Running into people is getting easier. I still cringe worrying what they will say to me in the first few moments. Will they say something cruel and tell me I deserved what I got? Will they lay all the blame on me? My brain races a million miles a minute to prepare myself for what they might say. Thankfully, so far no one has said any of these things to me, at least not to my face.
I greatly dislike being asked how I am doing. Not that I mind answering, I have been pretty open about my recovery to anyone who wants to listen. It is more that it shows that my emotional state is still in question, at some point I hope I no longer feel like everyone is handling me with kid gloves, waiting for me to crack.
It is not the words “how are you doing” that scare me, it is how they are said. On a first encounter people are hesitant. They are not sure they actually want to hear the answer, yet they feel obligated to ask. I wish there was a better phrase to use, but I honestly can’t think of one right now. It took time, but I don’t feel like bursting into tears each conversation. I call that progress. Even better, when I say I doing ok I am not lying like I was two months ago, or maybe at this point I even have myself fooled.
Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.