Appreciating every moment of now.

I was walking down a trail heading back to my car today and something hit me. I was sweaty and smelly, tired and hungry and I was suddenly so proud of myself. Pretty much every weekend all summer long I have gone on adventures. I have hiked trail after trail and found a few magical places and I have learned so much about myself.

In the past I always wanted a summer like this, weekends spent outside, not being scared to make memories by myself. I always thought this would be the life I would have when I was with someone, I guess in some ways I put my life on hold waiting to not be alone. Not to say there are not many, many times this summer that I wish I had someone by my side, but I guess I have finally realized that putting off doing what I love does nothing to help me grow and become a better person.

Someday I hope I will have someone excited to hike trail after trail with me and make memories that will mean so much to both of us. At the moment that idea is just a flicker of hope in the distance that I will continue moving toward while appreciating every moment of now.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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Friday. 

The past few weeks have been busy, and my temper has gotten short. But today I did not have to deal with any of it. Sometimes it is important to have a few days off from your normal routine to give you a chance to breath. Instead of work, I hiked. It was a park I had never been to with beautiful views I had never seen.

The day was a perfect way to hit reset on my temper so I can be ready for whatever comes my way. 

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Out and about.

Today I did not follow my normal pattern. After work I did not drive home and fill my evening hours with this and that. Instead I went to the pool. I did not swim as far as I had anticipated, but that is ok. What I did do was talk to a wonderful lady who was swimming in the lane next to me. We talked about swimming, a bit about our jobs and some of life. I gave her some tips to save her hair from chlorine, which I know is ironic since I currently have no hair, but trust me, I know my stuff. It was wonderful to have a (mostly) non-work related conversation with a stranger.

After I left the pool I went to the store. I bought myself a sub, pulled out my inkDori and spent a little bit of time not eating on my couch. Writing some in my journal was great. I do not make enough time for it. There is always an excuse, but I need to stop making them and simply write more. After writing I did some shopping and headed home proud of my evening out.

The moral of my day is that sometimes it is good to go out of your routine and take a chance on enjoying a different kind of day. After all, you never know what wonderful adventures you will end up having.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Perceived time.

Perceived time versus actual time is such a strange thing to consider. There are so many things, good and bad that feel like they happened just yesterday. In reality, yesterday was a normal, busy day at work that had nothing extraordinary about it. Sometimes I have to actually think about how much time has passed to get me to the point I am. It has been months and months, yet more often than not it really feels like it all happened yesterday.

This week flew by in a flurry of long, busy, exhausting days that were gone in a flash. I used to dread weeks passing quickly because weekends were the most difficult. Two days of empty time with no one to help fill them. Now I look forward to every weekend. A few days that I can sleep late, get things done and take off on an adventure. I still wish someone was around to help me fill the time, but unlike before the being alone does not terrify me.

Time truly is an amazing thing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Packing.

I am pretty sure that my body and mind clocked out sometime yesterday because today has been a struggle. I forced myself out of bed and to work and somehow got myself through the day. Around noon I was extremely thankful for my forethought of getting so much done on Monday. The good thing is I know everything at work is in capable hands leaving me with a few worry free days off.

Packing for a vacation is the worst. Somehow I never feel ready to go. There is always something that needs to be done before I leave and the list doesn’t seem to shrink. I feel like most of the big stuff is taken care of, work, the cats, a relatively clean apartment. All that is left is things that would be beneficial like finishing up the dishes. Hopefully I walk out the door with everything I need ready and prepared for a wonderful, and much-needed time away.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Bitter-sweet.

Time off is still a little bitter-sweet. I find myself thinking of how I would have used my vacation if we were still together. It is still so strange to remember that I am just a me. It has been a while since I caught myself in a moment that I went to messaged him something about my day. To go from talking to someone every day to silence is such an odd feeling. Whoever said that silence is deafening was dead on in their reasoning.

So far this week has been an odd in-between. The past month has been a series of ups and downs and now I am anticipating my long weekend filled with family time. So far this week I have done my best to get ahead at work so I can leave for a few days and not feel like I have left a mess for others to deal with. There are still a few loose ends I need to tie up, but in just a few days I will be on the road without a care in the world.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Ready to take on the world! 

It is serendipitous that I have a short vacation planned for the end of next week, because I am in need of few days off. The past few months have been a good busy and a roller coaster of emotions. It has worn me down. I had a lot of amazing experiences teaching classes, volunteering and working on some new projects, but it is time to hit a reset button and come back fresh and ready to take on the world!

July has been a crazy month. It started out with many tears, but I feel like I hit a point of strength that I had been building up to. I am 100% sure that difficult days are not gone, but every day is truly feeling easier. For example, this weekend I was asked multiple times how my wedding was and I didn’t cry once when answering. It truly is amazing how strong you can become with time, when you use bad experiences to teach you not harden you.

I am truly looking forward to an August, full of new adventures and hopefully a lot more sleep.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A new adventure.

Often God reassures our insecurities in ironic ways. I have toyed with moving forward with an adventure for a month or so, but in the last few weeks I feel like God has been pushing me forward from so many sides. Everything combined has given me a huge amount of confidence and I hope will lead to many exciting things. I spent most of today taking a step in the planning. There is some preparation that needs to be done and more time needs to be invested before I will say too much more.

Right now I would really appreciate prayer. I feel good about what I have done so far and I know deep down this is a path I am meant to take.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

New territory.

This morning I woke up and felt like I had entered new territory. It is amazing how one day I can feel like an emotional wreck, and the next be ready to take on whatever challenges came my way, and trust me, there were plenty of challenges. This week work has had some moments of pure frustration. I do my best to stay calm, but I am not always successful. As always tomorrow is a new day full of adventure and challenges all its own. I am hoping for more adventure and less challenge.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Sand castle.

My heart ached today, worse than it has in months. I tried to tell myself today was just another day, but before I got out of bed I had already started crying. I did my best to pull myself together, but I felt numb all day. I remember this night six months ago. The night that was supposed to be my wedding night, but instead I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be brave and strong that day. I am so thankful I did not have to face it alone. The support I got that day and every day since has been a bigger blessing than I can express.

Sometimes I think of what I lost. I thought he was my best friend, and my confidant. I thought he would be the father of my children and we would grow old together. I thought we had a relationship that would stand the test of time. What I did not see was we were not building a strong relationship of brick and stone on solid ground. It was a sand castle waiting for a wave to come and wash it away. The wave came and left behind nothing but the sand we started with.

I don’t know what is coming next, but I stand firm that whatever it is will be amazing. In the great words of Miss. Frizzle, it is time to “take chances, make mistakes and get messy.”

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.