I find that I am smiling more. Really smiling, not forcing myself to feel happy or putting on a brave face. It has been a liberating feeling. At the same time my happiness is little odd. Every once and a while it confuses me why it feels strange to be happy. I guess it’s been such a long time since I was truly and independently happy. Even before the end, the stress was eating me alive and changing my perspective.
When everything was falling apart I couldn’t imagine every being happy without him. Looking back at what happened and what could have been between us, I can’t imagine being happy with him. I’m sure there would have been wonderful moments and good memories still to come, but in time I fear it all would have been overshadowed by a dark cloud. Right now, that dark cloud is in my past.
A month ago, I judged my recovery on how many minutes between the desire to cry. Then it went to hours, and we are quickly coming to days. When I think of all I have been though it still hurts as much as ever, but the raw edges are slowing healing and I am starting to find my way with more confidence. Every week that passes is a week that I am that much stronger and closer to a happy future with plenty of guilt free smiles to come.
Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.