Hoping to survive.

Sometimes, I honestly feel like the last two years with him have been a dream. At times I’m able to convince myself it is true. Then I look in the mirror and it all rushes back to me and I realize I am far too good at fooling myself. 

My emotions still hits me out of the blue at the oddest moments and it feels like a knife through my heart, after it hits me the dreams of what happened come back. They are getting farther apart and easier to deal with, but they are still there. A month ago I woke up from a dream almost every night and couldn’t get back to sleep. Now at least they don’t wake me up, it is nice to be able to fight through the pain a little easier.

I wish the dreams would stop, I wish I could stop pretending it didn’t happen. The fact is, somedays I simply hurt more than I can explain, more than any words I can write. As time passes the hurt has changed. It went from being a defining black hole to a steady hum. Someday, maybe the pain will disappear, but right now I’m simply hoping to survive.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.

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