. Hopefully it is a vicious cycle with no end.

Now to figure out my next adventure.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Page by page.

It is not often that I start a book and never finish it. I have forced myself page by page through many a horrible book, but there is one book I am not sure I will ever be able to pick up again. It is not because I lost it or it was a horrible book. It was not an amazing read which was why it was perfect to be reading while planning a wedding. I can not remember the last day I read it, probably February 8 or 9. Sometimes I think about picking it up again, but I can honestly say at this point I don’t really care how it ends.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

200 days.

I remember reading a book as a kid that was written by someone who survived being buried in an avalanche. When they stopped rolling they were covered by an unknown amount of snow and they did not know what way was up. The person in the book started crying, the tears showed them what direction they were facing. Gravity was pulling each tear toward the ground, so they knew the opposite direction was the way to safety. I have no clue the name of the book or the author, honestly until 200 days ago I had not thought much about it since I read it.

200 days ago I was sitting in a big comfy chair at my parents. It was a Monday, my dad was home sick and I was two days out from the worst day I could have possibly imagined. I felt like I was buried in an abundance of unknown and had no idea what way was up. Trust me, there had been plenty of tears over the previous days, and there have been plenty since and I am sure they helped to show me the way up.

What I thought on that Monday, in that big comfy chair was how much I dreaded the questions. If my almost wedding day showed anything it was that a lot of people loved and cared for me. I will forever be grateful to each person, but I dreaded the stream of loving questions about how I was doing. I knew each of you truly cared and wanted to know, but I was not sure how I would ever answer. My solution was to start write down my emotions and thoughts, to begin this blog.

Starting this blog was the best decision I ever made. Never did I dream I would be sitting in a different chair 200 days later with a cat purring encouragingly as I once again cry while pouring myself into these digital pages. I remember painstakingly trying to come up with a blog name that could transcend my recovery process into whatever my future held. I remember how broken and weak I was and how the future terrified me.

Slowly, with the help of words, prayers and faith I have been finding my way to the surface. I am still not on solid ground, but I am getting there. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been good days and bad. I have laughed, I have cried. Every day I learn more and every day I hope the next will be easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each person who reads these words. I hope at one point or another something that I write will touch your heart and help you through a struggle of your own. The encouragement I get with each like and comment means more to me than I can express. I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to read.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Change.

As every season passes I have a difficult time not dwelling on what I do not have. Sometimes I feel surrounded by fading reminders of what is no longer. It is crazy how long shadows of our past haunt us, fortunately not all the shadows are bad. I often remind myself that just because something ended in disaster does not mean the journey was not worth it. Change is not all bad as long as you look at the new opportunities that it brings and not the fear.

Right now I am not ready for the weather to turn into fall. I feel like I finally got used to summer and suddenly everything is changing. On the other hand fall brings with it new adventures that I look forward to every year. There are few thing better than curling up on the couch on a cool day with a blanket and a good book or movie. I look forward to cooler weather for longer runs and deeper sleeps. Soon the leaves will change for beautiful hikes and colorful adventures.

The stronger me knows that good things are coming.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time Machine.

If it were possible to go back in time I would not want to correct a mistake. The way we overcome the struggles of our life is what makes us the person we are becoming. I would much rather visit a happy time. A bad point in my life will always be bad, attempting to fix it is a silly expectation. On the other had a high point can always be enjoyed again, if not made better.

There are so many amazing times in my life I would like to re-visit, I don’t know how I could ever pick just one. There were days spent hiking and summiting high peaks with friends. Lazy days wondering around museums. A weekend spend helping a former professor turned friend. Summers at camp when time seemed to flow differently. A birthday ruined by snow that turned into a perfect escape from reality. The first time I read my favorite book, or late nights with new friends freshman year of collage.

Not long after some of these points in my life the people who made them special disappeared. Somehow this doesn’t change the moment. Right now I am trying my best to only think of the good things, remembering past pain is not worth it at the best of times, let alone the worst. Fortunately a time machine does not exist so I do not have to make a choice as to where I would go, but that does not mean I can not revisit so many wonderful memories when I am feeling lost and alone.

The bad days may help define us, but holding onto the hopes and joys of the good days is what matters.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.