Guilt free smiles.

I find that I am smiling more. Really smiling, not forcing myself to feel happy or putting on a brave face. It has been a liberating feeling. At the same time my happiness is little odd. Every once and a while it confuses me why it feels strange to be happy. I guess it’s been such a long time since I was truly and independently happy. Even before the end, the stress was eating me alive and changing my perspective.

When everything was falling apart I couldn’t imagine every being happy without him. Looking back at what happened and what could have been between us, I can’t imagine being happy with him. I’m sure there would have been wonderful moments and good memories still to come, but in time I fear it all would have been overshadowed by a dark cloud. Right now, that dark cloud is in my past.

A month ago, I judged my recovery on how many minutes between the desire to cry. Then it went to hours, and we are quickly coming to days. When I think of all I have been though it still hurts as much as ever, but the raw edges are slowing healing and I am starting to find my way with more confidence. Every week that passes is a week that I am that much stronger and closer to a happy future with plenty of guilt free smiles to come.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

I am not alone

Unbeknownst to me God was leading me to 2 Corinthians from day one of this horrible ordeal. I’m not foolish enough to ignore the signs so that is where I have been meditating. From chapter one I was shocked by the messages Paul wrote, I that felt they were written just for me. I know the people of Corinth were not going through a rough break up, but the advice they were given has been invaluable to me.

We stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God
2 Corinthians 1:9

So many of the passages confirm what I knew in my heart. The deeper I go in 2 Corinthians, the more I connect the dots and find peace. It never ceases to amaze me how a book written so long ago continues to have such a real and true presence in the world and rings true to the problems of today.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4

One of the most uplifting experiences that has happened over the last month, is the comfort I have found in others. Many of these people have been through similar relationship problems, and each time they share a piece of their stories with me I feel like I can face my own struggles. In my short time dealing with the pain of an end, I too have been able to help others. It is encouraging to know that I am not the only one dealing with these feelings, and I will not be the only one to make it to the other side stronger and wiser.

The Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
2 Corinthians 3:17

It is amazing the freedom that comes when you give it all to God. For me I felt like I had no other option. I knew I was not strong enough to handle this situation on my own, no matter how many people I had to support me. If you were to look back in the sand as I go along the beach there would only be one set of footprints. I am being carried and supported, and I take comfort in in that. It is never showing weakness to accept help.

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow.
2 Corinthians 7:10

We are only ever given what we can handle and nothing good or bad is not given to us without a reason. I have a long way to go before I know a reason for my pain and sorrow, but I do not regret it. There is a lesson to be learned from every experience as long as we take the time to look at the good, and not dwell on the bad.

I still have far to go and I know 2 Corinthians has much to teach me, but I also know that I am not alone.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Acceptance.

I’m not sure I have moved past my recovery, but at least I have reached acceptance, or at least am somewhere in between. I can’t change what happened, even if I could I don’t know that I would.

Just because I accept it, does not make the pain any lighter.

Most days I can get through the day without thinking too much about him. Every once in a while I pick up my phone to text him and remember I can’t do that any more. The last bit of a run I often wonder how he will analyze what I have done, then I remember I will never know.

Some days I wonder how he is handling everything. It was his decision, but it changed both of our lives.

For whatever reason I had to live through this experience. Someday I will have to draw on the strength I continue to develop. God has a bigger plan for me then I could have ever imagined. Someday I will look back and understand. For now I will continue to take each day as it come and become stronger every second.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.