I have a secret to tell you.

On the outside I may look like I’m handling everything with ease and grace. However, most of the time on the inside I’m screaming, crying and trying to get to the next second. There is no easy switch to flip, it’s hard.

It’s not recounting the story, I don’t mind telling others what happened. What I can’t handle is thinking of how wonderful that day was supposed to be. To remember the decorations, or the invitations, or how beautiful everything would have been.

I spent hours designing and months planning. I searched for the perfect this or that. I couldn’t wait to see everyone all dressed up and excited to spend the evening with the newlyweds. There were so many hopes for the future.

Right now what I need is to reminded myself that I am stronger than this. I have been so blessed by the amount of support I have gotten and continue to get. Everyone has been so wonderful to me helping to remind me that I will be ok and listening when I simply need to talk.

Someday I hope I get the opportunity to be a bride again, but right now my focus is figuring out how to survive what feels unsurvivable. My focus is on me.

Tomorrow will be a little bit easier and I will become a stronger me everyday.  

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