Sometimes things are still very confusing. I have to remind myself I don’t contact him, I don’t go to his apartment, I don’t see if he has posted a picture on social media. In the almost two years we were together there were very few days I went without seeing him. It is weird to have him cut out of my life so severely, he was such a big part of it from the start.
I hate the waves of pain that sometimes roll over me. The black hole that consumed me is no longer there, it has been replaced by an ache. Usually I can push it aside, but there are times it hurts so much I wish I could hide in a corner. When it is at its worse I remember that I am stronger than this pain and in time it will be gone forever.
The pain reminds me that I am healing. I wish it wasn’t part of the process, but unfortunately it is. As every athlete knows, there is good pain and bad. At this point I think I am past the bad pain, the pain that consumed me and made me feel empty. Now the pain reminds me I can make it though this loss and be stronger for it.
There will be many confusing and painful days to come, hopefully each wave of pain will be farther apart from the last. I am sure there will always be a scar left from this experience. As long as I don’t let that scar define me, I know I will be ok.
Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.