Sometimes I catch myself holding my breath. I honestly don’t mean to do it, it’s my subconscious coping. I think I am trying to stop time or hold on to a second that I feel alright. As soon as I realize what I am doing and breath it all comes rushing back to me.
As much as I wish the worst was over, I fear I still have far to go.
There are hours I don’t think about him at all. I can forget the pain. I can forget what I have been through. I can simply be. Someday the hours will turn into days, the days into weeks and weeks into months. At some point I won’t have to forget the pain, because it will no longer be there. I never want to forget what happened, it is a part of me now, but one day it won’t feel so all consuming.
The hours I fear are the ones where it takes all I have to hold myself together. I try to not think of it as loss, because I know I have gained more then anything. I try to remind myself that I am stronger than this. Most of the time I simply try not to cry.
I wish I could say that everyday is easier, it is not. Everyday is different. Everyday I face a new challenge. Everyday I am one day closer to the future. Somedays it feels like I’ve gone backward, but I know sometimes to move forward you have to go sideways first.
Every day, every week, every hour has it’s own challenges. I hope with each challenge I can be one step closer to becoming the strong woman I am meant to be, someday I hope I can stop holding my breath.
Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.