Before I know it.

I feel like I should take a deep breath and enjoy the last few hours of May, because June is going to be crazy! Between a big project at work, another lifeguard class and a few other odds and ends it could be quite the adventure. Being busy is good for keeping my mind occupied, but June could take the concept to a whole new level.

As with all things I need to remember to take everything in stride, slow and steady wins the race. Worrying too much does little to help and a lot to hurt. May was busy and flew by faster than I could imagine, I am sure before I know it June will be over and I will be looking forward to the 4th of July.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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100 days ago.

It has been over 100 days, 109 to be exact. When you write the number it does not seem like many days, but to live them is a different story. 100 days ago my world was still crumbling. Some days have felt like weeks, and weeks have felt like months. Some days I wondered if I would ever stop crying. Some hours I wondered if I would ever breathe again.

100 days ago I never thought I would get to the place I am now. Most days are easy the rhythm of things is more consistent, but sometimes the ghost of a memory still sneaks up on me and the pain comes. I know it will be a while before the pain disappears for good, parts of me wonder if I will ever truly be free of it. No matter how many days, hours or years I know that what I have learned and how I have grown is good. There is still a long way for me to go, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I can over come any challenge that comes my way.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Long weekend.

My facebook and instagram feeds have been filled with people on adventures with friends or significant others. It makes me wonder what we would have done if we were still a we. Would we have stayed close to home, or gone far away. Would we have joined in with someone else’s plans or done something on our own? How long I will be left thinking about what it could have been like if things had gone differently?

For me the long weekend was not a total waste. I went hiking, did laundry, created and relaxed. Today I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned some more. My mix of relaxation and work was well worth it. I know I have a long few weeks ahead of me, so it is nice to start with my best foot forward. I honestly am not sure my apartment has been this clean in months. It truly is a wonderful feeling.

Maybe the next time a long weekend comes up I will take the opportunity to plan an  adventure for myself, everyone needs to escape every once and a while.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Unfortunate.

There are days that I think I understand, some I know I do, but more frequently I realize I know nothing. I am pretty sure the last option is the real truth. The other days are my brain giving me a false sense of security. Maybe someday I will have a vague understanding of the turn my life has taken, but maybe I will never have a handle on all of it.

My current day-to-day has given up on trying to make sense of everything. I know the more I try, the more frustrated and emotional I become. All I can hope to do is grow from what I do know. At one point or another in everyone’s life there is an unfortunate turn of events, what we need to understand is everything is part of a much larger plan. Someday what we once saw as unfortunate will actually be the best change of our lives. For me I know that day is coming, and when I get there I will be strong enough to enjoy every moment of it.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

Peace rushed over me.

This week has felt long and painful. I honestly can not pin point the trigger for the emotional battle I was facing. I have a feeling it was a combination of a few things. What caused it does not really matter, what does make a difference is how I have carried myself through it. Out of no where tears came, sometimes I let them flow, other times I had to hold them back. I had sleepless nights, and a total lack of motivation.

After mustering all the motivation I had, I went for a hike today. It was great to be outside, even if it was a bit of a gloomy day. There were a few times that I was teary eyed as I remembered hiking with him, but for the most part it was a wonderful adventure. After hiking a few miles I set up my hammock, I laid around for a bit slowly rocking back and forth listening to the stream flow by. I took the opportunity to write in my prayer journal and pour the pain I have been feeling into the pages and up to God. The last sentence I wrote was “Right now my prayer is for sense of peace, even in the pain”.

I understand the pain is necessary to heal and grow, but that does not mean it is impossible to find peace in it and it is important to ask God to help carry you through. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly God can work. Not long after I packed up my hammock and started to hike down the trail the sun came out, the sky was blue and peace rushed over me. The little things I had been thinking about were no longer there and I was able to put things in a better perspective.

Who knows what challenges will come up tomorrow or the next day, what I do know is God is always there wanting to send us love and support. True it does not always come in the form of sunshine, but He always sends us what we need to make it through.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.


Pocket Prayer Journals can be found at Grace & Salt Ink.

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Keeping secrets.

Keeping secrets from my dad is close to impossible, he always seems to figure it out. I remember being disappointed many Christmases when he would guess what his wrapped present was long before opening it. At some point my brother and I started to hide his present until Christmas morning.

For approximately the past six months my mom, brother and I have been attempting to keep a big secret. I honestly do not know how we managed to do it, but we did. Some how my mom and I gathered information and pictures with out my dad knowing. The three of us created a telephone version of communication that no information was on my mom’s phone, and my brother made the six-hour trip home. It was all worth it.

For the past 34 years my dad has been a history teacher at Hornell High School, most of his career has been spent teaching junior high. This year, much to his surprise the year book was dedicated to him. I would have loved to see the look on his face when he figured out who they were describing before they said his name. What I will always remember is him standing on the stage staring at the yearbook speechless. My dad is never speachless.

The final result was worth all the frustration of keeping it from him. It was wonderful to spend time as a family celebrating my dad and his many years of teaching and coaching. I hope the students at Hornell know how much this dedication means to him, as a junior high teacher you are often forgotten as the studients get older, being remembered and recognized is a wonderful feeling.


Here is what my dad’s page in the 2016-2017 year book looks like:

Mr. Walter's page

Why.

It seems impossible to hold myself together today. It has been such a long time since I felt so helpless. Somehow I managed to hold back the tears for most of the afternoon, but as soon as I got to my car I let them come. I do my best to block out the pain and to hold back the negative emotions, to only see the potential that the future holds, but some days it is simply too much.

Why does it all still hurt so badly? I try to convince myself that every day it gets easier, but lately things that were easy before seem impossible now. Hopefully tomorrow really will be easier, and I really will be stronger. I wish I had more answers, a way to put myself in a better frame of mind but there is no genie in a bottle or star to wish on that holds my answers. It has been a very stressful, exhausting few weeks, I am hoping that is the root of my issue. Maybe once I am back on track I will be able to manage my pain better and feel like I am moving forward again.

I am very thankful for the little ways that I found support today. There was a post on Instagram that picked up my spirits when I was barely holding it together. An unexpected compliment that my short hair looks better on me than long. The perfect song on the radio at the perfect time, and a lost file that was found. It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives and always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.