Only Wednesday.

Some weeks fly, other weeks drag and rarely does time seem to go at the correct pace. Every day this week has felt so very long. It is strange, usually weeks that drag are slow and boring, but this week has been busy both at work and home. Maybe the last two days of the work week will fly by. Time plays such funny tricks on our minds.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Bitter-sweet.

Tonight was my last swim lesson until September, it was a little bitter-sweet. Over the summer it will nice to have my Tuesday evenings free again, but I will miss spending time with my students. We had some very fun moments over the past 10 months and I am so very proud of how strong each of them have become. I hope they enjoyed the class as much as I did and I look forward to seeing them again in September.

There were many weeks in the past four months that I know teaching swim lessons helped me maintain a positive outlook. True there were some weeks that I did not want to go teach, but those were the days it was the most important for me to be there. When you feel broken, it is nice to know that you still have the ability to help others.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Puzzle pieces.

Currently my life feels like a box of puzzle pieces. However, there is more than one puzzle in the box and all the pieces look far too similar.  I am attempting to sort them out and put the puzzles together, but sometimes it is easier said than done. There are days I have all the patience in the world to find the correct pieces and put them in place, but most days I want to throw everything back in a giant pile and give up.

Fortunately, I am far too stubborn to give up. So day after day I keep plugging along with my box of jumbled pieces. I hope eventually each puzzle will become more clear and I will reach a better understanding. It is a slow process, but I know it will be worth it.

Right now my life is filled with more questions than answers. Some days it feels like there is some light at the end of the tunnel, and other times it feels endless. It is all about finding balance. Eventually I hope I can look back on the mangaled, tear stained pieces with pride because I made it through stronger and wiser.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Parakaleo

I could not have asked for a better sermon this morning. There were a few points the pastor made that were exactly what I needed to hear. He spoke about the Body of the Church and the way it connects all Christians. In the Old Testament, God choose a nation to fulfill his calling, but in the New Testament He chose individuals from all nations who came together as the Universal Church. It was incredible to hear how eloquently the pastor described the love, care and encouragement we, as the Church should bring to each other. As a Christian, we never struggle alone.

Parakaleo, is the Greek word for encouragement, directly translated it means to come along side. For me, this is the perfect way to describe what has happened during my healing process. Since February I have been in the greatest struggle of my life, but not even for a minute have I felt alone. There has been a stream of encouragement and love that continues to pour into me from so many. People continue to come along side of me giving me exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. It is truly incredible what the Body of Christ can do and the healing it can bring about.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Empire Pass

One of my main plans for this summer is to hike, lots of hiking. I decided in the long run it would be a good idea to invest in an Empire Pass. One lump sum for a summer of sunshine and the great outdoors. The past few years I toyed with the idea of getting an Empire Pass, but never did. I must say that knowing that I have a sticker on my car that means I do not have to pay an entrance fee for New York State Parks makes me so excited!

There are two State Parks that are pretty close to me, but maybe as summer rolls by I will try to venture further out. It is so great to know that every weekend I can throw my inkDori, e-reader and hammock in my backpack, head out the door, hit the trails and enjoy. There is nothing better for healing than some fresh air.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

The finish line.

Walking out of work today felt like I was crossing the of finish line of a week-long race. Every day felt like a continuation of the last, through the week I was battered and bruised but somehow I managed to come out on top. The hope for a beautiful weekend keep me going strong right up to the end. It feels like we have been waiting for this beautiful weather for far too long. Now that it is here I hope I can take advantage of as much of it as I can.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Time will tell.

Before this week started I knew it was going to have some difficult moments. My hope is that today was the worse of it, because it was a horrible day. The kind that feels like you have joined Sisyphus in continually rolling a rock up a hill. I can not tell you how many times I watched the rock roll back to the bottom. There were a few times that I reminded myself that I have survived much worst than this.

Just as I know with time I will overcome my current struggle, I knew that the problems of today would soon pass. It’s strange how often I draw strength from that horrible day and the many difficult, emotional days that followed. I am sure there will be a much bigger reason for the pain I have gone through then getting through difficult days, but it is still encouraging to be able to tell myself with confidence that I can handle anything that comes my way. Now at the end of the day I feel somewhat secure in what I will be walking into tomorrow, but I have learned that you never truly know what will happen until you get there. I guess time will tell.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

A lot of nothing.

This evening I did the bare minimum. It was nice to sit on the couch and stare at the TV or play on my phone. I am sure tomorrow I will regret the pile of dishes in the sink and the fact I wasted a beautiful evening on the couch instead of on a run, but some times it is nice to be lazy. I try so hard to do so much that it becomes difficult to manage it all. I find that some nights it is important to take some time to relax.

Sadly the dishes will still be there tomorrow and hopefully the weather will allow me to go for a run, but if not there are worse things. I have never been very good at going with the flow. I like to have an idea of what could happen, but I am trying very hard to take things as they come and not put unneeded stress on myself. The whole thing is much easier said then done, but I will keep working on it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Easy to forget.

It is easy to forget what those around us are facing. We are all a little selfish and forgetful. There are days that I need to work extremely hard to remember that conversations that go on around me are not meant to cause me pain. Most times when the topic hurts the most I try to pretend it is not really happening, but every once and I while I chime in to remind people that my pain is still very real.

Some days even I forget the reality of being left at the altar. Mostly because I am still not sure what the reality is, however, I am very clear on the outcome. There are still days it is strange to be alone, days that no one texts me but my mom, days that I have to remember that some things are not what they used to be. The absolute worst are the days that I need to tell someone that my life took an unexpected twist.

As time goes by things have a way of evolving. My reactions are not the same as they used to be, remembering to taking a deep breath before answering questions is a lifesaver. Some of my emotions have dulled and others are heightened. I keep praying to reach a balancing point and I am sure when the timing is perfect some form of equilibrium will be reached. Until then I face every day hopeful and willing to take on every challenge that comes my way. After all, there is not much more I can do.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Never enough time.

How do the days go so slow and the evenings fly by. There are days that feel like I just got home and it is already past my bed time. Sometimes I wish I could reverse things and make work speed up and create long lazy evenings, unfortunately that is not they way things work. Even on the weekends I feel like there is never enough time to do everything I wish I could do.

As much as I know that time is on my side for healing and personal growth, that is how much it is against me when it comes to feeling productive. I guess it is good I have full evenings and weekends, having too much time to think still has a tendency to push my thoughts in a negative direction. Eventually I hope I can master the ability to motivate myself to get everything done and have time to relax, but I highly doubt that will happen any time soon.

Everyday I try to find something positive to hold on to, this makes the long part of the day feel a little shorter. When I can hold on to the simple, good things I find the craziness of each day is more manageable. Work will always be work, and there will never be enough time for everything I want to do. At the end of the day I try to remember how far I have come and how I smile more every day.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.