The hardest part of the day is not getting up in the morning. I can deal with the daylight. The sun is bright and warm, so full of hope. A new day is an opportunity to start fresh and continue healing.
What challenges me is the darkness. It seems big and empty. It is the end of the day, and right now ends are scary. It is a time to reflect. It is time alone. There are nights I lay in the dark begging to sleep, hoping for the daylight to come quickly. Some nights I still dream about him, these are the worst nights. I long for nights with good dreams or no dreams at all.
The in-between times are equally as hard as the nights. Times when I am in the open and alone. Times between seeing people. Times when I am able to dwell on the past. I am glad I don’t have a long commute, sometimes when driving I am close to tears by the end. It’s empty, mindless time that allows my thoughts to wonder. Right now, I often think him and what might have been. Some of these thoughts are potentially good things, but most are the fear of what we could have spiraled down toward and then I remember how thankful I am that it ended.
I try to always think of happy things. Cuddles with my cats, teaching swim lessons, talking to friends, writing, running, really anything. No matter how hard I try or pretend to be over it all, deep down inside I know still have far to go. Sometimes I wonder if this situation has forever left a stain on me. An invisible scarlet letter that will never disappear or be covered up. Like many of my other irrational fears I know I am worrying a lot about nothing.
Each day the darkness worries me a little less. My dreams of him are becoming farther and farther apart, one day I hope they will be gone forever. At some point I will stop fearing the sun going down, but right now I will take it one step at a time and I will always remember that no matter what time it is there is always someone willing to listen.
Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.