A shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes the biggest leaps are made when we have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Although my situation is not as uncommon as I once thought, it is still not something that most people have experienced. Beyond that, each situation is vastly different, yet somehow shockingly the same. Each person who has been through an extreme break up can relate to one another because we have all felt our hearts being ripped from our chests and are at varying stages of repair.

I have said time and time again how fortunate I have been to have people in my life that have experienced something comparable to what I am recovering from. It still amazes me each time someone reaches out to share their stories, because I know they are opening up about a time in their life that they would rather not talk about. Whether a nasty divorce, a broken engagement, or being left at the altar the pain is unimaginable.

This week I hung out with a friend I have known for what seems like forever and his fiancé. At the end of the evening my friend and I talked about the pain of a loss few can understand. He went through a horrible divorce and understands the pain I feel. He told me about some of his worse days, and how the little positive things ended up being so huge in retrospect leading him down the path that lead to his now amazing fiancé.

For me everything still feels so close that I could not say what my worse day was, but one of the most difficult days was when I was teaching a swim lesson and had to watch my ex-fiancé swim in the next lane. Typically I hate crying in front of people. I want to be strong enough to handle everything, but the truth is most of the time I do not feel so strong. I am not exactly sure when the tears started flowing, but with someone who understood right there I let them all come out.

It is nice to have a friend to talk to that truly understands and can put into words emotions that I am still trying to figure out. I have faith that my worse days are behind me, but I know there are still many difficult days to come. The good thing is I know there is always someone I can talk, and seeing their strength makes me hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Advertisements

The hill.

I had so many goals when it came to running this summer, and every one of them went out the window the first day it was over 85 and I attempted to run. Let me tell you a secret, I HATE running when it is hot. Please understand, I do still love to run, but it sure is hard to get back in the habit now that the weather has cooled.

Tonight I decided to go for a run and figure out where a road went. It was a snap decision and I figured nothing bad could come of it. Well, I now know where the road goes, it goes straight up, and up, and up. It went up for almost a mile. About half way I gave up on my slow pace jog for a much faster walk. When I got to the top and looked down I realized that this was a ridiculous hill and at some point I was going to run all the way up it. On that day, when get to the top I will lift my arms up in the air and sing the Rocky theme song, then I will promptly roll down the hill.

Running may have been a hobby I picked up because it was something I could share with him, but I need to continue to turn it into something I do for me. Is this goal of running up that hill realistic, probably not. Am I foolish enough to try, absolutely.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Exploding kittens.

This evening I went out of my comfort zone. Usually I am a home body and will come up with any excuse to not go out, but today I was determined to follow through on the plan and hang out with friends. Most of the day I was tired and all I wanted to do was go home, but I refused to let myself be the person that canceled last-minute.

Now, let me explain what I mean by “going out”, it was dinner, a movie and a game at a friend’s house. It was nothing crazy or out there, and I am so glad that I went. One of my friends I have known for a long time, we have so many teenage memories to reminisce about the conversation is never lacking. The other is a new friendship, it is slightly eerie how similar our humor is and I am enjoying the prospect of an amazing friendship. I can see us being a trio creating many memories together in the future.

Dinner was tacos, which was fitting because it is National Taco Day. The movie was “Wonder Woman” and I think we talked more than we watched. The cherry on top of the evening was the game Exploding Kittens. It is a game that is completely backward from almost every other game I have ever played and it was amazing. Most of your strategy is pure luck and somehow I won. Throughout the evening we laughed and had so much fun.

After everything I have been through I find myself valuing people who are willing to spend time with me despite the potential of spontaneous (or not so spontaneous) tears. It is also wonderful to be around people who have a comprehension of what I am going through and can lend a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear.

I am sure that I will forever be a homebody, but it is nice to have wonderful evenings like this to remind me that there is no gain without taking a step outside of your comfort zone. Not to mention taking the chance that the next card might just be an exploding kitten.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time and faith.

There is still a strange ache somewhere inside of me. A lot of the time it creeps up and it goes unnoticed until it feels all-consuming. Today was a day like that, actually the past few weeks have been filled with these days. At the beginning an ache like this would have me crippled feeling hopeless and crying myself to sleep. Now I feel pain but am able to work through it.

Someday I wonder when it will stop, I tell myself over and over again that eventually an end must come. At this point all I have is wishful thinking and encouragement from others who have been down their own painful paths. I am constantly encouraged and grateful for their willingness to share their stories with me. They are examples of how with time and faith a happy ending is possible.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Today.

After all that has happened today in America I feel guilty saying that I had a great day. It never ceases to amaze me how each person’s perception of a day can be so different. True last night I did not sleep very well, but for some reason I was able to function close my normal standard. For me today felt like it went pretty fast and for the most part I was productive.

With all this being said I of course felt for Las Vegas and the many people affected. For the overall country it was another horrible day in history. Honestly, this had been a pretty rough few months for Americans. Between natural disasters and the shooting today there has been a lot of trauma and loss. No part of a tragedy is good, but the way people come together in the aftermath always helps to restore my faith in humanity. Hearing stories of people coming together to help those in need shows me that not all is lost.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Strange.

This has been a strange weekend. I am not really sure why, it simply was. I spent my time how I have most weekends over the past few months. A hike, some shopping, and a bit of relaxing. I did forgo much cleaning which will unfortunately need to be made up during the week, but I think I can handle that. After a weekend like this I am slightly worried about what the week might hold, but I know no matter what I can handle it if I remember to take one thing at a time.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Trail 2A.

Fall is officially here. My hike today was a little chilly at times, but it was still a wonderful adventure. I managed to hit my favorite spot when the sun was out. It is strange to think about how much I will miss the little oasis off of trail 2B with its trees perfectly spaced for hammocks and sunshine filtering through the trees. It is wonderful place to relax, journal and read for a bit.

I am very glad I took advantage of the day. Being outside is always a good way to reset after a week with my face stuck to a computer screen. While I am on the trails my brain is able to look at things differently and find a kind of peace. Unfortunately, the peace does not alway stick, but it is always nice while it lasts.

Tonight I go to bed sore, tired, inspired and happy. What more could I ask for?

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Weather.

I am torn between staying home in my pj’s all day tomorrow and going hiking. As much as I would really like a lazy day where moving is optional, I think hiking is the wiser choice. Nice weekends are numbered, before I know it there will be snow on the ground and plenty of time to relax. Hopefully we can get through October with some decent weather. Who knows, maybe we will get lucky and it will extend all the way through December like it has the past few years.

No matter when the weather will turn, I need to start making lists of things I want to get done when the weather turns cold. There are many things I have been putting off or have not taken the proper time to do this summer. There is a quilt to finish and journaling to be done. Cookies and cakes to be made and I am sure a thing or two to clean. Not to mention the books I would love to read and the movies/shows to watch.

This summer I set a goal for myself to hike as much as I could. It helped me to have something to look forward to completing and I would like to continue that trend of self encouragement and completing goals.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A slight breakdown.

Most of today I have had a headache, I am tired and a little frustrated. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when I had a slight breakdown this evening. When my defenses are weak the pain tends to rush over me like water being released from a dam. It has been a while since I have had a good cry about everything, so I am sure I was due for something.

I never know what to expect when the tears start to flow. At this point they are not as consistent as they once were so they often take me by surprise. It used to make me feel weak when I broke down, but now I understand it is part of the healing process and with each tear I am shedding the weakness and healing.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Rain.

I love the sound of the rain as it just starts to fall. There is an odd calm then as the first few drops fall there is the soothing rhythm that surrounds you. Rain always makes everything feels fresh, new and clean. Perhaps as it rains tonight I will feel refreshed and ready to conquer whatever comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.